Tuesday, 14 February 2012

21 Signs That You're In Wuv

So you’ve met someone new, and you’ve fallen head over hook, line and sinker for them. You can’t finish “hello” before ripping their clothes off.
Yep. Remember kiddies: Sex = Love. Always!
Your cheeks are so pink they’re visible from space.
That actually just means you’re kinky and into spanking. Because kinky sex = True love. Always!

It must be love! Or is it?
Because who knows your own feelings better than yourself? That’s right, some random stranger off the internet.
If you recognise more than a few of these signs, chances are it’s the real thing – and you may just be in it for the long haul.

1. You chuck out your old relationship souvenirs

For years, you hoarded ticket stubs from concerts and days out with your ex.
Not to mention all those lock of hair and jars of their breath.
Then you fall in love, and suddenly all these souvenirs are just tat that’s cluttering up your space. So, if nothing else, falling in love makes you more tidy.

2. Your ex announces their engagement, and you don’t care
So you’re either in love, or moved on and are healthy and well adjusted, since it’s your freakin’ ex.

What’s more, you fail to understand what you ever saw in them. And as for sleeping with them... what were you thinking?
You’re definitely in love… Unless of course your ex was so bad at sex that they turned you gay.

3. You’re no longer shy around your former crush
N.B: This can also be caused by your hitting puberty.

You used to be a quivering wreck when your office’s payroll assistant entered the room. These days, you barely notice them.
Although the disciplinary for sexual harassment and seminar on creating a hostile workplace may have potentially been a factor in this one, too.

When you’re in love, your partner becomes infinitely more attractive than any other person on the planet. Yes, even Cheryl Cole.
Whoa, whoa whoa! I’m calling bullshit on that, right now! Nobody is more attractive than Cheryl Cole!

4. You aren’t put off by physical imperfections
‘Look past physical imperfections’? So what? We’re taking relationship advice from ‘Raggy Dolls’ now?

Lust is far more fragile than love. Here’s an example. If your lust-object arrives for a date with a big green crusty lump sticking out of their nose, your attraction will disappear in an instant.
To be fair, it doesn’t say a lot about how strongly she feels about me if she doesn’t even have the common human decency to show up booger free. My hypothetical love here is kinda a bitch.

But if you’re falling in love, you won’t be put off. You’ll feel protective.
If this woman hasn’t mastered basic personal hygiene she needs protecting from the whole freakin’ world. If I turn my back for a second she’ll probably be getting in some stranger’s windowless van to go see the puppy he told her was in there.
You’ll rub your nose and hope that they mirror you… and hey presto, problem solved. Ain’t love grand?
And what does it mean if I remove said repulsive booger forcibly with a pair of tweezers and my Car Vac? Will that make us soul mates?

5. You show them where you grew up

It may seem an odd choice of weekend adventure, but love means wanting to show them where you’re from.
Really? Because my mother finds nothing more annoying than when I keep asking her to show my dates her vagina.
“That’s my old school, that’s where I had my paper round, that’s where I puked up my dad’s home-brew…”
“And behind that bike shed is where I had my first sexual experience, with Walt the school caretaker in exchange for some pokemon cards. I was the only one in the entire school that had the first edition holofoil Charazard. It was awesome!”

6.  You tell them your plans – big and small

Whether it’s babbling about your world-travel dreams or asking them to help make the shopping list,
So should your significant other ask you if you need milk, if they don’t propose by the end of the same week you should dump their ass for toying with your emotions like that. Heartless bastard!
you include your lover in your plans because they’re part of your life.
And also because having a wheelman on the caper could never hurt.

7. You wonder where “we” should go on holiday
Sorry Match.com article, but I really think if I go on holiday it should be with the woman I love…Or at the very least an actual human being rather than an abstract article that only exists digitally. I hope you understand….It’s not you. It’s me.

Even if it means compromising your idea of the perfect holiday or putting up with their mum’s brussels sprouts.

8. You’re thrilled by a joint invite to a family wedding

Partly because you’re happy that family and friends treat you two as a unit. And partly because you want your wingman beside you when the boredom sets in at 10pm in the church hall.
But mainly because you’re a spineless worm who feels the need to forego any sort of unique identity now that you’re in a relationship.

9. You show them off

When you’re falling for someone, you want to include them in your social life and show them off to your friends.
Which has the advantage of saying both ‘I love you’ and ‘In your face, dateless wonders. Look what I’m bangin’!’

10. You’re happy doing nothing together
Is this the same thing as when we have sex and she just lies there still and motionless asking if I’m nearly done yet? Finally! One I can relate to!

Ultimately it’s not about being a couple on a social stage, but just about being two people together. Just going for a walk together sounds like the perfect afternoon.
Screw that noise! Try and drag me on a crappy nature walk and your ass is dumped quicker than Emeron stock.

11. You join their photography class

You want to know what make your lover tick – and you want them to see that you’re showing an interest.
And also due to the whole lack of individual identity thing I mentioned before, you lose all ability to function if they spend so much as an hour away from your pathetic needy ass!

12. You ring them to moan about work

When they’re the first person you want to talk to about what a class-A berk the boss is today,
Whoa! Watch the potty mouth there sport!
it’s because you think they’re a keeper. (Your lover, not the boss.)
Personally I tend to find left-backs more attractive.

13. You take their kids out for lunch

If your other half has children from a previous partner, your relationship with the kids is a barometer of your future as a couple.
And if they don’t maybe you should try hanging around school gates and asking strange kids if they’d like to join you for a McDonalds, instead. If the authorities ask why, just explain it's because you want to have sex.
And if you’re in love, you’ll try your hardest to get along with them. Try not to let it stress you out. If you and the kids can be relaxed in each other’s company, you’re onto a long-term winner.
Plus, if they have a daughter who’s legal, you could try to play your cards right and live the dream ofthe sportsman’s double’.

14. You aren’t afraid to argue
Because arguments are the only way to get sweet, sweet make up sex.

Couples don’t agree all the time. If you’re in lust, you don’t care about standing up for yourself – it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
And yet if this article is to be believed it’s when you’re in love that you lose all individual thought.

But when you’re in love, you want to put your point across.
I’ve got a point I’d like to put across to her, alright. It’s in my pants.
Speaking up shows that you’re secure enough to question what your lover says or does.

15. You feel terrible when you argue

You wouldn’t be half as upset about a row with anyone else. Here’s why…
Because you have decided between yourselves that all arguments should be settled by gladiatorial combat.

       16. You care more about their happiness than your own                                                                                        
You feel bad when your other half isn’t happy, so arguments are a double whammy of emotional trauma.
As opposed to the super fun happy thing that arguments with anybody else is.
On the bright side, it shows that you’re really in love. You’re no longer looking after number one all the time. Instead, you want your partner to be OK.

17. You don’t mind saving if you're usually a spend-thrift

Our money habits are deeply entrenched, but love motivates you to make an exception.
And by ‘love’ I assume you mean her constant God damned nagging!
For example, if you’ve spent your adult life being unwilling to save up for anything dearer than a haircut, love could suddenly make you want to save a deposit on a flat.

18. 17.5 You don’t mind splashing out if you're usually frugal
You can talk about being cheap. You just made the same point twice, asshole! I’m counting this as 17.5

If you’re suddenly willing to splash out on a luxury holiday together, it shows how important they are to you.
Because love can only be truly measured in the monetary value of presents given.
But it’s not about changing the real you. If you’re usually more comfortable being a saver, love won’t change that. It just means you’re less rigid about it. Which brings us to…

18. You change your spending habits?
19. You spend money in a different way?
20. The way in which you spend money is different?

19.  21. You risk being yourself
instead of pretending to be your own mentally challenged identical twin brother named ‘Bernard’ who was given up at birth, and only found his true family after his adoptive one was killed in a tragic plane accident over Paris.

Of all the love-signs on this list, this is the big cheese.
When you’re infatuated or in lust with someone, you edit yourself to fit what you think they want. You might dress to suit them,
And also because modern society has all kinds of public nudity laws.
or hide the fact that you don’t have much in common with their friends. But when you’re in love with someone, you want your other half to know and like the person you really are.
Because it’s getting really hard to keep the continuity of Bernard’s back story consistent. Did you tell her it was The Persistence of Memory? Or The Mona Lisa?

It’s a risk, of course. Certain incompatibilities may come to the fore. But you know that you can’t be happy for long if you’re faking it. This isn’t an excuse to be stubborn or tactless.
Yeah! ‘Cause I totally need an excuse!
“Being yourself” does not mean sticking rigidly to habits, or telling your lover that their CD collection is crap.
Hey, it's called tough love baby cakes!
A bit of flexibility works wonders.
…Wait! I thought we weren’t talking about sex.

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