Monday, 29 October 2012

29th October 2012

Well, despite screwing up Halloween this year I’m at least managing to update fairly regularly. Which means that once a month I get a free pass to be bitter, snide and rude to anybody I like. Hey! You know who that reminds me of? Women:

My wife found the diary I keep charting her monthly cycle so I could tell when her moods would change – and all hell broke loose!
She is 34 and suffers from a severe form of PMS. I’m 40 and I’m not sure how much more I can take. She has just left and taken her youngest children to her mother’s, leaving me and our oldest here. Both the children were sobbing. She yelled at me: “What kind of f***ing man are you? Grow a pair of b***s.” My life is a living hell.
She keeps accusing me of cheating when she gets this way. I either get the silent treatment or a petty row erupts into a massive argument. I’m either at home or at work – I’d never cheat on her. Why can’t she see that her hormones are turning her into a monster once a month.

---Wow. Okay. I want to call you a dumbass for letting her find the diary, but the idea to find the diary itself was pretty shrewd. I guess you average out as being of normal intelligence.
The diary is a step most men would never have thought of on their own. So thank you for passing that on, along with the importance of why such a document should always be well hidden.
Rest assured that your sacrifice isn’t in vain, and you have helped millions of men who have to face their own she devils on a monthly basis. To honour your sacrifice, when your horribly mutilated remains are inevitably found, I will do everything I can to make sure you are sainted and buried on consecrated ground. I hope this gives you some comfort as you stare down your own mortality.


I work in a big team and my Manager is a very dominant girl of about 33 ( I am 24 ). She is attractive and I keep having very kinky fantasies about her. Mostly I do good work but once or twice she has told me off and I sort of re-run these events in my mind but with her spanking me as a punishment. I have not had these fantasies before. Is it okay? Are they normal?

Dude, if you find yourself attracted to the thought of a dominant woman, then don’t worry. Have you even LOOKED at the internet lately? There are millions of sites that cater to this fetish. It’s a fairly normal one.
You only really need to worry if you find yourself developing Klismaphilia, Vorarephilia, Hybristophilia, Inflatophilia, Burusera, Robot fetishism and/or Plushophilia.
…Go ahead. Google them. You’ll thank me later!


My neighbour who I like very much ( as my best friend ) asked me this question lately : who's your best friend. It was him but I couldn't tell him because he told me about HIS best friend who actually wasn't me. so I couldn't just tell him. I told him I didn't know but it was a huge lie. I can't tell him because it will be humiliating and I plan on telling my other neighbour sarah. I can't do a thing because he does not like me as much as I do. So what do I do?

Tough it out, after you turn 13 all this ‘best friend’ crap falls by the way side. And by the time you turn 20 you’ll hate everybody equally and see people in terms of what they can offer you to meet your own goals, rather than this ‘friendship’ crap.


I have spent more than five grand watching girls performing on webcam and I think I have a serious porn addiction.
I’m 25 and see porn as a ‘must do’ activity rather than something I do for pleasure. It’s making me depressed.
My sex life has taken a nose-dive. I either can’t get an errection or I climax too quickly. I’m so embarrassed by it.

I believe you may be right, about this being a serious addiction. Five grand is a lot of money. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? There’re plenty of free porn sites out there, most of which update daily. Send me your contact details and I’ll send you a list of the best ones. They have cater for everything, including Klismaphilia, Vorarephilia, Hybristophilia, Inflatophilia, Burusera---


I recently met someone online. We hit it off straight away and met. Stupidly on our 4th date we slept together. That was wednesday (3rd oct). We agreed to meet the following sunday (7th oct). The thursday he was gine. Then he was apparently ill on the friday so I left him to it. I hear nothing from him all day. I message him on the saturday and finally got through at about 1. He still claimed he wanted to meet and would text me details. I finished work at 10 amd still nothing. So I send him a text for a quick call to plan. He tgen says he's too stressed to meet on sunday. But he said we will meet in the week... Yet I have heard nothing all day. I have only sent one text saying morning, hope he'ss feeling a little better and I miss him. Nothing.
Can you give me advice on what to do. I'm desperate as I really like this guy ans worried he was using me...

You probably should have given him a blowjob instead of wasting all that time with ‘Foreplay’ crap.


I am writing about a friend of mine, as he has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle and im trying to help
I got together this guy 18 months ago and we really get on well,( we plan to live together after xmas) im a single mum of 3 and he has been BRILLIANT, i want to point out that he is bi-polar, but deals with it remarkably.
prior to my meeting him, he was a lad about town, and quite often ended up in trouble with the police, 20 years ago it was quite serious he ended up in prison a couple times, but he has straightened himself out in the last 5, 
in 2010 he hit on hard times and had to claim benefits, as he just couldnt manage, we werent together at this time, he was going to come off benefits in 2011 but his home was burgled and he really found it difficult to cope, he therefore carried on claiming housing benefit, to help with his rent, he told the council that he was earning only £120.00 per week as a driver,although he was getting somewhere between £180.00 and £220.00, this was before he had to take out his expenses such as fuel running costs of vehicle etc, he was renting a trading name from someone who took a percentage of his incomings, in cash! 
Things started to change for him this year and in August he contacted his council and notified them that as of september he wouldnt be claiming any further benefits, and on the 1st September he went into the housing benefit office and cancelled his claim in writing.
In August, he had a bit of an email arguement with someone, and they contacted the police stating he was harassing them, unfortunately he was arrested in september, and the police took away his laptop, even though he admitted to sending this guy 7 emails, the police put him on bail and told him to return in 6 weeks, he is now in a proper state because he is worried that the police will see his invoices on the laptop and get the council involved, even though he has already cancelled his claim, he never expected this to happen 
I am deeply worried about him now, he isnt sleeping properly or eating, he thinks he is going to end up in prison, as this seems to be the norm of anyone convicted of benefit fraud, I just dont know what to do or say to help him, I tried to convince him that has he cancelled his claim before any of this happened, it will be ok, be he wont accept it, i really need help please

I suggest you use the remaining time you have together wisely, by which I mean get the blueprints of the local prison tattooed onto his body, and have him marry Holly Valance for some convoluted reason. You may also want to buy him a few books on Origami. Don’t worry you should have plenty of money for that kind of thing thanks to your ill gotten cash flow.
Oh! And I can't believe this even needs a special mention but apparently it does, but if he runs into a guy named 'T-Bag' while he's in prison, he should stay the hell away.


My best friends ex fancies me and her ex and i are good friends but i don't feel the same way back. How can i avoid an awkward situation without losing any friends.



My girlfriend will only have sex when we've both been drinking & it's causing problems between us. There have been a few times when I haven't been able to get hard which I put down to booze. When we woke up the next morning I was ready to go (so to speak) & she said she wasn't in the mood. Whenever we've speant the night together sober she makes it clear if I'm staying over we can only cuddle then sleep. When we talked later she said she needs to be drunk to fancy sex. I said we should compromise but she says she won't like it sober. Any advice is welcome.
(A few side notes if they make a difference. I'm 25 she's 31. She has only been with one other guy who died 6 years ago & they were together 5 years. She has slight issues with her weight, she's only 5 feet tall &
size 16 . Whenever I say she looks great, she says stop chatting $hite.)

Maybe she just has a very specific sex drive and doesn’t realise it, and alcohol is the only way to bypass these needs.
Her ‘Stop talking $hite’ comment was her unconcsiously trying to let you know she's into she’s into fecalphilia, but you should look into the possibility that she is into Klismaphilia, Vorarephilia, Hybristophilia, Inflatophilia…


My girlfriend of over a year wants to become an escort because she says its purely non sexual, but yet the website she plans to enlist herself on is full of other naked escorts, but why naked if sex isnt involved? Also there are rates for "overnight".. what is the best way to handle the situation?

Don’t expect more than a 25/75 split. After all she will be doing all of the work, and all that sex can get tiring.


Well I've had a lapse in judgement recently, and sent a guy friend some explicit pictures. Since then i haven't heard back from him and hes ignoring me on social networking sites (ie deleting me on fb). I did trust him as we have many mutual friends and even went to the same school. I realize there's a high chance he may show the pictures to other people now too and that he wont be contacting me anytime soon. I just wondered what the best thing to do now is? do i just sit tight and not let it bother me or should i try to ring him? etc?

Hmmmm, well I can’t advise you on this one without all the information, so please re-send your letter with the pictures attached. I can then let you know if you should just let him sell them to whichever porn sites would have them, or if he’d be doing the world a service by destroying them.


One of my closest friends has invited me to come on holiday with her and her family during October Week. Two years ago I went away with her family and had a great time and last year she cam away with mine and again we had a great time.
However, I don't really want to go.
Last year, I was given a lot of homework and so had to fit it into the Saturday and Sunday after I got home but before I went back to school. So I ended up having two completely stressful days where the whole day was just filled with doing homework and I kind of wanted to avoid that. 
Also, I had kind of planned to take it easy this holiday. Spread my homework out over the week and use the rest of the time to de-stress and perhaps go out a couple of times with friends. 
However, I feel terrible. 
I know she really wants me to go but I honestly just don't feel like it.
What do I say?

Your best course of action is to fake your death. Or tell your friend exactly what you just said…But personally I think the faking death thing is the way to go. I know a guy that knows a guy that can get you a great discount on an unclaimed John Doe. He’s helped out after many a one-night stand.


I'm in love with this guy but we live on opposite sides of the world and I don't see how it's going to work. He hasn't called me since I went on holiday and saw him and we don't really know eachother that well, but I don't want to let go. Should I?

I hate to break this to you, sweetheart, but you’re not in love. This was a fling and now you’re in love with an over romantic fantasy that can never live up to the reality. It’s an idealisation that the reality can never live up to, just like my ‘love’ for Zooey Deschannel.
…Oh God, Zooey. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean that. I can change. Don’t leave me! Why don’t you reply to my letters? You don’t have to use your own blood too, you can just use a normal pen.
Why did you start drawing your blinds? You've found somebody else haven't you? WHO IS HE?!

---Okay, I should probably call it a day there, as my ankle monitor is giving me mild electric shocks again.

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