Saturday, 28 July 2012

28th July 2012

Man, it's Olympic season! Are you all hyped?! Yeah, me neither. Screw that noise. So let's wait for the starter's pistol and just dive into the mailbag to see what everybody wants to discus this time around.

A few years ago I had a dream about having sex with a women, and after thinking about it I found the idea a real turn on and have since regularly masturbated using this fantasy, last year I had a look a lesbian porn and enjoyed it. Having had some time to think all this through I am wondering what the next step should be? I am single and really am not interested in dating but would like to meet a women with who I could have a sexual experience with.

This doesn’t mean you are necessarily a lesbian, as much as exploring that side of your sexuality. To be certain what I suggest you do is pick up the hottest woman you can in your nearest lesbian bar for a night of dirty kinky sex, and film it.
If you then send the videos here to the Dear Jimmy offices I will go over them looking for signs of arousal or disgust. This will probably involve watching them numerous times, possibly joined by a crack team of experts…But only if they pay the admission charges.

My girlfriend got a tattoo even though she said that she hated them. Then she told me it was a temporary one and lied three times. I am being cruel to her by saying I hate it?

Fuck yeah you are, ya selfish prick! What do you think you're doing having your own views? You’re meant to be her boyfriend now, you're not entitled to your own opinions, Asshole.



I have been dating a girl (who i really like) for the last 3 months, but i have no idea where i stand with her. Obviously she still wants to date me or she wouldn't, but other than that i don't know.

We have met many times and it seems to be going great, but since one month ago, she has gone on vacation until mid august, and we only skype once a week, and SMS and email etc. She is russian and has gone there, but has lived in my country for a long time. She does many strange things, that maybe mean something, or maybe its just a part of russian culture, but they cause me not to trust her, or that she is in some way deceiving me, and i suspect she is seeing other guys as well as me. (i have had these suspicions since the beginning, not just since she went away) I just feel like i am a back up option or a second choice behind some other guy.

The point is, i want to ask her where i stand, if there are other guys etc, but i have no idea how to without offending her or being too serious, she is the most relaxed, care free and happy person i have ever met, therefore i find it very hard to have a serious conversation with her (which we have done, but not about this), so i guess i need to do it slowly, but if anyone has suggestions about what i can say/how i can start etc, i would be really greatful, thanks for reading :)

I suggest you tie that bitch to a chair and water board her until she tells you where you stand with her. It’s the only way to guarantee an honest answer. And if you can arrange to hold a few of her loved ones at gun point/tied to the nearest railway track when you ask, so much the better.
Most healthy relationships can only survive on a mixture of honesty, blackmail and brutal torture.

I have a very close male friend whose company I enjoy a great deal. He's single & sees women from time to time & I feel absolutely no jealousy about these relationships whatsoever, which is why i'm confused as to why I don't like to go a day without speaking with him, if only by text, & find myself thinking about him a lot these days, & have even recently been aroused during our hugs, as he hugs long & hard & he also inhales deeply while doing so (?). I often end the hugs, as they would go on forever if I didn't. Maybe i'm just scared of what could possibly happen if I didn't end them? I don't know?!! I hold him so dear as a friend that the thought of losing his friendship makes me decide to never pursue my feelings, but it just seems to get stronger the more I try to hold back. He too values our friendship, as we talk openly & honestly with each other about every other aspect of our lives, apart from how we feel about each other. The thought of ruining our friendship & the bond we have makes me feel awful, but i'm struggling to not be totally honest with him. What the help do I do?

It sounds to me like you have a lot of conflicting feelings. Your best bet is to keep things simple and not rush into anything. Therefore I suggest you become friends with benefits. That way everybody is happy. You get to be more than friends and he gets sex. If you’re meant to be more than that it will happen from there, because as most women know, the way to a man’s heart is via his penis.

Basically, I went for a sleepover to my friend's house. We went to a park, and she said I could go on her phone while she went on the monkey bars, so I did. I only have a Nokia and basically nobody's number, and she has a Blackberry with everyone's number, so it was awesome for me. However, in the middle of the night, some sad person was desperate enough to sneak onto her phone and send seven messages (they cost her money) and photograph the cupboard I was sleeping next to. She woke up and found it next to me, and took it into her bed. In the morning, she was really angry with me for "going on her phone and pretending to be her via text". I didn't do it, and I know it was one of the two other girls there. However, she thinks it was me because I went on her phone earlier that day. She completely trusts the other two girls, and won't even speak to me. I tried to ask more about what was sent, to work out who it was, but she replied "Shut up" to every question. Soon she was screaming "SHUT UP" at me and now absolutely hates me. I don't know how to make her see that I would NEVER do that to her. The other two girls keep telling me to forget about it, but I can't. They both swore that it wasn't them, and even though I did as well, nobody took that seriously. I know it's illegal to pretend to be someone else and I don't want my friend to think I'd do that to her, but she tells me to shut up every time I try to explain things from my point of view. Please help. What should I do?

Shut up! That’s what.

Me and my best mate had an argument. It's not the first and the everytime I seem to be apologising even when I'm not in the wrong. This time he is clearly in the wrong and I refuse to be the first one to apologise. But sayin that, I don't want our friendship to end.

That’s nice. Ya stubborn bastard.
…And I’m not even bein’ sarcasm. Stubbornness is a good quality, it will help you go far in life. So fuck those losers, this is good practice for all the deadweight you’ll have to shed, and the ‘friends’ you’ll have to stab in the back as you raise to the top oif your chosen career. Which will probably be banker, talent agent or internet advice columnist.

I have been seeing his guy from Uni for a while now. However it has been quite secretive as he had a ONS with one of my friends before I met him which I didn't know about until I'd been seeing him for a bit. 

Also my other friend has decided she dosnt like him, for no good reason.

Neither of them know about us but we are getting serious and won't be able to hide it much longer. 
Is it unreasonable for me to be with him? I really don't want to cause drama in the group and don't want to fall out with my friends over this

There’s an obvious solution here: Have the three of them fight to the death in gladiatorial combat, preferably in a wall-less ring of fire suspended above spikes. Weapons are optional, and this kind of decision is more of a comfort thing, so I’ll leave it up to you.
However whoever wins is clearly a self serving asshole who only cares about their own needs, and as such you should drop their ass ad hang out with the runner up.
…Yep, this plan is both awesome and flawless.


I was in a really abusive relationship which I left 2years ago. He completely distroyed my confidence and it's taken a long time to build myself back up and recover emotionally and financialy. The thing is although I feel desperately lonely and long to be in a relationship, whenever anyone comes along I panic and have an actual gripping fear of being with them and bolt. I have built such a wall around my heart I don't know how to break it down I use any excuse I can find not to be with them I can't seem to break this cycle and i'm scared i'll end up alone. I really don't know what to do.

Since you’re inevitably going to end up alone as a crazy cat lady who’s house smells of stale urine, I suggest you get ahead of the game and stock up on kitty treats and cat litter now.

I have been married for 20 years . I love my husband very much but we have had a non existant sex life for many years . whenever I spoke about it he would just say he was not a highly sexed individual and we didnt need it. However the other night I found him masterbating over an online porn site. I feel so betrayed, i donot know what to do

In your husband’s defence the urge to masturbate does not equate to the urge to have sex. One requires much more physical effort than the other.
In my experience during sex you have support to both cheerleaders with your legs and still manage to orally pleasure the dominatrix…And that’s before you even get started on the cocaine!
Meanwhile masturbation only requires the use of two muscles: The wrist and that’s all we have time for this column!

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