Monday, 29 September 2008

Ladies night

Today we seem to have an all female line-up this week. Not through a carefully and well thought out selection process, it just seems that Space were onto something when they sang about the female of the species being more needy than the male. (shock shock horror horror)

Q. The bride/groom of a wedding wanted to set me up with a great guy from New York that they thought I would "hit it off with." He was single and "looking." Because he came recommended I let my guard down (got a wee bit tipsy) and told him I thought he was cute. He returned the favor, and by evening's end we engaged in steamy kisses and innocent fooling around. I told him I visit NY often and he took my number. The problem: I cannot stop thinking of those "hot" stolen moments, but have not heard from him. I'm confused. Did I kiss him too soon? Does he not like me? Is it a distance thing? What went wrong?

A. Go into your bathroom. Now take a look in the mirror. There's your answer. Why do you think you were single to begin with?

Q. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the last 9 months we were together, I felt uncomfortable about telling him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receive any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But I thought about it and realized that he may never be able to open up with me, so I decided to let it go.
I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on and I have a feeling that there were issues he would not address. In order to find closure, I suggested we meet this weekend, which he agreed to. My question is- considering that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and share his honest feelings with me?

A. Okay, firstly the problem may not be that he's not sharing enough of his feelings as much as you're sharing way too many of your own and are coming across as needy and insecure. And guys hate that in chicks. So my advice to you is whenever you feel anything. And I mean ANYTHING! repress it. Push it deep deep down until you are alone and able to vent it without embarrassing yourself. May I suggest weeping uncontrollably into a pillow, or that old favourite, self harm?

Q. I’m a 29-year-old female whose once active social life has been slowly disappearing. Many of my friends are now married and some of them have at least one child. As they became coupled and got married our friendships changed. Their time suddenly seemed to be available only to their partners and to gatherings with other COUPLES. I am rarely invited to these and have felt unpopular, alone and forgotten. I hate the way I am feeling and the fact that I have no control over losing my friendships. What can I do?

A. This is obvious. Their spouses and significant others are in direct competition for your friend's eliminate them! Your local library should have plenty of crime books, both fiction and reference, so do your research first and don't repeat the mistakes you read about. As a friendly pointer to get you started; most females prefer poisoning, as they are far too girly and soft to use a masculine method like shooting/stabbing/beating with their own dismembered leg.

Q. I’m a girl who is really strong on rules when it comes to guys. When I was younger, I was more naive and didn’t understand men or realize the importance of playing “hard to get.” Then I read the book “The Rules,” which led me to change my views on how I should interact with the men I date. Essentially, it taught me to treat a guy I like the way I would treat a guy I don’t like- because the men that women aren’t interested in always seem to be very attracted to them and vice versa. Therefore, in order to win the guy you really want - you have to appeal to that competitive side of him that causes him to want what he can’t have. Some of the ways that I play it cool are to never call men that I meet and/or keep myself “busy”, so that I have little available time to go out.
When I follow these rules they work well for me. My problem is that I met this man at a function the other night during which I foolishly had too much to drink. He asked me back to his place and I went. We didn’t sleep together, but we did kiss quite a bit and talked until 9 in the morning, when he gave me a ride back to my place. Over the past two days we have been emailing each other and last evening he said repeatedly that he can’t stop thinking about me and can’t wait until he sees me again. He then asked me out for a drink this week-end. My “rules” usually prohibit me from going for a drink on a first date because I believe the man would take me out for dinner if he were really interested. I really like this guy but fear that his attraction to me will be less because I went to his house the other night. Should I tell him I am busy and cancel the date? I don’t want to appear too eager and ruin something that I think could be great.

A. I have two very important pieces of advice. Firstly burn that freaking book and any other self-help empowerment crap in your home...No! make that home-town. Secondly Quit whatever the hell you do now and become a dominatrix. Not only does this pay better (unless what you do now is Sir Alan Sugar's apprentice) but it will allow you to fulfill your freaky controlling power trip in a controlled environment ( Because remember kiddies, real life doesn't have safewords!) and treat this relationship as individual, like a normal person would, rather than following your stupid rules, that,since you're still single, obviously weren't working anyway!

Well with that I'm off to try get this damned space song out of my head.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Dear jimmy- Nothing to do with Sophie Ellis Bextor lyrics

Well now that that's clarified (thank you very much google!)I would just like to welcome anybody who found this thing through the Projectwonderful ads I took out (now that I've decided to stop being a cheap bum) aboard. Hope you enjoy it and will be sticking around. So grab a seat, get comfy and let's get to the letters, shall we?

I have been reading your column for over 5 years and it has helped me with my relationships tremendously. I have just married the love of my life this past month. We are both 28 years old from NY and this is both our first marriage.
We have been together for over four years. My problem that I am exteremly jealous of my husbands past. When he was in college he lived with his girlfrend for 3 years. They went on many vacations together, had pets, their familes were close etc. It feels to me that even though they weren't married, it was very close to it. Now that was are living together for the first time now I can see how close they were, and it is making me jealous. Every "first" we have doesn't feel special to me because he already had that with someone else.
Its tearing me up inside, its even affecting our sex life because whenever I want to be intimate with him I think of all they have done and I get turned off. I know he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. Please, I need some advice how to get over this!

Well that's great to hear, especially since I've only been doing this thing for a couple months. But let's not dwell on that. Or your terrible grammar. I mean: 'Now that was are living together for the first time now'? If this is such an important letter you'd think you'd proof read it first! Let us, instead, focus on your problem. Since it matters to you that you're the first and there's nobody before you to get jealous of, may I suggest you ditch the relationship you've nurtured over four years and instead rob the cradle get yourself an 12-year-old toyboy? That way everything you do would be a first. Simple when you think about it.

I need some advice, and definitely some perspective on a relationship problem. I am very much in love with a kind and wonderful man and am getting married next month. We are both 30.
About three weeks ago I borrowed his computer, and found that he had been looking at a significant number of pornographic websites. This is not a big deal for me, I know it is normal, and every past boyfriend I've had has admitted to looking at porn.
However, my fiance has told me any time this has come up in the past that he doesn't like porn, and that he finds it degrading to women and distorts mens' view of 'real sex.'
So of course I asked him about these sites and he flat out denied it -- and promptly deleted all his internet history and cookies. I tried to make it safe for him to tell me by assuring him I think it is normal, but he continued to angrily and vehemently deny he ever looks at it or likes it.
So I let it drop, and then this weekend I noticed him in our home office looking at pornographic sites on the computer. I checked his internet history (which is sneaky, I feel bad about doing it) and he had indeed been cruising various porn sites while I was just in the other room. I let a day go by and then asked him about it-- trying to be really gentle about it and non-accusatory- and he completely lied about it, and got very very angry at me for bringing it up again. I told him that I clearly know he was, and it is no big deal, but he will not admit it.
Please give me some perspective on this. I am really worried because we are getting married really soon. I completely trust him not to cheat on me or abuse me, but I am really hurt by his lying over this. What do you suggest I do to put my mind at ease? I don't think there is any way he will ever tell me the truth about this, and I really don't want it to come between us.
Thank you for your help!

Okay, guys 101:

1) Guys like porn.

2) Some guys are embarrassed by porn.

3) Some girlfriends should stay the hell outta some guys business.

Thus endth the lesson

How can you tell love is real?

Do you not have Facebook? That is where you shall find this very sought after knowledge. However if you do not forward the ancient viral posts that contain the wisdom that you seek then there is a high and terrible price to pay. these can include (but aren't limited to): never knowing true love for yourself, being killed by a dead girl's ghost coming up through your shower drain, dying in your sleep, being raped by a zombie, having your penis drop off.

i am falling in love with a women who is 17 years older then me lives 3 hours away and is my step mothers cousin and two years ago i slept with her daughter can this work? (sorry about my grammer)

It's okay, given your question I'm amazed you managed to form sentences at all. Although I do think it's adorable that you misspell 'grammar' in a sentence apologising for your grammar, but, Hell, I'm amazed you managed to arrange those funny little squiggles into words. Based on your letter this woman (or these women, it's a little ambiguous) are, what? 22?
That's based on the fact you've evidently got to be about 5...and/or a moron. Based on this I'll keep my answer simple for you...

hope that helps.

Okay with that we all got through another 'Dear jimmy', it's okay guys. it's over for another ten days. and for you new guys....yes. All the letters I stea---I get are this stupid.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me

Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.

Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.

Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.

Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.

Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.