Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Jimmy World News #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Jimmy World News. A special, semi-regular feature where I turn my trademark cynicism to the world of news and current affairs.

Britney mimes for live performances?

The BIG news at the moment, screw the recession that could destroy the world economy as you so much as breath on it too heavily is that Britney Spears is the centre of controversy surrounding her return for her exile from the music world (That’s a polite way of saying she went nutso. It’s like when your dog dies and your parents say he’s gone to live on a farm. Yep.I hate to break it to you but Mister Pawington is actually dead), after she has been caught miming performances that were supposed to be live. No way. No fucking way! Really? Do ya think?! 
What’s the matter with the people who are complaining about this? Have they not heard ‘Womaniser’? It’s so digitised that it sounds more like Stephen Hawking has finally launched his music career. They do realise that there is no way in hell that somebody is going to sound like that live without eating an entire synthesiser. Now you may be expecting me to jump on the bandwagon and make the obvious ‘Britney/fat’ joke that my previous statement sets up…..But I don’t think they’re entirely accurate. Sure she added a few pounds and after years of seeing her like this….

then maybe seeing her with a ‘real person’ figure would come as a bit of a shock. But you can’t honestly tell me that this is what we class as morbidly obese nowadays?

I’m not about to break into a chorus of Mika or anything like that (mainly because the guy’s a complete knob as far as I’m concerned) but my point is, there are women in the music industry who it’d be fairer to make fat jokes about.
For example (and this is especially for those of you who spent hundreds of hours and millions of pounds on therapy repressing this….)

Chinese dumbass attacked by panda…
Zoo employee
interferes with natural selection
In Southern China a twenty year old man, that’s right twenty years old, that’s old enough to read, scaled the fence surrounding a panda enclosure ignoring the signs that read ‘Don’t go in there or the Panda’s gonna freakin’ kill you dead!’. Why would he do that you ask? Well apparently he said the panda ‘looked so cute’ and wanted to hug it. The feeling wasn’t mutual however as Yingyang, the panda, began biting at the man’s arms and legs. Maybe he was startled by seeing an intruder in his territory or maybe he sensed that the gene pool would be better off without him. I can only speculate as Yingyang was unavailable for comment. Incidentally if anybody cares (NO!) the man was saved by a zoo employee before he was freakin’ killed dead. Darwin would be spinning in his grave right now!

Ronaldo Handball controversy

Now I don’t pretend I’m a football expert and I’m diving in at the deep end and taking my life in my own hands by discussing Manchester United and the controversial red card that Ronaldo received after his handball this week. But I believe it was a legitimate understanding, I mean right from the start He has clearly and consistently explained that he heard a whistle and thought that play had stopped. And that he was pushed. And that he was defending his face. And that he thought Micah Richards had been injured when he heard him shout. And that an older boy made him do it. And that it was like that when he got there. And that he was temporarily possessed by an evil spirit and had no control over his body. And that there was a small remote control plane inside the ball that caused it to veer off the course he was expecting it to take and onto his hand instead. And that he had a flashback to his holidays and assumed he was playing volleyball. And that he was actually raising his hand to swat a mosquito for fear that it might bite him and he’d contract malaria. And that he was ACTUALLY just shielding his eyes from the sun. And that he was simply waving at a frail old lovable granma in the crowd. And that-……. Nope. That’s it for now. But expect ‘Ronaldo’s handball excuses’ to become another semi regular item here at this rate.

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