Monday, 18 August 2008

Paging the love doctor

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.

A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*