Monday, 29 October 2012

29th October 2012

Well, despite screwing up Halloween this year I’m at least managing to update fairly regularly. Which means that once a month I get a free pass to be bitter, snide and rude to anybody I like. Hey! You know who that reminds me of? Women:

My wife found the diary I keep charting her monthly cycle so I could tell when her moods would change – and all hell broke loose!
She is 34 and suffers from a severe form of PMS. I’m 40 and I’m not sure how much more I can take. She has just left and taken her youngest children to her mother’s, leaving me and our oldest here. Both the children were sobbing. She yelled at me: “What kind of f***ing man are you? Grow a pair of b***s.” My life is a living hell.
She keeps accusing me of cheating when she gets this way. I either get the silent treatment or a petty row erupts into a massive argument. I’m either at home or at work – I’d never cheat on her. Why can’t she see that her hormones are turning her into a monster once a month.

---Wow. Okay. I want to call you a dumbass for letting her find the diary, but the idea to find the diary itself was pretty shrewd. I guess you average out as being of normal intelligence.
The diary is a step most men would never have thought of on their own. So thank you for passing that on, along with the importance of why such a document should always be well hidden.
Rest assured that your sacrifice isn’t in vain, and you have helped millions of men who have to face their own she devils on a monthly basis. To honour your sacrifice, when your horribly mutilated remains are inevitably found, I will do everything I can to make sure you are sainted and buried on consecrated ground. I hope this gives you some comfort as you stare down your own mortality.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Jimmy World News: Victoria Secret Edition

Victoria Secret Model Launches Sexual 
Harassment Suit Against Thing Adams.

The above photo's were submitted in evidence of the nameless model's accusations that the Adams family's disembodied hand had repeatedly harassed her. Going so far as to stalk her to a shoot and attempt to grope her on set. 
Well, either that or somebody really screwed up with the airbrushing duties. I'll be honest, I've really not researched this story very thoroughly. But rest assured I shall be spending many a Saturday night studying this picture in hopes of getting to the bottom of this mystery. The things I do for the sake of my readers...!