Monday, 3 November 2008

It's on the wing.....It's on the wing!

Okay, sorry guys, I'm a couple days late, blame the gremlin in Internet explorer that I only just managed to evict. Since you've all waited long enough let's get on with this column shall we?

I am a new member of a small, local organization. We have an email group. Occasionally a member will post information that has nothing directly to do with the organization, usually political in nature. These political emails and petitions offend me. They in no way reflect my beliefs and politics. What should I do?

Oh. MY. GOD! who the hell allowed people to speak freely on the internet?! I suggest you help me in a crusade to not only found that scoundrel and hang him by his nuts with a rusty nail, but also shut down any web page that could be considered the least bit offensive by anybody in the world ever....leaving only wholesome, informative pages like this one.


When I was much younger, I made a terrible mistake. I stole about $100.00 worth of clothes from a department store near my house. I had long since forgotten about it until one day recently I went by the store and felt a terrible sense of guilt. I now know that stealing violates one of the Ten Commandments. I can't even walk past the store anymore without feeling a sense of shame and guilt. I am thinking about going to the store and "confessing" and giving them the value of the clothes, but I don't want to got to jail for theft. I am really torn up inside about the right thing to do. Can you give me some advice?

Yes. Yes I can. You should burn down that clothing store. That'd teach it. sitting there. Mocking you. Knowing what you'd done. It's like that story about the Telltale Heart. Well they won't catch you. Not like him. Oh no! You'll show them. Now go forth. Show that stupid store just how bad a decision crossing you was. Girl power! I assume you're a girl because:
a) a bloke would steal cool electronic stuff and
b) he wouldn't care! the y-chromosome makes us unable to feel any kind of guilt.


My sister-in-law is from a different country. When she breastfeeds my nephew she just opens up and pulls her breast out and feeds the baby. My family and friends aren't really used to that method. Whether we are visiting her at home or out and about, she will just pop them out. I have not quite been able to come up with a way to talk to her about this.

Is she a MILF in law? Because if so the best way to deal with this is to send her round to my place whenever you're gonna have company. She doesn't even have to bring the baby. Just her boobs.


I am really stressing about college. I haven’t received my acceptances yet from the colleges I applied to and I am worried that I will not get into any of them. I need ways to stop my stress. HELP ME!!

Well, there's always drinking yourself into oblivion. That seems to be an old favourite. But if you're going to college you may prefer developing a drug addiction, this will be good practise for if you DO actually get accepted. other options include meaningless sex with strangers you pick up in nightclubs, self harm and pushing it deep, deep down until it becomes a burning rage that explodes at the slightest provocation. But ultimately you need to follow your own heart when making a choice like this.


How much does liposuction cost? 2,000-10,000 dollars?

It can be very expensive. Instead I recommend you develop anorexia. That actually SAVES you money, because you buy less food, and has similar results.

Okay, I'm going alone and unarmed into the basement to hunt down the hideous gremlin now, so if I survive I'll be back soon.

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