17th November 2011

Okay close the porn you're watching in the other tab and pay attention. Your favourite lifestyle guru is here again to set you and your fucked up problems straight.

What do you do when after everything that you do or say you sit at home and wonder if you should have said or done it like that? I wonder if I have offended anyone, or if they don't like me or I didn't make them feel welcome. I'm sick of feeling it, yet I can't change it.

I quite honestly don’t know. I mean have you read this fucking site? Do you seriously think that offending somebody is a concern for me? I guess if I were a whiny sentimental pussy like you then I’d respond to anybody who told me I had offended them with a swift roundhouse kick to the head…Does that help?

Hi,

I am in a very loving relationship with my Girlfriend and we hope to get married.

However, I have the strongest urges to have sex with a man with me being the feminine partner. There is nothing that turns me on more than the tought of being dressed in sexy clothing and having a man inside me. It is something I want to try although I do not want to enter into a Gay relationship I do want to try, safe, casual gay sex.

I have never been unfaithful to my partner, but urges to try this are so strong I feel I now have to try it. I have been fighting these temptations for many years and no longer feel I can fight them any longer.

Would it be wrong for me to try and how would I set about finding a partner to do the deed.

There’s an obvious solution here…Threesome.

Even better, propose it on your girlfriends birthday, and she’ll think it’s a special treat for her, and will probably return the favour on your birthday by doing whatever you want.

Including dressing up as a lumberjack, fake beard and all, and sodomising you with a strap on dildo as you dress up as a French maid. If that doesn’t say romance, I don’t know what does!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time now and we lost our virginities to each other months ago. He seems to enjoy the sex but it's all over too fast. 10 minutes too fast to be exact. We are both inexperienced but I have no idea how to tell him. A part of me doesn't want to because we haven't had any big problems in our relationship and I don't want this to be the start of any. I'm just tired of being unsatisfied when it comes to intercourse.

Oh, but you’ll happily talk to a stranger over the internet about it?! Fine! If you’re too much of a back-stabbing bitch to talk to him directly about it like an emotionally healthy couple then all I can suggest is that you have a stopwatch by the bed and use it whenever you have sex. Even better if you look at it and tut when he’s finished. Trust me, it won’t be too long before he gets the hint.

How do I develop my own intuition?

You're going to have to go on a vision quest in Tibet, and train under Ra's Al Ghoul who will teach you techniques few men have mastered. Techniques you can take home with you to wage a war on crime in an ultimately futile attempt to avenge your parents that will never quite fill the void their death left. Then some weird shit will happen with a guy in a scarecrow mask who causes a riot and finally Ra's Al ghoul will end up being a criminal and you'll have to fight him in the flaming remains of your house…But I bet you knew I was gonna say that, right?

I have started seeing a man and having sex again after a long time. This man told me he has fancied me for ages, how long exactly I have not asked him! I plucked up courage and gave him my phone number after he had been hanging around at work chatting to me!

I am however worried as another woman who is married is always following him around flirting ect, and even insinuated to me that there could be something going on between them when I told her I fancied him!. He says she is a bit of a pain but fun and a laugh and they have known each other for quite a while, she has his phone number although this is for work purposes aswell.

I don't think he realises that she is making insinuations about her and him and if I say anything to her she laughs and says she is only joking, but he says she follows him everywhere and he seems to be scared of upsetting her. She is the typical big Bubbly Blonde and acts really like a slutty sort of girl who wants attention and acts ok with me in fact we have a laugh but I don't know what this is all about with him and her! He always tells me about her latest exploits as she is very OTT but he seems to be amused by her. Have I anything to worry about?

Sure…Anthrax in the mail. Identity fraud. The global economic recession. Unemployment being at an all time high. Your home being repossed at the drop of a hat. Skyrocketing interest rates. Crime on the increase. 2 metre jellyfish sent here to destroy us all. M Knight Shazam still making movies…

Oh, you mean between those two? Then I guess that didn’t help much. Oh well, sweet dreams everyone!