Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Jimmy World News #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Jimmy World News. A special, semi-regular feature where I turn my trademark cynicism to the world of news and current affairs.

Britney mimes for live performances?

The BIG news at the moment, screw the recession that could destroy the world economy as you so much as breath on it too heavily is that Britney Spears is the centre of controversy surrounding her return for her exile from the music world (That’s a polite way of saying she went nutso. It’s like when your dog dies and your parents say he’s gone to live on a farm. Yep.I hate to break it to you but Mister Pawington is actually dead), after she has been caught miming performances that were supposed to be live. No way. No fucking way! Really? Do ya think?! 

Monday, 1 December 2008

H? C? Where's L?

Well here we go with another episode of 'Dear Jimmy', as I shine a small ray of hope upon another group of otherwise hopeless losers. Subject of losers....

Basically i've been chasing after this girl called Amy for roughly four months and I think I've fallen in love with her, she broke up with her boyfriend about the time i took an interest in her so naturally when i asked her out she said she "wasn't ready for a commitment yet" then assured me that it wasn't me it was her. So I gave her, her space but literally Yesterday I discovered that she has a new boyfriend and when i confronted her about it she says that she "never knew I felt so stongly" towards her but i made it clear that i liked her in that way. But what makes it worse is that she has chosen to go out with a complete jackass, the guy Stefan is just such an idiot, he has these "random sex facts" which I'll admit are pretty funny but can be pretty disgusting, he's also a complete fatass the dude weighs like 17 stone at 16 years old and he's just generally annoying. So what should I do? should i wait for her to see what I see about him? should I intervene? or what should I do?

Y'know, if Stefan is as bad as you make him out to be then that must make you a total loser for losing out to him. The fact that you fell for the whole 'it's not you it's me spiel' leads me to think this is the case. But don't worry, here's what you should do: Aim low. Really low! Aim so low that becoming gay and asking Stefan out is a step up from what you actually end up dating.