Friday, 4 July 2008

just when you thought it was safe to check blogger...!

-phew- I'm back and let me tell you, hiding from the police is nowhere near as much crazy fun and hijinks as Prision break would have you believe. But enough about my problems...let's solve some other people's shall we?

Q. I am a single, professional woman in my mid-thirties who needs some advice handling a difficult dating situation. A couple of months ago I met a nice guy at a friend’s party and we seemed to hit it off. After spending a long time talking that first night, I gave him my number and he called and asked me out. I was really looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him, and might have blown the whole thing up in my mind beforehand. When he came to pick me up, he seemed different. In fact, we related differently this time from that first meeting. Even though I was disappointed, I decided to give it a chance and see if things got better as the evening wore on. They didn’t and I found myself glancing at the clock and trying to find ways to cut the evening short. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me and suggested some things we could do together. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said something like; " I have a lot going on at work over the next month and will be very tied up most of the time." He suggested that we discuss our options when he calls and I reluctantly agreed. I made a point of avoiding a goodnight kiss and tried to be nicely distant when we parted.
I need some advice on how to let guys down easily. I usually drop hints by telling them I am very busy, unavailable and/or by not responding to emails or phone calls. I have even said that I am not interested in dating anyone at this time or that I am looking for a very specific age, profession or religion in the men I date. One would think that guys would be able to read between the lines and get the message, but I have not found this to be the case most of the time. How can I be heard without being cruel?

A. You cannot. Your first (and fatal) mistake was being 'nicely distant'. You should've just been distant,or even better,a total bitch. But you CAN get another chance. Since he wants to see you so much agree to meet up somewhere (preferably very busy) and treat him like dirt as loudly as possible. Insult absolutely everything about him. His clothes, his interests, his beliefs. remember absolutlely nothing is off limits, not even conventionaly taboo topics like religion.
Your aim, the whole time should be to highlight the fact that you're not interested because he's a loser, and to make him cry. If he actualy does....bonus! This should help him get the point. My presonal best is 2 mins 27 seconds. But then girls are softed and weaker than men, and since this is your first time I estimate it could take up to 8 whole minutes, but be paitant. The method works, but you must be willing to devote the time to it. Like all great relationship tools.
---Of course this could backfire horribly if he's one of those BDSM freaks who get off on that kind of thing. So pack some pepper spray just in case.

Q. I am a 32-year-old single woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man for 2 months. This man, in my opinion ,would normally receive a very high score. He is a fairly handsome guy with a great personality and mutual moral convictions. He is marriage minded and is very attentive and complimentary to me.
The problem is that he seems very feminine to me. His mannerisms are feminine, he is somewhat soft-spoken and his total demeanor at times exudes softness. There are things he sometimes says that I don't normally hear from a man's mouth .Since I thought that maybe it was just me, and that I had the wrong perception, I have asked him if others had ever mistaken him for being gay. I also asked him if he had ever fantasized about being with a man or had ever been with one. Each time his answer was no.. never.
Honestly, I really don't think he is gay. He has had previous relationships with women and is the father of three girls who do not live with him. This guy in every other way would be a great catch...but I find his feminine demeanor to be very distracting, somewhat of a turn off and publicly embarrassing. What advice could you offer me regarding an otherwise great guy, but one who is just a little too soft for my taste?

A. Okay, I hate to break it to you , but he is soooooo in the closet. But don't worry. you can fix this. because beng gay is a choice. I recomend you strap him to a chair and force him to watch the Die Hard Quadrology (except number 2, because...well because it sucks.) Commando and some good old fashioned porno. prising his eyes open and moistening them as needed. Just like in 'clockwork orange'. Alternatively, electro shock therapy could yield similair results if you're both willing to invest the time. As I told the previous reader- these things are all about investing the proper time and effort.

Q. hello ladies and gentlemen i met this wonderful guy named Will Baety from Utah over a month and a half ago on Inklink we are going to meet this Christmas since he coming down to visit me and have a New Year with me we are in love. But he says he is ready to marry me this Christmas Eve I am so excited because I really know I am in love with him as he is with me. So should I because he is turning 18 on April 24 and I am turning 16 May 8 what should I do. And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone until December 24, 2007 at 6:40 a.m. when we go pick him up at the airport to come back to my house. I am so excited

A. I'll be honest, when I first read this, I too became equaly excited. i mean this one letter could keep me going for a months worth of updates. (okay that's only two, but still!) but here goes...

Firstly, what is with all the detail? Why do I need to know the dude's name? and the EXACT time you're picking him up? Did you mistake this for one of those love match calculator things or something? Or do you just have OCD? because if so, I also recomend some Electro shock therapy for you. In fact you should probably electrocute yourself anyways from the sound of your letter. Were you not reading the last two letters when I mentioned taking time with things?
I mean did everybody else spot where it went from 'regular' stupid to 'oh my God! this material is gold' stupid? that's right...
'And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone'
WHAT?! What the hell?! How in the hell do you know you love him if you haven't really met him? And you consider not having met him 'the best bit'? Is that because you're stupid? or butt ugly?
Checking my 'dim teen to real people' dictionary am I right in assuming our word for what you call 'love' is translated as 'he's-said-some-nice-things-on-the-phone-and-in-my-tiny-little-girly-brain-since-this-makes-me-feel-happy-and-builds-my-non-existant-ego-up-it-must-be-love?' in case you're wondering it's like how Japanese have one word equivilent they say/write and it's to an entire phrase. Lazy bums!)

and finaly... at the risk of sounding like an ACTUAL advice column (God forbid!), I'd always consider marrying somebody you haven't lived with first a bad idea, since you discover all their annoying bad habits and they magnify ten fold after being cooped up together day in day out, so I guess marrying somebody you haven't met would be...I dunno...a really really really really really really really stupid idea (no, really!). Actualy, scratch that. I don't consider it an idea at all. that implies you've actualy thought about it.

Q. I recently entered a relationship with a woman who is sweet and a little dense at times- but nonetheless intelligent and trustworthy. We started dating just a few weeks after meeting- but after only one week, my feelings changed. It just happened as we spoke on the phone one day, and even though I have tried to suppress it- I just don't feel the same towards her. It is a feeling in my gut that is trying to tell me something. This is the second relationship in which this has happened. It is not as strong with the person I am currently with, but it is consistent and makes me feel ill at ease with her.
There is nothing about her that is causing me to feel this way. By that I mean that she is very sweet, attractive, honest and interested in me. The only possible issue for me is that she is not quite on the same intellectual level that I am- but I don't think it is fair to expect everyone to be my match in this area. For instance, when I asked her what she believes in, it took her forever and a day to answer. This shouldn't be such a serious issue and I wish I could make the feeling go away. I have asked people, 'Have you ever been with someone who you know is loyal, kind and trustworthy, but despite that you had a gut feeling that something was wrong about you being with her?' Most people say, 'yes' or 'I understand that feeling' or 'that's when I usually break it off.'
Can you give me some insight on this feeling and how I can overcome it, and perhaps talk to her about it rather than just breaking things off?

A. The problem is obvious from your letter. It's your vastly superior intellect. You should defintiely break it off with this dense mare so that you can meet somebody on your own level and have a super genius baby. However since she is both 'dense' and 'interested in [you]' may I recomend you make her dance like a puppet and manipulate her into putting out first? This also gives you the out of 'I'm just so confused. we're moving so fast. I need some time to think'. She'll buy it, after all she's dense, right?

Q. My sister said you wouldn’t answer this email.
A. ---

That's it for another heart warming edition, until next time remember: Do NOT try anything mentioned in these letters at home. because if you act like these people you deserve to be shot. And hopefuly will.

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