Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)....here's some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.

Ladies night

Today we seem to have an all female line-up this week. Not through a carefully and well thought out selection process, it just seems that Space were onto something when they sang about the female of the species being more needy than the male. (shock shock horror horror)

Q. The bride/groom of a wedding wanted to set me up with a great guy from New York that they thought I would "hit it off with." He was single and "looking." Because he came recommended I let my guard down (got a wee bit tipsy) and told him I thought he was cute. He returned the favor, and by evening's end we engaged in steamy kisses and innocent fooling around. I told him I visit NY often and he took my number. The problem: I cannot stop thinking of those "hot" stolen moments, but have not heard from him. I'm confused. Did I kiss him too soon? Does he not like me? Is it a distance thing? What went wrong?

A. Go into your bathroom. Now take a look in the mirror. There's your answer. Why do you think you were single to begin with?



Q. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the last 9 months we were together, I felt uncomfortable about telling him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receive any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But I thought about it and realized that he may never be able to open up with me, so I decided to let it go.
I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on and I have a feeling that there were issues he would not address. In order to find closure, I suggested we meet this weekend, which he agreed to. My question is- considering that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and share his honest feelings with me?

A. Okay, firstly the problem may not be that he's not sharing enough of his feelings as much as you're sharing way too many of your own and are coming across as needy and insecure. And guys hate that in chicks. So my advice to you is whenever you feel anything. And I mean ANYTHING! repress it. Push it deep deep down until you are alone and able to vent it without embarrassing yourself. May I suggest weeping uncontrollably into a pillow, or that old favourite, self harm?



Q. I’m a 29-year-old female whose once active social life has been slowly disappearing. Many of my friends are now married and some of them have at least one child. As they became coupled and got married our friendships changed. Their time suddenly seemed to be available only to their partners and to gatherings with other COUPLES. I am rarely invited to these and have felt unpopular, alone and forgotten. I hate the way I am feeling and the fact that I have no control over losing my friendships. What can I do?

A. This is obvious. Their spouses and significant others are in direct competition for your friend's attentions....so eliminate them! Your local library should have plenty of crime books, both fiction and reference, so do your research first and don't repeat the mistakes you read about. As a friendly pointer to get you started; most females prefer poisoning, as they are far too girly and soft to use a masculine method like shooting/stabbing/beating with their own dismembered leg.



Q. I’m a girl who is really strong on rules when it comes to guys. When I was younger, I was more naive and didn’t understand men or realize the importance of playing “hard to get.” Then I read the book “The Rules,” which led me to change my views on how I should interact with the men I date. Essentially, it taught me to treat a guy I like the way I would treat a guy I don’t like- because the men that women aren’t interested in always seem to be very attracted to them and vice versa. Therefore, in order to win the guy you really want - you have to appeal to that competitive side of him that causes him to want what he can’t have. Some of the ways that I play it cool are to never call men that I meet and/or keep myself “busy”, so that I have little available time to go out.
When I follow these rules they work well for me. My problem is that I met this man at a function the other night during which I foolishly had too much to drink. He asked me back to his place and I went. We didn’t sleep together, but we did kiss quite a bit and talked until 9 in the morning, when he gave me a ride back to my place. Over the past two days we have been emailing each other and last evening he said repeatedly that he can’t stop thinking about me and can’t wait until he sees me again. He then asked me out for a drink this week-end. My “rules” usually prohibit me from going for a drink on a first date because I believe the man would take me out for dinner if he were really interested. I really like this guy but fear that his attraction to me will be less because I went to his house the other night. Should I tell him I am busy and cancel the date? I don’t want to appear too eager and ruin something that I think could be great.

A. I have two very important pieces of advice. Firstly burn that freaking book and any other self-help empowerment crap in your home...No! make that home-town. Secondly Quit whatever the hell you do now and become a dominatrix. Not only does this pay better (unless what you do now is Sir Alan Sugar's apprentice) but it will allow you to fulfill your freaky controlling power trip in a controlled environment ( Because remember kiddies, real life doesn't have safewords!) and treat this relationship as individual, like a normal person would, rather than following your stupid rules, that,since you're still single, obviously weren't working anyway!

Well with that I'm off to try get this damned space song out of my head.

Dear jimmy- Nothing to do with Sophie Ellis Bextor lyrics

Well now that that's clarified (thank you very much google!)I would just like to welcome anybody who found this thing through the Projectwonderful ads I took out (now that I've decided to stop being a cheap bum) aboard. Hope you enjoy it and will be sticking around. So grab a seat, get comfy and let's get to the letters, shall we?

I have been reading your column for over 5 years and it has helped me with my relationships tremendously. I have just married the love of my life this past month. We are both 28 years old from NY and this is both our first marriage.
We have been together for over four years. My problem that I am exteremly jealous of my husbands past. When he was in college he lived with his girlfrend for 3 years. They went on many vacations together, had pets, their familes were close etc. It feels to me that even though they weren't married, it was very close to it. Now that was are living together for the first time now I can see how close they were, and it is making me jealous. Every "first" we have doesn't feel special to me because he already had that with someone else.
Its tearing me up inside, its even affecting our sex life because whenever I want to be intimate with him I think of all they have done and I get turned off. I know he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. Please, I need some advice how to get over this!

Well that's great to hear, especially since I've only been doing this thing for a couple months. But let's not dwell on that. Or your terrible grammar. I mean: 'Now that was are living together for the first time now'? If this is such an important letter you'd think you'd proof read it first! Let us, instead, focus on your problem. Since it matters to you that you're the first and there's nobody before you to get jealous of, may I suggest you ditch the relationship you've nurtured over four years and instead rob the cradle get yourself an 12-year-old toyboy? That way everything you do would be a first. Simple when you think about it.


I need some advice, and definitely some perspective on a relationship problem. I am very much in love with a kind and wonderful man and am getting married next month. We are both 30.
About three weeks ago I borrowed his computer, and found that he had been looking at a significant number of pornographic websites. This is not a big deal for me, I know it is normal, and every past boyfriend I've had has admitted to looking at porn.
However, my fiance has told me any time this has come up in the past that he doesn't like porn, and that he finds it degrading to women and distorts mens' view of 'real sex.'
So of course I asked him about these sites and he flat out denied it -- and promptly deleted all his internet history and cookies. I tried to make it safe for him to tell me by assuring him I think it is normal, but he continued to angrily and vehemently deny he ever looks at it or likes it.
So I let it drop, and then this weekend I noticed him in our home office looking at pornographic sites on the computer. I checked his internet history (which is sneaky, I feel bad about doing it) and he had indeed been cruising various porn sites while I was just in the other room. I let a day go by and then asked him about it-- trying to be really gentle about it and non-accusatory- and he completely lied about it, and got very very angry at me for bringing it up again. I told him that I clearly know he was, and it is no big deal, but he will not admit it.
Please give me some perspective on this. I am really worried because we are getting married really soon. I completely trust him not to cheat on me or abuse me, but I am really hurt by his lying over this. What do you suggest I do to put my mind at ease? I don't think there is any way he will ever tell me the truth about this, and I really don't want it to come between us.
Thank you for your help!

Okay, guys 101:

1) Guys like porn.

2) Some guys are embarrassed by porn.

3) Some girlfriends should stay the hell outta some guys business.

Thus endth the lesson



How can you tell love is real?

Do you not have Facebook? That is where you shall find this very sought after knowledge. However if you do not forward the ancient viral posts that contain the wisdom that you seek then there is a high and terrible price to pay. these can include (but aren't limited to): never knowing true love for yourself, being killed by a dead girl's ghost coming up through your shower drain, dying in your sleep, being raped by a zombie, having your penis drop off.



i am falling in love with a women who is 17 years older then me lives 3 hours away and is my step mothers cousin and two years ago i slept with her daughter can this work? (sorry about my grammer)

It's okay, given your question I'm amazed you managed to form sentences at all. Although I do think it's adorable that you misspell 'grammar' in a sentence apologising for your grammar, but, Hell, I'm amazed you managed to arrange those funny little squiggles into words. Based on your letter this woman (or these women, it's a little ambiguous) are, what? 22?
That's based on the fact you've evidently got to be about 5...and/or a moron. Based on this I'll keep my answer simple for you...



hope that helps.


Okay with that we all got through another 'Dear jimmy', it's okay guys. it's over for another ten days. and for you new guys....yes. All the letters I stea---I get are this stupid.

Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me
But HE WON'T DATE ME
Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.


Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.


Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.


Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.


Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.

Dear....Alex?!

Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at http://www.projectafter.com/ to find out.


Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).


Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.


Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.


Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).


Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.
Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.



Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.

Paging the love doctor

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.
A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*

(self) love and marriage

Here I am, once again leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping...each time...That my next leap will be the leap home. If you don't understand the reference get out. Get out right now.


Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn't thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won't but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?
A. No. he secretly hates you. sorry.

Q. I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
A. Okay, I'm assuming this is just mis-mailed. This is an advice page. Not a freaking wedding planner service. Don't worry I'll be sure to forward your letter.

Q. My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
A. Nothing. And you shouldn't try. If he doesn't cast that accursed ring into the fires of mount mordoor then it's power will corrupt him, and, should it ever fall into the wrong hands....Doom us all! Do you really want that on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Q. I was telling a new acquaintance about how I met and married my husband. When I said it out loud like that, I realized that I may have forced my husband's hand into marrying me. But she was romantically proposed to by surprise on a vacation. I feel cheated!
A. Well I can understand how, in hindsight, the white van, band of heavies and blindfold may seem a bit heavy handed. But you have to believe your husband DOES love you really. The fact that he hardly ever tries to escape from his cell anymore should be proof of that.

Q. How do I love myself? Where do I start? I feel like through the years I forgot who I am and what I'm about and I feel very lost.
A. Well, the most common male masturbation technique is simply to hold the penis with a loose fist and then to move the hand up and down the shaft until orgasm and ejaculation take place. The speed of the hand motion will vary from person to person, although it is not uncommon for the speed to increase as ejaculation nears and for it to decrease during the ejaculation itself. When uncircumcised, stimulation of the penis in this way comes from the "pumping" of the foreskin. This gliding motion of the foreskin reduces friction. When circumcised, there is more direct contact between the hand and the glans, thus a personal lubricant is sometimes used to reduce friction. Sometimes, if too much pressure is applied, it may be rubbed sore for a time.
Circumcised or not, men may rub or massage the glans, the rim of the glans, and the frenular delta.
Another technique is to place just the index finger and thumb around the penis about halfway along the penis and move the skin up and down. A variation on this is to place the fingers and thumb on the penis as if playing a flute, and then shuttle them back and forth. Another common technique is to lie face down on a comfortable surface such as a mattress or pillow and rub the penis against it until orgasm is achieved. This technique may include the use of a simulacrum, or artificial vagina.
There are many other variations on male masturbation techniques. Some men place both hands directly on their penis during masturbation, while others use their free hand to fondle their testicles, nipples, or other parts of their body. Some may keep their hand stationary while pumping into it with pelvic thrusts in order to simulate the motions of sexual intercourse. Others may also use vibrators and other sexual devices more commonly associated with female masturbation. A few extremely flexible males can reach and stimulate their penis with their tongue or lips, and so perform autofellatio.
The prostate gland is one of the organs that contributes fluid to semen. As the prostate is touch-sensitive, some directly stimulate it using a well-lubricated finger or dildo inserted through the anus into the rectum. Stimulating the prostate from outside, via pressure on the perineum, can be pleasurable as well. Some men, also, enjoy anal stimulation, with fingers or otherwise, without any prostate stimulation. Semen is sometimes ejaculated onto a tissue or some other item.
Hope that helps.