Monday, 8 September 2008

Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me

Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.

Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.

Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.

Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.

Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.