Sunday, 22 June 2008

The doctor is in!

well, it's been 3 days since my last post, and the mail's been piling up. Not my mail, mind, but I'm sure the more...'legitimate'..advice pages wouldn't mind me intercepting their mail and anwsering it for them. So without further ado let's see what I recieved (read 'stole') this time:

Q. I work with a man who is self centered and conceited. He is also the department supervisor. He only talks about himself and never listens to anyone else. Since he is such a witty speaker, at first people are spellbound by his conversations. It begins to wear thin. He corners anyone and drones on for hours if allowed. How can we stop him?

A. Sorry Sharron, I'm afraid Simon is too much of a phenomonone to stop now. He's ITV's biggest money spinning franchise, all you can really do is quit before you're forced to do another season of X-factor together.

Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. It makes me cry.

A. Normaly I'd say 'if you don't like him, dump his emo ass, and call his bluff. He probably won't have the balls to go through with it.' However I notice your letter is postmarked from Bridgend, so your hands are tied. I'm afraid you have no choice but to continue dating him. You'll just have to learn to like My Chemical Romance, self harm and really bad poetry about how bleak his world is, I guess.

Q. My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don't even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?

A. Have you not heard the recent Fern Britton controversy? There's your anwser; gastric Band surgery. It's LIKE exercise--- but easy.

Q. I think I'll go nuts if I don't get some sense knocked into me! I met this guy at work and realized that I was interested and wanting to know more, so I decided to make the first move and asked him to a movie. He agreed, but right away said that because we worked together, he didn't want our relationship to go any further than friendship (by the way, he paid). I was embarrassed, but appreciated his honesty. Since that conversation, we have spent the better part of the past three months together. He's invited me to meet his family, he's met mine, we've gone to a few movies, he's made it a point to introduce me to his friends, he's cooked for me, we've gone out numerous times...etc. He's even the one who calls to make all of the plans. Recently he quit his job (so we no longer are co-workers). However, he hasn't made any sort of move, so should I assume that he is just nice and wasn't ever really interested? I think you should also know that he expressed an interest in ANOTHER co-worker of ours! I mean, what is he DOING? Is it actually possible that he could spend this much time with me and have no romantic interest? If he has no interest, can I remain his friend while suppressing my feelings and still be emotionally healthy?

A. You are absolutly right. What the hell does he think he's doing! Males and females canNOT innteract unless it is for the purposes of dating and/or sex. I mean does he not have males friends to interact with, at least then he wouldn't needlessly lead them on. Not like poor little you.
He is obviously a cold, callous shell of a man, who is totaly incapable of any emotion whatsoever. let the co-worker have him. That'll teach both of them. That bitch!

oh, well that's it for now. I have to evade the police. Incidently you may have to wait a bit for my next post if I'm laying low from 'the man'. Who knew stealing mail was still classed as treason?