Look Who's Come Crawling Back...!

Okay, I've decided that it's time to cowboy up and get around the technical issues that are plaguing the new site. So I'll be using this again as a temporary measure until I get the re-launch organised. Meanwhile you can keep up to date by following me on both Twitter and Facebook.
But not MySpace. Never MySpace! I know it's been over a year, but there is new material on the way. Starting with an upcoming review this Halloween...

So be sure to spread the word. 'cause Dear Jimmy's back!

Jimmy World News #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Jimmy World News. A special, semi-regular feature where I turn my trademark cynicism to the world of news and current affairs.

Britney mimes for live performances?

The BIG news at the moment, screw the recession that could destroy the world economy as you so much as breath on it too heavily is that Britney Spears is the centre of controversy surrounding her return for her exile from the music world (That’s a polite way of saying she went nutso. It’s like when your dog dies and your parents say he’s gone to live on a farm. Yep.I hate to break it to you but Mister Pawington is actually dead), after she has been caught miming performances that were supposed to be live. No way. No fucking way! Really? Do ya think?! 

H? C? Where's L?

Well here we go with another episode of 'Dear Jimmy', as I shine a small ray of hope upon another group of otherwise hopeless losers. Subject of losers....

Basically i've been chasing after this girl called Amy for roughly four months and I think I've fallen in love with her, she broke up with her boyfriend about the time i took an interest in her so naturally when i asked her out she said she "wasn't ready for a commitment yet" then assured me that it wasn't me it was her. So I gave her, her space but literally Yesterday I discovered that she has a new boyfriend and when i confronted her about it she says that she "never knew I felt so stongly" towards her but i made it clear that i liked her in that way. But what makes it worse is that she has chosen to go out with a complete jackass, the guy Stefan is just such an idiot, he has these "random sex facts" which I'll admit are pretty funny but can be pretty disgusting, he's also a complete fatass the dude weighs like 17 stone at 16 years old and he's just generally annoying. So what should I do? should i wait for her to see what I see about him? should I intervene? or what should I do?

Y'know, if Stefan is as bad as you make him out to be then that must make you a total loser for losing out to him. The fact that you fell for the whole 'it's not you it's me spiel' leads me to think this is the case. But don't worry, here's what you should do: Aim low. Really low! Aim so low that becoming gay and asking Stefan out is a step up from what you actually end up dating.

Oh, millenium!

..because nothing says I'm 'down with the kids' and current trends like a Robbie Williams reference. Word. But seriously, I made it. a thousand hits. They said I wouldn't. They said I was mad. They tried to sent Tommy Lee Jones to stop me, forcing me to jump off a waterfall-- Okay a fugitive reference now? I better get to some letters before I make anymore dated 90's references.So let's go....

...COWABUNGA!

My name is Amanda and I'm a single 25 year old woman residing in Alaska. I've been with my boyfriend a little over 3 months. I said I love you a couple weeks ago and he said that he couldn't say it because he wasn't ready and he doesn't know what love is.
That hurts. no one wants to say I love you and not hear it in return. I think he does love me, I see it in the way that he looks at me and holds me and wants to be with me a lot. We have a great time together. He has said it a couple times when he was drunk but he won't say it besides that.
I want to be with him but it's been like 3 weeks since I said it and I don't know how long I should wait to hear it back. I think when he started dating me he didn't expect to like it this much and he had plans to travel and not settle down right away and if he says he loves me then it makes it that much more of a committment to walk away from.
I don't know though, and an outside perspective would certainly be appreciated.

You're a needy bitch who only said 'I love you' because you needed to hear it back and thought you would. there's your outside perspective.

It's on the wing.....It's on the wing!

Okay, sorry guys, I'm a couple days late, blame the gremlin in Internet explorer that I only just managed to evict. Since you've all waited long enough let's get on with this column shall we?

I am a new member of a small, local organization. We have an email group. Occasionally a member will post information that has nothing directly to do with the organization, usually political in nature. These political emails and petitions offend me. They in no way reflect my beliefs and politics. What should I do?

Oh. MY. GOD! who the hell allowed people to speak freely on the internet?! I suggest you help me in a crusade to not only found that scoundrel and hang him by his nuts with a rusty nail, but also shut down any web page that could be considered the least bit offensive by anybody in the world ever....leaving only wholesome, informative pages like this one.

Special #1: 21 clues he's cheating (but only if you're a paranoid bitch!)

Okay, this started as one of those 'dating advice' articles that are all over the Internet (People think anybody can give advice nowadays, not just trained professionals like me), then I got my hands on it. The logic is so full of holes I just had to share it. So, introduction over...enjoy!

1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
that's actually because you're butt-ugly. And a paranoid bitch. And NOBODY wants to be seen out with a butt ugly paranoid bitch.

Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)....here's some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.