Monday, 28 July 2008

bunny boiler special!

This weeks letters all have a theme so lock up your bunnies girls and boys, otherwise they'll get boiled by one of this week's writers. So here we go, out of the boiling pan and into the fire.

Q. I am a 30 something, single female- who met a man online several months ago. After a period of e-dating, we took our relationship offline and are now intimately involved. I discovered last week that he still has his profile posted on this web site, and that he is getting winks and/or emails from women users. However, he assured me that he is not dating anyone else from the internet at this time. Trust in this relationship was an issue for me before my cyber discovery because he will not tell me how he feels about me or our relationship. I don’t know what to think. Can you help?
A. One question, how the hell did you know his profile was still up without going on that site yourself? You are obviously just as unfaithful, woman! So what? now he's not allowed to talk to anybody else? controlling much?! God! Next time you meet, cook him a big meal, buy him a wii or PS3, complete with Metal gear Solid 4 (I'd say both just to be safe) and beg his forgiveness. Beg woman, and it may not be too late. (but if it is I call the PS3.)

Q. I have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me?
A. If you re-read your letter the anwser should become obvious. Because you are a psycho bitch. This 'title-less' relationship is basicaly his way of avoiding having to tell you he's not interested so's you don't boil his bunny, shred his clothes and....God knows what else!

Q. I have been dating a guy over the net. We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it. I am almost 16 and he is 18. Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net. I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend? Please tell me what to do.
A. errr....errmmmm....what should you.....Oh! oh, I know! Grow up and get over it!
I mean if he has a girlfriend then you must have expected that---oh!---ahh, you mean you.... bwa ha ha... you thought you were his girlfriend. that is sooooo cute. Bless ya.
Yeah, that doesn't really constitute girlfriend so much as on-line play thing. But now the good news: Since you were never actualy his girlfriend, you haven't actualy been dumped.

Q. I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.
A. since you evidently want to skip over the whole 'dating' and 'relationship' stages right the way up to marriage, I suggest you take up a religion that practices arranged marriages. That way your family will have to do the hard work of finding a bloke for you. Plus they might be able to get some free land and/or cattle in the bargain too.

geez, they were clingy psychos weren't they? luckily the y-chromosome makes us males much more stable and well adjusted, right guys?

Q. I am a twenty something, single guy who had been dating a woman for about 6 months until she recently moved to another country. Since she has been away, I have had time to really think about our relationship and I am plagued with feelings of insecurity and confusion.
She was the one to initiate an intimate relationship a short while after we had become friends. Things were really good between us until her behavior started to change. Suddenly, when we were together, she began staring at other guys and making comments about their attractiveness and attributes. One time, she pointed to a perfect stranger and told me he was her "type" and that he had the "look" that she liked. A few days later we walked by the same place where she had first seen him and she asked; "Where’s my cutie pie?" Another time she asked me if I thought that a certain guy and girl were together. When I asked her why she wanted to know that, she replied, "he’s hot." I didn’t want to appear jealous, so I tried to ignore it, however, she continued with the stares and comments.
We were in email contact after she left, but when I expressed some of my feelings and concerns, she merely said she was sorry if I was offended and that she had not intended to be hurtful. I haven’t heard from her since even though I have attempted contact in order to try and sort this out.
If I was not her type, why did she initiate a relationship? I would also like to know why she continued seeing me and then making a point of telling me that I don’t have the look that she likes in a guy. How should I handle this situation?
A. Errrmmm. She's not replying to your e-mails, and she fled the country to get away from you. Is this not a clear enough message? You were sport. She owned you and now she's bored. let this be a lesson to you. Women willl treat you like objects, the only defence is to do the same to them first. If you take this away from the experience it wasn't all in vain.

Q. After three months of getting to know each other, we thought we were just what each of us had been looking for. The next month advanced to the physical stage and life was nirvana! Then, after a misunderstanding she suddenly wanted "space".
When a woman says she wants some "space", what does that mean? How long should I give her, and what's the best thing I can do to get her back? Pursuing her has made it worse. Can I rekindle things after doing that?
A. It means she wants space! As in give her some time to herself. As in do NOT pursue her. Do not start planning the best way to win her back, or worrying about when you'll see her again. And defineitly DO NOT EVER write a bitching letter to an advice collumn like a little cry baby girly man. And I mean EVER! But yes your relationship CAN be re-kindled. As long as you follow these pointers. Otherwise it is doome--Oh---wait a sec--crap. sorry dude! :'(

Q. I have had a girlfriend for about 6 months. We live in different countries that are on opposite sides of the world. We knew each other as youngsters but did not begin our relationship until she moved away. About 4 months ago, I saw a photo of her and another man on her website. In the picture, they looked a bit more than friends. I sent my girlfriend an e-mail asking her about the photo. She hasn’t responded since then. I don’t have her phone number so I can’t call her. I’m sure my e-mails are getting through. I am ready to move on but I feel that I owe my girlfriend an opportunity to at least tell me if she wants to end our relationship. I have waited two months. How much longer should I wait for a response? Thank you.
A.---- Oh come on!
---- seriously?
--Where to start here? Okay she lives the other side of the world, you don't have her phone number...She's your girlfriend HOW exactly?!
If you're ready to move on why the hell haven't you after two months? Generaly that's more than enough time for normal people to call it quits. What I recomend is you send her one last e-mail telling her what you've just told me, then go outside, get a breath of fresh air, clear your head, and sit down in the middle of the road. Or dual carriage way if it's convenient. Then just wait for her reply. Or the next bus. Whichever.

Oh for the love of...! Having been let down by both sexes, all I can do now is find some way to not belong to either. kind of like the 'bloke' who had a baby recently. So i'm gonna go work on that between now and my next post.