Monday, 20 October 2008

Special #1: 21 clues he's cheating (but only if you're a paranoid bitch!)

Okay, this started as one of those 'dating advice' articles that are all over the Internet (People think anybody can give advice nowadays, not just trained professionals like me), then I got my hands on it. The logic is so full of holes I just had to share it. So, introduction over...enjoy!

1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
that's actually because you're butt-ugly. And a paranoid bitch. And NOBODY wants to be seen out with a butt ugly paranoid bitch.

2. Your date prefers to stay at your apartment—giving you lame excuses for why you can’t come over to his or her place. Maybe if you did, you’d figure out the real deal—fast!
And has nothing to do with him being too lazy to hide his porn, plastic vagina and blow up dolls with Lindsay Lohan's face stuck on them.

3. Your new honey pushes you to sleep together very, very quickly. (This might be because his or her paramour is conveniently out of town, and this person doesn’t want to waste the free night’s opportunity.)
because normally sex is the very last thing on a guys mind.

4. Some of the compliments bestowed on you sound trite and memorized, like… “You are just a little bit irresistible.” Or this person pulls you close, and says, “Why are you standing so far away from me?” If your date walks and talks like a player, he or she could indeed be a player!
Basically, ladies, if a bloke compliments you, Ever, It means he's cheating on you. That's what this article wants you to believe.

5. Your sweetie goes on a lot of business trips—even on weekends. Leading a double life, anyone?
Well now you mention it he DOES look a bit like Superman--But--N'ah! He wears glasses and Superman has a spit curl. He couldn't possibly be.

6. When away on business, this new love of yours doesn’t provide details about what activities are occurring—and doesn’t share the name and phone number of a hotel, either. Um, maybe because your special someone isn’t away on business?
Because most couples always discuss flow dynamics, investment programmes and pie charts. I know it gets me in the mood.

7. You start to notice that your new honey prefers to email you rather than call you. (This could be because his or her partner is in the other room.)
Or it could be that it saves him having to listen to your paranoid bitch mind analysing absolutely every faucet of the conversation as it takes place searching for clues that he is in fact cheating on you in your winy paranoid bitch voice. You paranoid bitch.

8. Often when this person calls you, the calls are (a) kept short, (b) end abruptly, and/or (c) conducted in a barely audible voice. All signs that someone else may be in the picture.
Or that he feels uncomfortable about your insisting on phone sex when he's working late and you miss him, while he's trying to conduct a meeting with the board of directors. Maybe?

9. When you first meet this love interest, you’re only given a work number—and getting a cell-phone number is very slow-going… (probably out of fear that you’ll call when he or she is out with the significant other).
Or that you'll turn out to be a needy bag of neuroses, a stalker and/or a paranoid bitch. This makes it easier to brush you off.

10. Your new love is rarely available on weekends or national holidays — claiming business needs — or that family crisis.
How dare he?! You're the only family he'll ever need.

11. Your sweetie is always at work late… hmm.
how dare he, again! Now he's trying to further his career far enough, and work enough hours, to actually earn enough money to be able to afford to buy all the crap you insist that he buys or else you label him as cheap?! That bastard!

12. This person is very vague with details about past relationships. (This could be because an “ex-paramour” is actually a now-paramour.)
Because women LOVE hearing all about your exes, in as explicit detail as possible. FACT! If you can mention the sex life the two of you had, even better!

13. Your new honey repeats the same stories—because he or she has forgotten who’s been told what.
...because if the story stays the same, and doesn't change to something totally different then it blatantly must be a lie. just look at the bible.

14. When spending time with you, this person has frequent excuses to go for little walks with cell phone in hand. For example, your sweetie may claim to make a business call and that there’s bad cell phone reception where you are sitting. Or your new love seems to go to the restroom far too frequently—and for far too long. This is a sign that the individual is working on covering for the fact that he or she is out with you!
You may think at first that the terrible food has just given him the runs, or he simply needs a break from your paranoid bitchiness, but don't be fooled! he's actually sneaking out to a different restaurant through the bathroom window where he is on another date, with another woman, simultaneously. Many hi-jinks, humorous misunderstandings and double-entendres ensue. just like in Happy Days. that's why when he sits back down you hear booing, hissing and cries of 'OOHHHHHH!'.

15. When with you, he or she doesn’t want to pick up certain calls in your presence. Gee, wonder why not?
Because you so totally wouldn't be pissed if he interrupted dinner to go into a 90-minutes discussion over which way the company's business model should go for the new year with his boss.

16. This person is constantly online, even when with you, checking emails. And if you come close when he or she is online, poof! The window on the computer is immediately closed so you can’t see what was going on.
I'll tell you, he's writing an e-mail to 'Dear Jimmy' asking what the hell he should do about his paranoid bitch of a girlfriends who he hates but the angry angry sex is fantastic with.

17. Your date never ever leaves his or her cell phone or BlackBerry out where you might see it. It provides too many clues!
Because he doesn't want your paranoid bitch hands deleting the temptation of any female numbers from his address book, including his mother, sister and 87 year-old secretary with cleavage down to her knees and a lazy eye, while he's taking a leak.

18. Your date’s co-workers or friends seem a bit uncomfortable in your company.
That's just because he's told them that you're a paranoid bitch and he hates you, but can't leave you because the angry sex is fantastic.

19. You find out this person has friends who are players. (Often a group of immoral friends can work as a support system for each other’s immoral activities.)
I have friends who are women. that doesn't mean I'm gonna grow breasts and my penis is gonna drop off. (At least I hope it doesn't!)

20. You find out that your honey bunny cheated in past relationships. Statistically speaking, cheaters are suspect for cheating again.
Because they suffer a compulsion to do so. Just like alcoholics, gamblers and drug addicts. And you don't see support groups offering them a chance to turn their lives around and change their ways now, do you?

21. You're a paranoid bitch and nobody could ever love you. At all. Ever.

Well there you go folks. Hope you enjoyed that, because I enjoyed doing something a bit different. Let me know in the comments what you thought and whether or not you'd like to specials on a more regular basis. In the meantime, the regular format is back in another ten days, so see you then.

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