Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Jimmy World News #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Jimmy World News. A special, semi-regular feature where I turn my trademark cynicism to the world of news and current affairs.

Britney mimes for live performances?

The BIG news at the moment, screw the recession that could destroy the world economy as you so much as breath on it too heavily is that Britney Spears is the centre of controversy surrounding her return for her exile from the music world (That’s a polite way of saying she went nutso. It’s like when your dog dies and your parents say he’s gone to live on a farm. Yep.I hate to break it to you but Mister Pawington is actually dead), after she has been caught miming performances that were supposed to be live. No way. No fucking way! Really? Do ya think?! 

Monday, 1 December 2008

H? C? Where's L?

Well here we go with another episode of 'Dear Jimmy', as I shine a small ray of hope upon another group of otherwise hopeless losers. Subject of losers....

Basically i've been chasing after this girl called Amy for roughly four months and I think I've fallen in love with her, she broke up with her boyfriend about the time i took an interest in her so naturally when i asked her out she said she "wasn't ready for a commitment yet" then assured me that it wasn't me it was her. So I gave her, her space but literally Yesterday I discovered that she has a new boyfriend and when i confronted her about it she says that she "never knew I felt so stongly" towards her but i made it clear that i liked her in that way. But what makes it worse is that she has chosen to go out with a complete jackass, the guy Stefan is just such an idiot, he has these "random sex facts" which I'll admit are pretty funny but can be pretty disgusting, he's also a complete fatass the dude weighs like 17 stone at 16 years old and he's just generally annoying. So what should I do? should i wait for her to see what I see about him? should I intervene? or what should I do?

Y'know, if Stefan is as bad as you make him out to be then that must make you a total loser for losing out to him. The fact that you fell for the whole 'it's not you it's me spiel' leads me to think this is the case. But don't worry, here's what you should do: Aim low. Really low! Aim so low that becoming gay and asking Stefan out is a step up from what you actually end up dating.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Oh, millenium!

..because nothing says I'm 'down with the kids' and current trends like a Robbie Williams reference. Word. But seriously, I made it. a thousand hits. They said I wouldn't. They said I was mad. They tried to sent Tommy Lee Jones to stop me, forcing me to jump off a waterfall-- Okay a fugitive reference now? I better get to some letters before I make anymore dated 90's references.So let's go....

My name is Amanda and I'm a single 25 year old woman residing in Alaska. I've been with my boyfriend a little over 3 months. I said I love you a couple weeks ago and he said that he couldn't say it because he wasn't ready and he doesn't know what love is.
That hurts. no one wants to say I love you and not hear it in return. I think he does love me, I see it in the way that he looks at me and holds me and wants to be with me a lot. We have a great time together. He has said it a couple times when he was drunk but he won't say it besides that.
I want to be with him but it's been like 3 weeks since I said it and I don't know how long I should wait to hear it back. I think when he started dating me he didn't expect to like it this much and he had plans to travel and not settle down right away and if he says he loves me then it makes it that much more of a committment to walk away from.
I don't know though, and an outside perspective would certainly be appreciated.

You're a needy bitch who only said 'I love you' because you needed to hear it back and thought you would. there's your outside perspective.

Monday, 3 November 2008

It's on the wing.....It's on the wing!

Okay, sorry guys, I'm a couple days late, blame the gremlin in Internet explorer that I only just managed to evict. Since you've all waited long enough let's get on with this column shall we?

I am a new member of a small, local organization. We have an email group. Occasionally a member will post information that has nothing directly to do with the organization, usually political in nature. These political emails and petitions offend me. They in no way reflect my beliefs and politics. What should I do?

Oh. MY. GOD! who the hell allowed people to speak freely on the internet?! I suggest you help me in a crusade to not only found that scoundrel and hang him by his nuts with a rusty nail, but also shut down any web page that could be considered the least bit offensive by anybody in the world ever....leaving only wholesome, informative pages like this one.

Monday, 20 October 2008

Special #1: 21 clues he's cheating (but only if you're a paranoid bitch!)

Okay, this started as one of those 'dating advice' articles that are all over the Internet (People think anybody can give advice nowadays, not just trained professionals like me), then I got my hands on it. The logic is so full of holes I just had to share it. So, introduction over...enjoy!

1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
that's actually because you're butt-ugly. And a paranoid bitch. And NOBODY wants to be seen out with a butt ugly paranoid bitch.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)'s some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Ladies night

Today we seem to have an all female line-up this week. Not through a carefully and well thought out selection process, it just seems that Space were onto something when they sang about the female of the species being more needy than the male. (shock shock horror horror)

Q. The bride/groom of a wedding wanted to set me up with a great guy from New York that they thought I would "hit it off with." He was single and "looking." Because he came recommended I let my guard down (got a wee bit tipsy) and told him I thought he was cute. He returned the favor, and by evening's end we engaged in steamy kisses and innocent fooling around. I told him I visit NY often and he took my number. The problem: I cannot stop thinking of those "hot" stolen moments, but have not heard from him. I'm confused. Did I kiss him too soon? Does he not like me? Is it a distance thing? What went wrong?

A. Go into your bathroom. Now take a look in the mirror. There's your answer. Why do you think you were single to begin with?

Q. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the last 9 months we were together, I felt uncomfortable about telling him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receive any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But I thought about it and realized that he may never be able to open up with me, so I decided to let it go.
I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on and I have a feeling that there were issues he would not address. In order to find closure, I suggested we meet this weekend, which he agreed to. My question is- considering that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and share his honest feelings with me?

A. Okay, firstly the problem may not be that he's not sharing enough of his feelings as much as you're sharing way too many of your own and are coming across as needy and insecure. And guys hate that in chicks. So my advice to you is whenever you feel anything. And I mean ANYTHING! repress it. Push it deep deep down until you are alone and able to vent it without embarrassing yourself. May I suggest weeping uncontrollably into a pillow, or that old favourite, self harm?

Q. I’m a 29-year-old female whose once active social life has been slowly disappearing. Many of my friends are now married and some of them have at least one child. As they became coupled and got married our friendships changed. Their time suddenly seemed to be available only to their partners and to gatherings with other COUPLES. I am rarely invited to these and have felt unpopular, alone and forgotten. I hate the way I am feeling and the fact that I have no control over losing my friendships. What can I do?

A. This is obvious. Their spouses and significant others are in direct competition for your friend's eliminate them! Your local library should have plenty of crime books, both fiction and reference, so do your research first and don't repeat the mistakes you read about. As a friendly pointer to get you started; most females prefer poisoning, as they are far too girly and soft to use a masculine method like shooting/stabbing/beating with their own dismembered leg.

Q. I’m a girl who is really strong on rules when it comes to guys. When I was younger, I was more naive and didn’t understand men or realize the importance of playing “hard to get.” Then I read the book “The Rules,” which led me to change my views on how I should interact with the men I date. Essentially, it taught me to treat a guy I like the way I would treat a guy I don’t like- because the men that women aren’t interested in always seem to be very attracted to them and vice versa. Therefore, in order to win the guy you really want - you have to appeal to that competitive side of him that causes him to want what he can’t have. Some of the ways that I play it cool are to never call men that I meet and/or keep myself “busy”, so that I have little available time to go out.
When I follow these rules they work well for me. My problem is that I met this man at a function the other night during which I foolishly had too much to drink. He asked me back to his place and I went. We didn’t sleep together, but we did kiss quite a bit and talked until 9 in the morning, when he gave me a ride back to my place. Over the past two days we have been emailing each other and last evening he said repeatedly that he can’t stop thinking about me and can’t wait until he sees me again. He then asked me out for a drink this week-end. My “rules” usually prohibit me from going for a drink on a first date because I believe the man would take me out for dinner if he were really interested. I really like this guy but fear that his attraction to me will be less because I went to his house the other night. Should I tell him I am busy and cancel the date? I don’t want to appear too eager and ruin something that I think could be great.

A. I have two very important pieces of advice. Firstly burn that freaking book and any other self-help empowerment crap in your home...No! make that home-town. Secondly Quit whatever the hell you do now and become a dominatrix. Not only does this pay better (unless what you do now is Sir Alan Sugar's apprentice) but it will allow you to fulfill your freaky controlling power trip in a controlled environment ( Because remember kiddies, real life doesn't have safewords!) and treat this relationship as individual, like a normal person would, rather than following your stupid rules, that,since you're still single, obviously weren't working anyway!

Well with that I'm off to try get this damned space song out of my head.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Dear jimmy- Nothing to do with Sophie Ellis Bextor lyrics

Well now that that's clarified (thank you very much google!)I would just like to welcome anybody who found this thing through the Projectwonderful ads I took out (now that I've decided to stop being a cheap bum) aboard. Hope you enjoy it and will be sticking around. So grab a seat, get comfy and let's get to the letters, shall we?

I have been reading your column for over 5 years and it has helped me with my relationships tremendously. I have just married the love of my life this past month. We are both 28 years old from NY and this is both our first marriage.
We have been together for over four years. My problem that I am exteremly jealous of my husbands past. When he was in college he lived with his girlfrend for 3 years. They went on many vacations together, had pets, their familes were close etc. It feels to me that even though they weren't married, it was very close to it. Now that was are living together for the first time now I can see how close they were, and it is making me jealous. Every "first" we have doesn't feel special to me because he already had that with someone else.
Its tearing me up inside, its even affecting our sex life because whenever I want to be intimate with him I think of all they have done and I get turned off. I know he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. Please, I need some advice how to get over this!

Well that's great to hear, especially since I've only been doing this thing for a couple months. But let's not dwell on that. Or your terrible grammar. I mean: 'Now that was are living together for the first time now'? If this is such an important letter you'd think you'd proof read it first! Let us, instead, focus on your problem. Since it matters to you that you're the first and there's nobody before you to get jealous of, may I suggest you ditch the relationship you've nurtured over four years and instead rob the cradle get yourself an 12-year-old toyboy? That way everything you do would be a first. Simple when you think about it.

I need some advice, and definitely some perspective on a relationship problem. I am very much in love with a kind and wonderful man and am getting married next month. We are both 30.
About three weeks ago I borrowed his computer, and found that he had been looking at a significant number of pornographic websites. This is not a big deal for me, I know it is normal, and every past boyfriend I've had has admitted to looking at porn.
However, my fiance has told me any time this has come up in the past that he doesn't like porn, and that he finds it degrading to women and distorts mens' view of 'real sex.'
So of course I asked him about these sites and he flat out denied it -- and promptly deleted all his internet history and cookies. I tried to make it safe for him to tell me by assuring him I think it is normal, but he continued to angrily and vehemently deny he ever looks at it or likes it.
So I let it drop, and then this weekend I noticed him in our home office looking at pornographic sites on the computer. I checked his internet history (which is sneaky, I feel bad about doing it) and he had indeed been cruising various porn sites while I was just in the other room. I let a day go by and then asked him about it-- trying to be really gentle about it and non-accusatory- and he completely lied about it, and got very very angry at me for bringing it up again. I told him that I clearly know he was, and it is no big deal, but he will not admit it.
Please give me some perspective on this. I am really worried because we are getting married really soon. I completely trust him not to cheat on me or abuse me, but I am really hurt by his lying over this. What do you suggest I do to put my mind at ease? I don't think there is any way he will ever tell me the truth about this, and I really don't want it to come between us.
Thank you for your help!

Okay, guys 101:

1) Guys like porn.

2) Some guys are embarrassed by porn.

3) Some girlfriends should stay the hell outta some guys business.

Thus endth the lesson

How can you tell love is real?

Do you not have Facebook? That is where you shall find this very sought after knowledge. However if you do not forward the ancient viral posts that contain the wisdom that you seek then there is a high and terrible price to pay. these can include (but aren't limited to): never knowing true love for yourself, being killed by a dead girl's ghost coming up through your shower drain, dying in your sleep, being raped by a zombie, having your penis drop off.

i am falling in love with a women who is 17 years older then me lives 3 hours away and is my step mothers cousin and two years ago i slept with her daughter can this work? (sorry about my grammer)

It's okay, given your question I'm amazed you managed to form sentences at all. Although I do think it's adorable that you misspell 'grammar' in a sentence apologising for your grammar, but, Hell, I'm amazed you managed to arrange those funny little squiggles into words. Based on your letter this woman (or these women, it's a little ambiguous) are, what? 22?
That's based on the fact you've evidently got to be about 5...and/or a moron. Based on this I'll keep my answer simple for you...

hope that helps.

Okay with that we all got through another 'Dear jimmy', it's okay guys. it's over for another ten days. and for you new guys....yes. All the letters I stea---I get are this stupid.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me

Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.

Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.

Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.

Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.

Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.

Friday, 29 August 2008


Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at to find out.

Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).

Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.

Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.

Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).

Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.

Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.

Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Paging the love doctor

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.

A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*

Friday, 8 August 2008

(self) love and marriage

Here I am, once again leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping...each time...That my next leap will be the leap home. If you don't understand the reference get out. Get out right now.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn't thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won't but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?
A. No. he secretly hates you. sorry.

Q. I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
A. Okay, I'm assuming this is just mis-mailed. This is an advice page. Not a freaking wedding planner service. Don't worry I'll be sure to forward your letter.

Q. My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
A. Nothing. And you shouldn't try. If he doesn't cast that accursed ring into the fires of mount mordoor then it's power will corrupt him, and, should it ever fall into the wrong hands....Doom us all! Do you really want that on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Q. I was telling a new acquaintance about how I met and married my husband. When I said it out loud like that, I realized that I may have forced my husband's hand into marrying me. But she was romantically proposed to by surprise on a vacation. I feel cheated!
A. Well I can understand how, in hindsight, the white van, band of heavies and blindfold may seem a bit heavy handed. But you have to believe your husband DOES love you really. The fact that he hardly ever tries to escape from his cell anymore should be proof of that.

Q. How do I love myself? Where do I start? I feel like through the years I forgot who I am and what I'm about and I feel very lost.
A. Well, the most common male masturbation technique is simply to hold the penis with a loose fist and then to move the hand up and down the shaft until orgasm and ejaculation take place. The speed of the hand motion will vary from person to person, although it is not uncommon for the speed to increase as ejaculation nears and for it to decrease during the ejaculation itself. When uncircumcised, stimulation of the penis in this way comes from the "pumping" of the foreskin. This gliding motion of the foreskin reduces friction. When circumcised, there is more direct contact between the hand and the glans, thus a personal lubricant is sometimes used to reduce friction. Sometimes, if too much pressure is applied, it may be rubbed sore for a time.
Circumcised or not, men may rub or massage the glans, the rim of the glans, and the frenular delta.
Another technique is to place just the index finger and thumb around the penis about halfway along the penis and move the skin up and down. A variation on this is to place the fingers and thumb on the penis as if playing a flute, and then shuttle them back and forth. Another common technique is to lie face down on a comfortable surface such as a mattress or pillow and rub the penis against it until orgasm is achieved. This technique may include the use of a simulacrum, or artificial vagina.
There are many other variations on male masturbation techniques. Some men place both hands directly on their penis during masturbation, while others use their free hand to fondle their testicles, nipples, or other parts of their body. Some may keep their hand stationary while pumping into it with pelvic thrusts in order to simulate the motions of sexual intercourse. Others may also use vibrators and other sexual devices more commonly associated with female masturbation. A few extremely flexible males can reach and stimulate their penis with their tongue or lips, and so perform autofellatio.
The prostate gland is one of the organs that contributes fluid to semen. As the prostate is touch-sensitive, some directly stimulate it using a well-lubricated finger or dildo inserted through the anus into the rectum. Stimulating the prostate from outside, via pressure on the perineum, can be pleasurable as well. Some men, also, enjoy anal stimulation, with fingers or otherwise, without any prostate stimulation. Semen is sometimes ejaculated onto a tissue or some other item.
Hope that helps.

Monday, 28 July 2008

bunny boiler special!

This weeks letters all have a theme so lock up your bunnies girls and boys, otherwise they'll get boiled by one of this week's writers. So here we go, out of the boiling pan and into the fire.

Q. I am a 30 something, single female- who met a man online several months ago. After a period of e-dating, we took our relationship offline and are now intimately involved. I discovered last week that he still has his profile posted on this web site, and that he is getting winks and/or emails from women users. However, he assured me that he is not dating anyone else from the internet at this time. Trust in this relationship was an issue for me before my cyber discovery because he will not tell me how he feels about me or our relationship. I don’t know what to think. Can you help?
A. One question, how the hell did you know his profile was still up without going on that site yourself? You are obviously just as unfaithful, woman! So what? now he's not allowed to talk to anybody else? controlling much?! God! Next time you meet, cook him a big meal, buy him a wii or PS3, complete with Metal gear Solid 4 (I'd say both just to be safe) and beg his forgiveness. Beg woman, and it may not be too late. (but if it is I call the PS3.)

Q. I have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me?
A. If you re-read your letter the anwser should become obvious. Because you are a psycho bitch. This 'title-less' relationship is basicaly his way of avoiding having to tell you he's not interested so's you don't boil his bunny, shred his clothes and....God knows what else!

Q. I have been dating a guy over the net. We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it. I am almost 16 and he is 18. Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net. I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend? Please tell me what to do.
A. errr....errmmmm....what should you.....Oh! oh, I know! Grow up and get over it!
I mean if he has a girlfriend then you must have expected that---oh!---ahh, you mean you.... bwa ha ha... you thought you were his girlfriend. that is sooooo cute. Bless ya.
Yeah, that doesn't really constitute girlfriend so much as on-line play thing. But now the good news: Since you were never actualy his girlfriend, you haven't actualy been dumped.

Q. I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.
A. since you evidently want to skip over the whole 'dating' and 'relationship' stages right the way up to marriage, I suggest you take up a religion that practices arranged marriages. That way your family will have to do the hard work of finding a bloke for you. Plus they might be able to get some free land and/or cattle in the bargain too.

geez, they were clingy psychos weren't they? luckily the y-chromosome makes us males much more stable and well adjusted, right guys?

Q. I am a twenty something, single guy who had been dating a woman for about 6 months until she recently moved to another country. Since she has been away, I have had time to really think about our relationship and I am plagued with feelings of insecurity and confusion.
She was the one to initiate an intimate relationship a short while after we had become friends. Things were really good between us until her behavior started to change. Suddenly, when we were together, she began staring at other guys and making comments about their attractiveness and attributes. One time, she pointed to a perfect stranger and told me he was her "type" and that he had the "look" that she liked. A few days later we walked by the same place where she had first seen him and she asked; "Where’s my cutie pie?" Another time she asked me if I thought that a certain guy and girl were together. When I asked her why she wanted to know that, she replied, "he’s hot." I didn’t want to appear jealous, so I tried to ignore it, however, she continued with the stares and comments.
We were in email contact after she left, but when I expressed some of my feelings and concerns, she merely said she was sorry if I was offended and that she had not intended to be hurtful. I haven’t heard from her since even though I have attempted contact in order to try and sort this out.
If I was not her type, why did she initiate a relationship? I would also like to know why she continued seeing me and then making a point of telling me that I don’t have the look that she likes in a guy. How should I handle this situation?
A. Errrmmm. She's not replying to your e-mails, and she fled the country to get away from you. Is this not a clear enough message? You were sport. She owned you and now she's bored. let this be a lesson to you. Women willl treat you like objects, the only defence is to do the same to them first. If you take this away from the experience it wasn't all in vain.

Q. After three months of getting to know each other, we thought we were just what each of us had been looking for. The next month advanced to the physical stage and life was nirvana! Then, after a misunderstanding she suddenly wanted "space".
When a woman says she wants some "space", what does that mean? How long should I give her, and what's the best thing I can do to get her back? Pursuing her has made it worse. Can I rekindle things after doing that?
A. It means she wants space! As in give her some time to herself. As in do NOT pursue her. Do not start planning the best way to win her back, or worrying about when you'll see her again. And defineitly DO NOT EVER write a bitching letter to an advice collumn like a little cry baby girly man. And I mean EVER! But yes your relationship CAN be re-kindled. As long as you follow these pointers. Otherwise it is doome--Oh---wait a sec--crap. sorry dude! :'(

Q. I have had a girlfriend for about 6 months. We live in different countries that are on opposite sides of the world. We knew each other as youngsters but did not begin our relationship until she moved away. About 4 months ago, I saw a photo of her and another man on her website. In the picture, they looked a bit more than friends. I sent my girlfriend an e-mail asking her about the photo. She hasn’t responded since then. I don’t have her phone number so I can’t call her. I’m sure my e-mails are getting through. I am ready to move on but I feel that I owe my girlfriend an opportunity to at least tell me if she wants to end our relationship. I have waited two months. How much longer should I wait for a response? Thank you.
A.---- Oh come on!
---- seriously?
--Where to start here? Okay she lives the other side of the world, you don't have her phone number...She's your girlfriend HOW exactly?!
If you're ready to move on why the hell haven't you after two months? Generaly that's more than enough time for normal people to call it quits. What I recomend is you send her one last e-mail telling her what you've just told me, then go outside, get a breath of fresh air, clear your head, and sit down in the middle of the road. Or dual carriage way if it's convenient. Then just wait for her reply. Or the next bus. Whichever.

Oh for the love of...! Having been let down by both sexes, all I can do now is find some way to not belong to either. kind of like the 'bloke' who had a baby recently. So i'm gonna go work on that between now and my next post.

Monday, 21 July 2008

guest starring Lindsay Lohan

--Kinda sorta nearly. in a not at all way.
You all know how this works by now:

boo hoo, whine whine bitch
Cold hard slice of reality with a side order of sarcasm.
So without further ado...Order up!

Q. I'm attractive. I'm interesting. I like people and they like me. Why do I have so much trouble connecting with a special person in Dallas?
A. the main problem is the fact you live in London. Try connecting with somebody special there first. If that doesn't work you could always move to Dallas.

Q. I have fallen in love with a man who has been my friend for the past 5 years. He is a great person and we are close. Since he likes being single and I am scared of rejection I have always felt pretty safe not having to say anything to him about how I feel. We are both really shy when it comes to the opposite sex and he doesn't give me any idea about how he feels about me.
I have been driving myself crazy because I want to be in a relationship with him and he just slept with someone. It was a one-nightstand but I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy. He even mentioned the other day that we should go on a trip together next year. I can't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love him.
I respect, love, honor and cherish this man as my friend and now I want more. But, I don't want our friendship to end or change. What should I do?
A. Your relationship is in jeopardy? what relationship? you don't have a relationship, you psycho bitch. I suggest, since you daren't tell him how you feel and ergo you will never be with him, you should do the next best thing--- build an effigy of him. Which, since you seem to idolise him anyway, works out pretty well.
All you need is a mannequin or straw doll. Steal a few of his clothes, a lock of his hair, stick a picture of his face on the thing, and you're set. the two of you can date, snuggle and all the other things regular couples do, just like in 'Lars and the real girl'. In fact many stable and perfectly normal people use this technique, just ask my girlfriend Lindsy Lohan here..

Q. I basically have what seems like the world's most embarrassing problem in the bedroom. I haven't been with this guy long, and I really really like him; he's what I would have considered out of my league beforehand. I'm having a few arousal problems: no matter how much I want to have sex with him, my body just won't co-operate, and it usually leaves me feeling inadequate. We've only managed to have sex twice, maybe three times. The first time I was really tired, so he let me sleep and the second time we were drunk, making a fair bit of noise and were paranoid about his parents downstairs.I've done some research and I don't think it's something physically wrong with me, more mentally. Could my lack of arousal come from a recentish trauma with a complete and utter sh*tbag who led me on for more or less two years? My sex drive was really high before, and I've had sex since but only two or three times.I've considered going to the doctor about it - problem number 2 arises - I'm only 16, and I'm sure arousal problems aren't the sort of thing people my age go and see the doctor about. Any ideas on how to regain my drive? I really don't want to have to keep on relying on intoxicants for this!
A. Well you see, since you're having sex at 16 you must obviously be a chav, and therein lies the problem. This is more than likely an evolutionary thing. Basically nature does not want you getting aroused because nature does not want you having sex, because THAT would lead to you producing more chav offspring. there is nothing you can do. It's just God cleansing the gene pool. I would make a reference to it being an unexplained natural purge like in 'The Happening' but then you may want to go see it to understand the reference. And if anybody went to see it because of me I would NEVER, EVER forgive myself. EVER.

Q. Can anyone give me advice on dating? I now have confidence to ask girls out but I have no idea what to do on the date. And please do not say "just be yourself" because I already know this.
A. Don't worry, if you wrote a letter to an advice column about what to do on a date the very last thing you should do is be yourself. What you want to do is act like a deep caring sensitive guy who is interested in commitment and a relationship and all that kinda crap, take her to a bar somewhere to get her good and liquored up and then back to her place (because if she knows where you live she can find you again afterwards!) where you can jump her bones and sneak off before she gets up the next morning. If there's time you should also delete your number from her phone- but don't risk waking her if you do! You can always screen her with caller I.D. instead. Then repeat as often as needed with as many girls as needed.

Okay, I'm all helped out for now, so I'm gonna take a little nap to regain my power to nurture and educate. As you may've noticed this is running semi-regularly atm, so hopefully I'll be back in a week-ish, maybe. unless I over-sleep.

Friday, 4 July 2008

just when you thought it was safe to check blogger...!

-phew- I'm back and let me tell you, hiding from the police is nowhere near as much crazy fun and hijinks as Prision break would have you believe. But enough about my problems...let's solve some other people's shall we?

Q. I am a single, professional woman in my mid-thirties who needs some advice handling a difficult dating situation. A couple of months ago I met a nice guy at a friend’s party and we seemed to hit it off. After spending a long time talking that first night, I gave him my number and he called and asked me out. I was really looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him, and might have blown the whole thing up in my mind beforehand. When he came to pick me up, he seemed different. In fact, we related differently this time from that first meeting. Even though I was disappointed, I decided to give it a chance and see if things got better as the evening wore on. They didn’t and I found myself glancing at the clock and trying to find ways to cut the evening short. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me and suggested some things we could do together. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said something like; " I have a lot going on at work over the next month and will be very tied up most of the time." He suggested that we discuss our options when he calls and I reluctantly agreed. I made a point of avoiding a goodnight kiss and tried to be nicely distant when we parted.
I need some advice on how to let guys down easily. I usually drop hints by telling them I am very busy, unavailable and/or by not responding to emails or phone calls. I have even said that I am not interested in dating anyone at this time or that I am looking for a very specific age, profession or religion in the men I date. One would think that guys would be able to read between the lines and get the message, but I have not found this to be the case most of the time. How can I be heard without being cruel?

A. You cannot. Your first (and fatal) mistake was being 'nicely distant'. You should've just been distant,or even better,a total bitch. But you CAN get another chance. Since he wants to see you so much agree to meet up somewhere (preferably very busy) and treat him like dirt as loudly as possible. Insult absolutely everything about him. His clothes, his interests, his beliefs. remember absolutlely nothing is off limits, not even conventionaly taboo topics like religion.
Your aim, the whole time should be to highlight the fact that you're not interested because he's a loser, and to make him cry. If he actualy does....bonus! This should help him get the point. My presonal best is 2 mins 27 seconds. But then girls are softed and weaker than men, and since this is your first time I estimate it could take up to 8 whole minutes, but be paitant. The method works, but you must be willing to devote the time to it. Like all great relationship tools.
---Of course this could backfire horribly if he's one of those BDSM freaks who get off on that kind of thing. So pack some pepper spray just in case.

Q. I am a 32-year-old single woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man for 2 months. This man, in my opinion ,would normally receive a very high score. He is a fairly handsome guy with a great personality and mutual moral convictions. He is marriage minded and is very attentive and complimentary to me.
The problem is that he seems very feminine to me. His mannerisms are feminine, he is somewhat soft-spoken and his total demeanor at times exudes softness. There are things he sometimes says that I don't normally hear from a man's mouth .Since I thought that maybe it was just me, and that I had the wrong perception, I have asked him if others had ever mistaken him for being gay. I also asked him if he had ever fantasized about being with a man or had ever been with one. Each time his answer was no.. never.
Honestly, I really don't think he is gay. He has had previous relationships with women and is the father of three girls who do not live with him. This guy in every other way would be a great catch...but I find his feminine demeanor to be very distracting, somewhat of a turn off and publicly embarrassing. What advice could you offer me regarding an otherwise great guy, but one who is just a little too soft for my taste?

A. Okay, I hate to break it to you , but he is soooooo in the closet. But don't worry. you can fix this. because beng gay is a choice. I recomend you strap him to a chair and force him to watch the Die Hard Quadrology (except number 2, because...well because it sucks.) Commando and some good old fashioned porno. prising his eyes open and moistening them as needed. Just like in 'clockwork orange'. Alternatively, electro shock therapy could yield similair results if you're both willing to invest the time. As I told the previous reader- these things are all about investing the proper time and effort.

Q. hello ladies and gentlemen i met this wonderful guy named Will Baety from Utah over a month and a half ago on Inklink we are going to meet this Christmas since he coming down to visit me and have a New Year with me we are in love. But he says he is ready to marry me this Christmas Eve I am so excited because I really know I am in love with him as he is with me. So should I because he is turning 18 on April 24 and I am turning 16 May 8 what should I do. And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone until December 24, 2007 at 6:40 a.m. when we go pick him up at the airport to come back to my house. I am so excited

A. I'll be honest, when I first read this, I too became equaly excited. i mean this one letter could keep me going for a months worth of updates. (okay that's only two, but still!) but here goes...

Firstly, what is with all the detail? Why do I need to know the dude's name? and the EXACT time you're picking him up? Did you mistake this for one of those love match calculator things or something? Or do you just have OCD? because if so, I also recomend some Electro shock therapy for you. In fact you should probably electrocute yourself anyways from the sound of your letter. Were you not reading the last two letters when I mentioned taking time with things?
I mean did everybody else spot where it went from 'regular' stupid to 'oh my God! this material is gold' stupid? that's right...
'And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone'
WHAT?! What the hell?! How in the hell do you know you love him if you haven't really met him? And you consider not having met him 'the best bit'? Is that because you're stupid? or butt ugly?
Checking my 'dim teen to real people' dictionary am I right in assuming our word for what you call 'love' is translated as 'he's-said-some-nice-things-on-the-phone-and-in-my-tiny-little-girly-brain-since-this-makes-me-feel-happy-and-builds-my-non-existant-ego-up-it-must-be-love?' in case you're wondering it's like how Japanese have one word equivilent they say/write and it's to an entire phrase. Lazy bums!)

and finaly... at the risk of sounding like an ACTUAL advice column (God forbid!), I'd always consider marrying somebody you haven't lived with first a bad idea, since you discover all their annoying bad habits and they magnify ten fold after being cooped up together day in day out, so I guess marrying somebody you haven't met would be...I dunno...a really really really really really really really stupid idea (no, really!). Actualy, scratch that. I don't consider it an idea at all. that implies you've actualy thought about it.

Q. I recently entered a relationship with a woman who is sweet and a little dense at times- but nonetheless intelligent and trustworthy. We started dating just a few weeks after meeting- but after only one week, my feelings changed. It just happened as we spoke on the phone one day, and even though I have tried to suppress it- I just don't feel the same towards her. It is a feeling in my gut that is trying to tell me something. This is the second relationship in which this has happened. It is not as strong with the person I am currently with, but it is consistent and makes me feel ill at ease with her.
There is nothing about her that is causing me to feel this way. By that I mean that she is very sweet, attractive, honest and interested in me. The only possible issue for me is that she is not quite on the same intellectual level that I am- but I don't think it is fair to expect everyone to be my match in this area. For instance, when I asked her what she believes in, it took her forever and a day to answer. This shouldn't be such a serious issue and I wish I could make the feeling go away. I have asked people, 'Have you ever been with someone who you know is loyal, kind and trustworthy, but despite that you had a gut feeling that something was wrong about you being with her?' Most people say, 'yes' or 'I understand that feeling' or 'that's when I usually break it off.'
Can you give me some insight on this feeling and how I can overcome it, and perhaps talk to her about it rather than just breaking things off?

A. The problem is obvious from your letter. It's your vastly superior intellect. You should defintiely break it off with this dense mare so that you can meet somebody on your own level and have a super genius baby. However since she is both 'dense' and 'interested in [you]' may I recomend you make her dance like a puppet and manipulate her into putting out first? This also gives you the out of 'I'm just so confused. we're moving so fast. I need some time to think'. She'll buy it, after all she's dense, right?

Q. My sister said you wouldn’t answer this email.
A. ---

That's it for another heart warming edition, until next time remember: Do NOT try anything mentioned in these letters at home. because if you act like these people you deserve to be shot. And hopefuly will.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

The doctor is in!

well, it's been 3 days since my last post, and the mail's been piling up. Not my mail, mind, but I'm sure the more...'legitimate'..advice pages wouldn't mind me intercepting their mail and anwsering it for them. So without further ado let's see what I recieved (read 'stole') this time:

Q. I work with a man who is self centered and conceited. He is also the department supervisor. He only talks about himself and never listens to anyone else. Since he is such a witty speaker, at first people are spellbound by his conversations. It begins to wear thin. He corners anyone and drones on for hours if allowed. How can we stop him?

A. Sorry Sharron, I'm afraid Simon is too much of a phenomonone to stop now. He's ITV's biggest money spinning franchise, all you can really do is quit before you're forced to do another season of X-factor together.

Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. It makes me cry.

A. Normaly I'd say 'if you don't like him, dump his emo ass, and call his bluff. He probably won't have the balls to go through with it.' However I notice your letter is postmarked from Bridgend, so your hands are tied. I'm afraid you have no choice but to continue dating him. You'll just have to learn to like My Chemical Romance, self harm and really bad poetry about how bleak his world is, I guess.

Q. My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don't even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?

A. Have you not heard the recent Fern Britton controversy? There's your anwser; gastric Band surgery. It's LIKE exercise--- but easy.

Q. I think I'll go nuts if I don't get some sense knocked into me! I met this guy at work and realized that I was interested and wanting to know more, so I decided to make the first move and asked him to a movie. He agreed, but right away said that because we worked together, he didn't want our relationship to go any further than friendship (by the way, he paid). I was embarrassed, but appreciated his honesty. Since that conversation, we have spent the better part of the past three months together. He's invited me to meet his family, he's met mine, we've gone to a few movies, he's made it a point to introduce me to his friends, he's cooked for me, we've gone out numerous times...etc. He's even the one who calls to make all of the plans. Recently he quit his job (so we no longer are co-workers). However, he hasn't made any sort of move, so should I assume that he is just nice and wasn't ever really interested? I think you should also know that he expressed an interest in ANOTHER co-worker of ours! I mean, what is he DOING? Is it actually possible that he could spend this much time with me and have no romantic interest? If he has no interest, can I remain his friend while suppressing my feelings and still be emotionally healthy?

A. You are absolutly right. What the hell does he think he's doing! Males and females canNOT innteract unless it is for the purposes of dating and/or sex. I mean does he not have males friends to interact with, at least then he wouldn't needlessly lead them on. Not like poor little you.
He is obviously a cold, callous shell of a man, who is totaly incapable of any emotion whatsoever. let the co-worker have him. That'll teach both of them. That bitch!

oh, well that's it for now. I have to evade the police. Incidently you may have to wait a bit for my next post if I'm laying low from 'the man'. Who knew stealing mail was still classed as treason?

Thursday, 19 June 2008

the 'pilot' post

Okay, we ALL know about problem pages 'Dear Dedrie/Jane/Bea/Whoever/Whatsit', and they all seem to give the same advice. And it all seems to be crap! So what I present here are genuine letters written to said problem pages (of which it turns out there are bazillions!) and my own advice. The advice they should have been given. the advice that would help them and the rest of the world. Join me now as I make the world a better place. One problem at a time. Let's see our first victim---I mean reader's---letter.

Q. I consider myself to be attractive, intelligent and sociable, but not too many males are drawn to me. Why is that?

A. from your letter I would sumise the problem is your HUGE EGO but don't worry, there are ways to overcome this. The easiest way is to dress real slutty like. If you look like you're gonna give away the farm on, or even better BEFORE the 1st date, then personality really doesn't matter from that point forward.

Q. I met this girl on a social networking website, and I'm starting to fall for her. We talk every once in while, probably about once a week, and met for the first (and only) time about 4 months ago. I would like to talk to her more often to get to know her better, but I've never flirted online and I have no clue on how to do this, so I need some advice in that department. Also, I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to send her a e-greeting or something for Valentine's day, and if I should, then what kind of greeting; friendly or romantic, e-greeting or something self-made, funny or serious. The thing that worries me in this situation is that a Valentine's card would seem like something coming out of left field, and may strike her as odd, or even worse, desperate, which I don't want to come off as being.

A. From your letter I have concluded you are incapable of deciding anything for yourself. Your mother probably chose the font for you, right? The good news is, THAT makes you perfect boyfriend material. Women are always looking for men they can control and manipulate to fulfill their every whim and desire.
Now, how to get to that point? If you're going to go the on-line relationship route firstly you NEED to buy a webcam. that way she can see you performing all kinds of sordid disgusting acts on yourself. And chicks love that, screw all this hearts and flowers crap! Don't just dive in there, though, oh no, no, no! Firstly you'll need to get her in the mood, and to that end, I suggest sending her a picture of your genitals (If they're tiny you can use Photoshop or a similair editing suite before you send it.) with a sweet message. Something like 'I've shown you mine, now show me yours'. This also has the advatage of hinting you may be interested in seeing her naughty bits. And nothing says romance like wanting to see someone's naughty bits.
And when do you set up this big surprise? that's right, valentine's day! Follow these easy steps and she'll think you're the king of smooth. you'll be paying for preety things, and insanely expensive shoes in no time. ;o)

Q. I am a 38 year old guy who needs your help with an embarrassing problem. For whatever reason, I have never kissed a woman. I know it is hard to believe, even laughable, but I’ve just never had the best of luck with the ladies. I’m not socially awkward- I know how to carry on a conversation and I’m fairly attractive, but I have never experienced that "first kiss" moment.
I don’t know if it’s something that I am doing or not doing, but I’m starting to feel this emptiness inside, like I’m missing out on something. I’ve avoided talking about my problem with friends, for fear of being looked down upon. I can’t help but feel like I’m past my prime. What can I do to get in the game?

A. Dear never been kissed, Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahh

H'eh. yeah. yeah, you were right, that WAS preety laughable. Luckily I can help. What you should do is practice kissing with a mirror, and when you feel you're ready for the real thing....practice using your hand. because that's when it gets real tricky. Incidently, I offer the same advice when you realise you're a virgin (least you better be, or else that's just disturbing!) Although skip the mirror part for that one. or else it just gets messy! trust me.

Q. I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him.We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

A. Easy. you sucked in bed!

Q. My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

A. Nothing. Your lack of talent means you will die alone, unloved and unremembered. If it makes you feel better the good news is nobody will miss you so they won't be sad.

Q. I am in a muddle. I love two men. One is my ex.-boyfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current boyfriend. Both are lovely men, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?

A. Threesome.

well, that's all I have time for/ can be bothered to post for now. But if you enjoyed that, and felt it enriched your life don't worry
I will be back again soon. If you didn't you're a freak and should be made to feel like a martyr by having a big red X painted on your door in blood. I promise I'll update this thing regularly (just like the 12,346 people who have abridged series on you tube), after all there's alot more people out there that need my help.