Friday, 10 October 2008

Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)'s some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.

Hi. My boyfriend fingered me for the first time tonight. Not just the first time with him, my first time ever, and it really hurt and felt uncomfortable. I didn't expect that to hurt! Why did it? Is this normal? I'm still a virgin by the way. I would expect me losing my virginity to hurt a bit, but I didn't think that would have. What went wrong?

It is not natural for this to hurt the first time at all, anybody who says it is is just covering for your boyfriend and so either hates you and wants to see you in more pain or he paid them off. Sadly your boyfriend is either massively incompetent, or a genius.
He either had no idea what he was doing down there because all he's used to his fingers doing to playing Guitar Hero on his DS and he assumed that you would be stimulated in a similar manner, and expected his sharp, rough, clumsy jabbings and stabbing to be met with cries of 'cool' 'awesome' and 'you rock!'
or he only acted like he didn't know what he was doing so that you would never again want him to satisfy your needs and so all that was left was for you to give him all the hand- and blow jobs he could handle.
I recommend you return the favour by making those as rough as you possibly can. Don't be afraid to use your teeth during the blow jobs. Which ever case, this is the simplest way to let him know he did wrong.

Me and my partner have been going out for just over a year. Sex was always amazing !! we both were very wild and had sexy every day, loadssss over weekends etc however lately im just really not in the mood for sex... i cant be bothered with that much activity... im finding it hard to get in the mood lately. Dont get me wrong god i love him like crazy he is the sexiest lad ever GORGEOUS. its just me, whats wrong with me wheres my sex drive gone ? :( xxx

Have you checked under the bed? Whenever I lose something it's always under my bed. Of course when I ever lose anything it's porn, so it's always under there. Nevertheless you should look under his bed. Even if you don't find your sex drive you may find his secret porn stash, and then you have an excuse to not have to have sex with him.

I am a Company Secretary, one of the Directors of the Company opened a letter addressed to me. Under English law is this illegal and what is the penalty?

Treason, and he can be hanged. Forcing him to go on the run and start a blog where he helps people while staying one step ahead of the military, which kinda makes him like the A-Team of problem pages. Trust me, I know this from experience

Q. OK this question is a little embarressing...I'm only 16 and i defeinitely want to wait to have sex till i'm married but i want to try that bad? Do girls my age do that? Is that normal? Also what about vibrators?..i dont know much about i to young to use one? wow this is embaressing but please help...i can't talk to my parents about this..

A. So you posted your embarrassing question on the world wide web that covers the whole wide world instead? Where everybody in the entire wide world (The clue's in the name: World Wide Web) can read about it?
I think Masturbation is the way forward for you. Because I do not want you having actual sex. ever. Because I do not want you passing your genes down to future generations. At all. Ever!

Okay, with those lessons learned I think next post I'll be back with something slightly different.
See ya in ten.

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