Friday, 29 August 2008


Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at to find out.

Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).

Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.

Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.

Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).

Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.

Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.

Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Paging the love doctor

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.

A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*

Friday, 8 August 2008

(self) love and marriage

Here I am, once again leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping...each time...That my next leap will be the leap home. If you don't understand the reference get out. Get out right now.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn't thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won't but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?
A. No. he secretly hates you. sorry.

Q. I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
A. Okay, I'm assuming this is just mis-mailed. This is an advice page. Not a freaking wedding planner service. Don't worry I'll be sure to forward your letter.

Q. My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
A. Nothing. And you shouldn't try. If he doesn't cast that accursed ring into the fires of mount mordoor then it's power will corrupt him, and, should it ever fall into the wrong hands....Doom us all! Do you really want that on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Q. I was telling a new acquaintance about how I met and married my husband. When I said it out loud like that, I realized that I may have forced my husband's hand into marrying me. But she was romantically proposed to by surprise on a vacation. I feel cheated!
A. Well I can understand how, in hindsight, the white van, band of heavies and blindfold may seem a bit heavy handed. But you have to believe your husband DOES love you really. The fact that he hardly ever tries to escape from his cell anymore should be proof of that.

Q. How do I love myself? Where do I start? I feel like through the years I forgot who I am and what I'm about and I feel very lost.
A. Well, the most common male masturbation technique is simply to hold the penis with a loose fist and then to move the hand up and down the shaft until orgasm and ejaculation take place. The speed of the hand motion will vary from person to person, although it is not uncommon for the speed to increase as ejaculation nears and for it to decrease during the ejaculation itself. When uncircumcised, stimulation of the penis in this way comes from the "pumping" of the foreskin. This gliding motion of the foreskin reduces friction. When circumcised, there is more direct contact between the hand and the glans, thus a personal lubricant is sometimes used to reduce friction. Sometimes, if too much pressure is applied, it may be rubbed sore for a time.
Circumcised or not, men may rub or massage the glans, the rim of the glans, and the frenular delta.
Another technique is to place just the index finger and thumb around the penis about halfway along the penis and move the skin up and down. A variation on this is to place the fingers and thumb on the penis as if playing a flute, and then shuttle them back and forth. Another common technique is to lie face down on a comfortable surface such as a mattress or pillow and rub the penis against it until orgasm is achieved. This technique may include the use of a simulacrum, or artificial vagina.
There are many other variations on male masturbation techniques. Some men place both hands directly on their penis during masturbation, while others use their free hand to fondle their testicles, nipples, or other parts of their body. Some may keep their hand stationary while pumping into it with pelvic thrusts in order to simulate the motions of sexual intercourse. Others may also use vibrators and other sexual devices more commonly associated with female masturbation. A few extremely flexible males can reach and stimulate their penis with their tongue or lips, and so perform autofellatio.
The prostate gland is one of the organs that contributes fluid to semen. As the prostate is touch-sensitive, some directly stimulate it using a well-lubricated finger or dildo inserted through the anus into the rectum. Stimulating the prostate from outside, via pressure on the perineum, can be pleasurable as well. Some men, also, enjoy anal stimulation, with fingers or otherwise, without any prostate stimulation. Semen is sometimes ejaculated onto a tissue or some other item.
Hope that helps.