Special #1: 21 clues he's cheating (but only if you're a paranoid bitch!)

Okay, this started as one of those 'dating advice' articles that are all over the Internet (People think anybody can give advice nowadays, not just trained professionals like me), then I got my hands on it. The logic is so full of holes I just had to share it. So, introduction over...enjoy!

1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
that's actually because you're butt-ugly. And a paranoid bitch. And NOBODY wants to be seen out with a butt ugly paranoid bitch.

Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)....here's some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.