Monday, 21 July 2008

guest starring Lindsay Lohan

--Kinda sorta nearly. in a not at all way.
You all know how this works by now:

boo hoo, whine whine bitch
Cold hard slice of reality with a side order of sarcasm.
So without further ado...Order up!

Q. I'm attractive. I'm interesting. I like people and they like me. Why do I have so much trouble connecting with a special person in Dallas?
A. the main problem is the fact you live in London. Try connecting with somebody special there first. If that doesn't work you could always move to Dallas.

Q. I have fallen in love with a man who has been my friend for the past 5 years. He is a great person and we are close. Since he likes being single and I am scared of rejection I have always felt pretty safe not having to say anything to him about how I feel. We are both really shy when it comes to the opposite sex and he doesn't give me any idea about how he feels about me.
I have been driving myself crazy because I want to be in a relationship with him and he just slept with someone. It was a one-nightstand but I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy. He even mentioned the other day that we should go on a trip together next year. I can't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love him.
I respect, love, honor and cherish this man as my friend and now I want more. But, I don't want our friendship to end or change. What should I do?
A. Your relationship is in jeopardy? what relationship? you don't have a relationship, you psycho bitch. I suggest, since you daren't tell him how you feel and ergo you will never be with him, you should do the next best thing--- build an effigy of him. Which, since you seem to idolise him anyway, works out pretty well.
All you need is a mannequin or straw doll. Steal a few of his clothes, a lock of his hair, stick a picture of his face on the thing, and you're set. the two of you can date, snuggle and all the other things regular couples do, just like in 'Lars and the real girl'. In fact many stable and perfectly normal people use this technique, just ask my girlfriend Lindsy Lohan here..

Q. I basically have what seems like the world's most embarrassing problem in the bedroom. I haven't been with this guy long, and I really really like him; he's what I would have considered out of my league beforehand. I'm having a few arousal problems: no matter how much I want to have sex with him, my body just won't co-operate, and it usually leaves me feeling inadequate. We've only managed to have sex twice, maybe three times. The first time I was really tired, so he let me sleep and the second time we were drunk, making a fair bit of noise and were paranoid about his parents downstairs.I've done some research and I don't think it's something physically wrong with me, more mentally. Could my lack of arousal come from a recentish trauma with a complete and utter sh*tbag who led me on for more or less two years? My sex drive was really high before, and I've had sex since but only two or three times.I've considered going to the doctor about it - problem number 2 arises - I'm only 16, and I'm sure arousal problems aren't the sort of thing people my age go and see the doctor about. Any ideas on how to regain my drive? I really don't want to have to keep on relying on intoxicants for this!
A. Well you see, since you're having sex at 16 you must obviously be a chav, and therein lies the problem. This is more than likely an evolutionary thing. Basically nature does not want you getting aroused because nature does not want you having sex, because THAT would lead to you producing more chav offspring. there is nothing you can do. It's just God cleansing the gene pool. I would make a reference to it being an unexplained natural purge like in 'The Happening' but then you may want to go see it to understand the reference. And if anybody went to see it because of me I would NEVER, EVER forgive myself. EVER.

Q. Can anyone give me advice on dating? I now have confidence to ask girls out but I have no idea what to do on the date. And please do not say "just be yourself" because I already know this.
A. Don't worry, if you wrote a letter to an advice column about what to do on a date the very last thing you should do is be yourself. What you want to do is act like a deep caring sensitive guy who is interested in commitment and a relationship and all that kinda crap, take her to a bar somewhere to get her good and liquored up and then back to her place (because if she knows where you live she can find you again afterwards!) where you can jump her bones and sneak off before she gets up the next morning. If there's time you should also delete your number from her phone- but don't risk waking her if you do! You can always screen her with caller I.D. instead. Then repeat as often as needed with as many girls as needed.

Okay, I'm all helped out for now, so I'm gonna take a little nap to regain my power to nurture and educate. As you may've noticed this is running semi-regularly atm, so hopefully I'll be back in a week-ish, maybe. unless I over-sleep.