Monday, 29 October 2012

29th October 2012

Well, despite screwing up Halloween this year I’m at least managing to update fairly regularly. Which means that once a month I get a free pass to be bitter, snide and rude to anybody I like. Hey! You know who that reminds me of? Women:

My wife found the diary I keep charting her monthly cycle so I could tell when her moods would change – and all hell broke loose!
She is 34 and suffers from a severe form of PMS. I’m 40 and I’m not sure how much more I can take. She has just left and taken her youngest children to her mother’s, leaving me and our oldest here. Both the children were sobbing. She yelled at me: “What kind of f***ing man are you? Grow a pair of b***s.” My life is a living hell.
She keeps accusing me of cheating when she gets this way. I either get the silent treatment or a petty row erupts into a massive argument. I’m either at home or at work – I’d never cheat on her. Why can’t she see that her hormones are turning her into a monster once a month.

---Wow. Okay. I want to call you a dumbass for letting her find the diary, but the idea to find the diary itself was pretty shrewd. I guess you average out as being of normal intelligence.
The diary is a step most men would never have thought of on their own. So thank you for passing that on, along with the importance of why such a document should always be well hidden.
Rest assured that your sacrifice isn’t in vain, and you have helped millions of men who have to face their own she devils on a monthly basis. To honour your sacrifice, when your horribly mutilated remains are inevitably found, I will do everything I can to make sure you are sainted and buried on consecrated ground. I hope this gives you some comfort as you stare down your own mortality.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Jimmy World News: Victoria Secret Edition

Victoria Secret Model Launches Sexual 
Harassment Suit Against Thing Adams.

The above photo's were submitted in evidence of the nameless model's accusations that the Adams family's disembodied hand had repeatedly harassed her. Going so far as to stalk her to a shoot and attempt to grope her on set. 
Well, either that or somebody really screwed up with the airbrushing duties. I'll be honest, I've really not researched this story very thoroughly. But rest assured I shall be spending many a Saturday night studying this picture in hopes of getting to the bottom of this mystery. The things I do for the sake of my readers...!

Friday, 28 September 2012

28th September 2012

So I got very very drunk and decided that I should probably read some more mail, answer some more questions and put out another update. God damn it! When will I learn?!

I have had feelings for a work colleague for a long time and I have so far failed to get over her. I knew that nothing could happen between us and in the likely event she would reject me I would have felt nothing but awkwardness. We got along very well and I didn't want to jeopardise a good friendship. Now she has left our workplace and I feel awful just knowing that I won't see her again as she has moved far away as well. Before I attempted asking someone else out at work in an effort to get over her who declined and now goes out with another work colleague making me feel even worse. I know it is cliché but I can't fathom having feelings for anyone else, at least not for a little while. To be honest I think I just need reassuring that I will not feel this way for too long so I don't know if I am wasting your time but nonetheless thank you in advance. 

Yeah…About that…! I’d love to tell you this feeling will pass, but when I got swore in as an agony uncle I had to take a vow to always be honest.
So I’m afraid you’ll never stop feeling this way, so break out the hard liquor, Linkin Park and Razor blades and stop wasting my time so I can help some people who there is actually still some hope for.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

22nd August 2012

The mail sure has been mounting up and I've not had chance to reply while I've been hard at work on my Olympic channel surfing training regime. Luckily Coach has allowed me 5 minutes to answer some letters.
...That doesn't mean I have a trainer. I'm on about the old Craig T.Nelson/Jerry Van Dyke sitcom. It's on an ad-break.

 Just to clarify, I hate tattoos, always have done, I think it's desecration of the body, not art. I have only ever seen one that I thought was ok, it was a musical scroll (I am a musical person) delicately etched on a girls foot. It didn't mean I liked them.
My daughter (a maddening free spirited wild child if ever there was one) loves them, thank the good sweet lord my son has more sense, but then he is a doctor. I told her if she ever got one I'd disown her. On her 26th she got the top of her ear pierced, disgusting, I hated it but she liked it. I thought it made her look like a tart and told her as much, but at least piercings can seal up. Though she still has it.
The for her 27th she got a tattoo or her buttock. She didn't tell me she was getting it until after it was done. It's a heart made out of musical symbols which she had done instead of an "I love mum" tattoo. She thought I may like this. I don't. Flowers say it much better in my mind.
She turns 29 in 2 weeks and today she came in sporting not one but two new tattoos and a new piercing. One tattoo is at the top of her back and the second is at the bottom. I was furious. I can't even use the "not under my roof" line with her as she has been living independent since 19. She now intends to get at least 2 more. A sword down her thigh for her father, my husband, as he loves claymores and the arabic for salam (peace) behind her ear. 
I have begged her not to get anymore, have asked her to think about what she will look like when she is 80. Her answer was "why are you worried about that? I won't be embarrassing you at that point will I?" I was furious!

Can she not see that they are tacky? Please someone tell me a tattoo horror story I can tell her to stop her from getting anymore!!

…Okay…I think I have one… You should tell her about this one woman who I heard about, who got a couple of tattoos and piercings and so her over controlling religious nut job mother wrote this long rambling letter about how they were ‘tacky’ and made her look like ‘a tart’ and it got posted on  the internet for all to see, even though the daughter was living independently as she hated the mother so much that she moved the fuck out the second she was able to. I think the thought of her mother turning into an overbearing bitch like that would scare the shit out of her

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Jimmy World News: Olympic Channel Surfing Edition

Time for your daily dose of stupid whining. According to The Daily Mail the BBC's attempts to cover EVER SINGLE FUCKING event of the Olympics, bringing them to the homes of the millions of people who were disappointingly unable to get tickets, has been a complete failure! And all because the sheer enormity of the Olympics and volume of events happening simultaneously forces people to change channel half way through an event. And apparently pushing buttons on a remote is equitable to an Olympic event now! 

"Stop doing that! I feel like I’m participating in the Olympics, chasing after the TV channel." 

cried one whiny bitch. Fuck! Throw in a stipulation about having to eat Doritos and drink bourbon and it'd finally be the chance I've been longing for to live my Olympic dreams.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

28th July 2012

Man, it's Olympic season! Are you all hyped?! Yeah, me neither. Screw that noise. So let's wait for the starter's pistol and just dive into the mailbag to see what everybody wants to discus this time around.

A few years ago I had a dream about having sex with a women, and after thinking about it I found the idea a real turn on and have since regularly masturbated using this fantasy, last year I had a look a lesbian porn and enjoyed it. Having had some time to think all this through I am wondering what the next step should be? I am single and really am not interested in dating but would like to meet a women with who I could have a sexual experience with.

This doesn’t mean you are necessarily a lesbian, as much as exploring that side of your sexuality. To be certain what I suggest you do is pick up the hottest woman you can in your nearest lesbian bar for a night of dirty kinky sex, and film it.
If you then send the videos here to the Dear Jimmy offices I will go over them looking for signs of arousal or disgust. This will probably involve watching them numerous times, possibly joined by a crack team of experts…But only if they pay the admission charges.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Classic Review... I Know What You Did Last Summer

Dear Jimmy Reviews...

In 1997 we saw the release of the first film of what would (very) eventually become the ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ trilogy. But was this just another sub-standard slasher? Or is it a cut above the competition