Friday, 29 August 2008


Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at to find out.

Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).

Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.

Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.

Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).

Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.

Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.

Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.