Wednesday, 22 August 2012

22nd August 2012

The mail sure has been mounting up and I've not had chance to reply while I've been hard at work on my Olympic channel surfing training regime. Luckily Coach has allowed me 5 minutes to answer some letters.
...That doesn't mean I have a trainer. I'm on about the old Craig T.Nelson/Jerry Van Dyke sitcom. It's on an ad-break.

 Just to clarify, I hate tattoos, always have done, I think it's desecration of the body, not art. I have only ever seen one that I thought was ok, it was a musical scroll (I am a musical person) delicately etched on a girls foot. It didn't mean I liked them.
My daughter (a maddening free spirited wild child if ever there was one) loves them, thank the good sweet lord my son has more sense, but then he is a doctor. I told her if she ever got one I'd disown her. On her 26th she got the top of her ear pierced, disgusting, I hated it but she liked it. I thought it made her look like a tart and told her as much, but at least piercings can seal up. Though she still has it.
The for her 27th she got a tattoo or her buttock. She didn't tell me she was getting it until after it was done. It's a heart made out of musical symbols which she had done instead of an "I love mum" tattoo. She thought I may like this. I don't. Flowers say it much better in my mind.
She turns 29 in 2 weeks and today she came in sporting not one but two new tattoos and a new piercing. One tattoo is at the top of her back and the second is at the bottom. I was furious. I can't even use the "not under my roof" line with her as she has been living independent since 19. She now intends to get at least 2 more. A sword down her thigh for her father, my husband, as he loves claymores and the arabic for salam (peace) behind her ear. 
I have begged her not to get anymore, have asked her to think about what she will look like when she is 80. Her answer was "why are you worried about that? I won't be embarrassing you at that point will I?" I was furious!

Can she not see that they are tacky? Please someone tell me a tattoo horror story I can tell her to stop her from getting anymore!!

…Okay…I think I have one… You should tell her about this one woman who I heard about, who got a couple of tattoos and piercings and so her over controlling religious nut job mother wrote this long rambling letter about how they were ‘tacky’ and made her look like ‘a tart’ and it got posted on  the internet for all to see, even though the daughter was living independently as she hated the mother so much that she moved the fuck out the second she was able to. I think the thought of her mother turning into an overbearing bitch like that would scare the shit out of her
Ok so here goes.My fiancée has a stag night coming up and to tell the truth, I'm worried about it! I know what happens on stag nights and in worried that women and the stags will influence him. I'm insecure as it is, I'll be on edge all night! Any advice anyone please!!!!!

What you should do is set a few ground rules. For example it isn’t entirely unreasonable to request he be home for 10P.M.
Then on the night, be sure to either text or ring him every twenty minutes and thoroughly interrogate him about what exactly he is up to. I have no doubt that he will appreciate this gesture and be pleased to see how much you care about him.
In fact if you make it 8P.M. and ring every ten minutes, both he and all his fellow ‘stags’ will probably remember it as the best stag night ever and revere you as the world’s most awesome wife.


 Hi all. I'm just looking for some advice/input into this issue between me and my partner. We've been seeing each other for 2 years but still don't live together. There is no problem there. 
The problem for me is when it comes to Vacations. His job gives him a 70% discount on holidays with a certain travel company. Its a fantastic deal obviously. We went on an amazing holiday last year which cost us around 300 each with his discount, whereas if we had paid in full it would have cost us over a grand each. The issue is semicolon Because he is the one who gets this discount he thinks I should pay for the whole holiday for me and for him. So he brings the discount and I bring the money. I think this is unfair. He gets the discount just for doing his normal work. He doesn't have to work any extra in order to get it. If my job gave me a discount I would happily share it with him but it doesn't. 
Also, just to point out, I work longer hours than him and I take home less money. So am I being unreasonable in asking him to pay his half of the holiday and I pay mine. I'm willing to pay for maybe 60% just as a thank you for leaving me in on the discount but I'm not willing to pay for the whole thing. Any input is appreciated. Thanks

Screw him. Tell him if that’s the way he wants to play it then he can fuck off on holiday on his own. Having the 70% he’s saved to spend on extra alcohol and being surrounded by drunken bikini clad women aged 18 to 30, with no partner (who as it turns out is a total nag) around ought to teach him the error of his ways.


Im a 20 year old girl and me and my partner are having troubles, our sex life is getting worse because of something that happened to me a year ago, she is very surportive but i can tell its taking its toll. She has mood swings to the point where one minute were fine and the next she isnt talking to me. I tell her we need to comunicate more but whenever i ask her whats wrong i get the same reply "im fine" or "nothing" i just want us to talk and sort things out but she wont... is there anyone who can help?

It’s letters like this that make me thankful for lesbians (…Well letters like this and porn, but I digress!) You see, this is exactly the kind of shit we blokes have to put up with women all the time.
You know how women say men can never experience the pain of childbirth? Well they can’t experience the pain of trying to talk reason to a big ol’ bag of crazy hormones, so that’s life’s way of evening the balance.
As for advice, all I can really offer is, if you can’t handle this either learn to deral with it...It doesn't get better over time. Trust me. Or dump her ass and try dating something with a penis.


 Hi guys, ok...

My fiancées mum is a total bi**h!
We have never got on. I've been with my fella now for 5 years and she still won't accept me. We even he a son together who is 2, oh by the way shes seen our son maybe 6 times? Because he isn't exactly like her son she won't accept him. 
Anyway, I've only just got engaged after 5 years and I think this may be down to her. He is a mummy's boy but doesn't see her that often anymore. When we marry I DO NOT want her at our wedding at all. 
What do I do? He won't accept that she has done anything wrong. Even after calling me all the names under the sun and not bothering at all about her so called grandson. I've tried talking to him about it but all he says is "it's my mum, she's brought me up all my life".... SO WHAT?! She is not a mum and from what he has told me, she has always chosen her ex husbands (ye that's right, all 3 ex husbands) over her own children.... Help what do I do now?!

I suggest that you both invite your mother-in-law and her 3 ex’s to move in with you and all live together under one roof before the wedding. I don’t think that this will help your situation, I just want to film the results and sell it as a new 70’s style sitcom called ‘Groom To Let’. Also if you have a garage conversion that Henry Winkler could live in as the best man who's own marriage is on the rocks, even better!


Is it ok when you are married to make friends with somone at work you fancy and exchange phone numbers with a view to meeting up ocassionaly either with or witout your partner if you have no itention of ever being intimate with them (sex or snogging) or is it best not to.

No! This is a disgrace! The only time it is okay for married people to make friends with people they fancy at work is if it is leading to sex. Now stop slacking and get that guy slept with!


After having sex without a condom when a time comes when i need to use one it is painful, any way to ease the pain?

Hell if I know! My partners are usually too doped up on roofies to feel anything.


Hi I'm 21 and so is my partner we've been on and off for the best part of 6 Years. He tells me he doesn't want to committ to anything so at the minuite were just "friends with benefits" untill there comes a time where something can happen between us. I'm stupid to even do this but I love him. Recently he met someone else and just said it was a fling. And it meant nothing and it was over. But I caught him out that they were still talking via twitter. He lies about where he's going because the next day someone will tell me they bump into him. I don't understand why he lies to me. If I confront him he gets all defendant and tells me it's his life and he doesnt have to tell me anything.. I'm at my whitts end because I want to be in a relationship with him and he says the same but makes it very difficult please help ??

The reason he lies to you so often is because you’re a naive gullible idiot who believes him every time, and too spineless to stand up for yourself when you do learn the truth.
But don’t worry. If you tough it out I’m sure he will one day realise just how much he cares for you and declare his undying love and honesty.
…Do I bollocks! That’s just me trying to prove my point about how fucking gullible you are.


About six months ago this fit young guy moved in on a break from his wife. I could see my wife's eye's light up when she saw him working out in the garden, and she didn't hesitate to ask him round for drinks. I'm just being a good neighbour, she explained to me with a twinkle in her eye. He often joined us for social events, and she even introduced him to my mum, who wasn't immune to his charms either. Gorgeous was how she described him Ienvitably, my wife has now begun having an affair with the neighbour. She claims he was just too hard to resist, and that it's just a passing fancy, as he eventually intends to go back to his wife. Even my mother says she understands, if not approves, of her actions, and I will just have to put up with it until the affair has run its course. Trouble is, I'm, not even sure it ever will, and how can I ever compete with the memory of this ab fab guy? Help!

You can’t. So my advice to you:
This may work out pretty well for you since from the sounds of your letter you carry quite the torch for this guy as well.


I've been with my gf around 4 months now and we have a pretty active sex life, we both go in for the hardcore stuff and she's always pretty loud when we're f*cking to the extent I'll hit her face (don't worry, she likes me doing it) and tell her to shut up.

Well the other night we were at it for the second time that evening and it was a lot rougher than the previous session. Her face was half buried in the pillows and she was doing her usual of moaning/screaming with a lot of swearing (I love it really!! Lets me know she's enjoying it) but what I thought I heard next made me asks her what she'd said. I thought she'd said "I love you". I stopped for a moment and asked what she'd said and she turned round confused saying "eh? I said "oh f*ck", what did you think I'd said?" I brushed past this and said it didn't matter and we continued. But I still had it in my head that she'd said that...I'm really not ready for that yet, I think I maybe do love her but am just not ready to say it, I'd feel kind of weird and vulnerable you know?
Anyway, when we'd finished she turned and asked me what I thought she'd said and I muttered that I thought she'd said "oh dear" (couldn't think what else to say) and she gave me a funny look and said "yeah, that's soo what I'd be saying" then she got up and went to the loo.
so I now think she's figured out what I thought she'd said and now we're both a bit embarrassed. I don't think either of us are really ready to say that or have this talk even if we do feel those feelings. We're just not those sort of people. 
I now don't know what to do/say to get passed this or if I should just ignore it and hope she does the same?

Oh, Mr Grey, what crazy misadventures have you gotten into this time? Don’t you see that the real reason that An wants to explore your world, and your ridiculously named ‘Red Room Of Pain’ is because she wants to explore your poor damaged soul and repair that broken heart fo yours.
She wants to show you that under all that aggression you’re a sweet delicate flower who IS capable of love. Just like that nice young Edward Cullen fellow.
Of course this is total bullshit. You’ll never change since you’re a fetish freak with mummy issues. So just admit you’re incompatible and end things now, rather than wasting 500 pages on this shit.

...Oh God! A 50 Shades reference AND a Twilight reference in the same reply...I feel so dirty! That's it. I'm off to wash away the shame. Don't wait up. This is gonna take a lot of bleach!

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