Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me
But HE WON'T DATE ME
Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.


Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.


Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.


Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.


Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.

Dear....Alex?!

Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at http://www.projectafter.com/ to find out.


Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).


Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.


Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.


Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).


Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.
Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.



Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.

Paging the love doctor

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.
A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*

(self) love and marriage

Here I am, once again leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping...each time...That my next leap will be the leap home. If you don't understand the reference get out. Get out right now.


Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn't thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won't but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?
A. No. he secretly hates you. sorry.

Q. I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
A. Okay, I'm assuming this is just mis-mailed. This is an advice page. Not a freaking wedding planner service. Don't worry I'll be sure to forward your letter.

Q. My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
A. Nothing. And you shouldn't try. If he doesn't cast that accursed ring into the fires of mount mordoor then it's power will corrupt him, and, should it ever fall into the wrong hands....Doom us all! Do you really want that on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Q. I was telling a new acquaintance about how I met and married my husband. When I said it out loud like that, I realized that I may have forced my husband's hand into marrying me. But she was romantically proposed to by surprise on a vacation. I feel cheated!
A. Well I can understand how, in hindsight, the white van, band of heavies and blindfold may seem a bit heavy handed. But you have to believe your husband DOES love you really. The fact that he hardly ever tries to escape from his cell anymore should be proof of that.

Q. How do I love myself? Where do I start? I feel like through the years I forgot who I am and what I'm about and I feel very lost.
A. Well, the most common male masturbation technique is simply to hold the penis with a loose fist and then to move the hand up and down the shaft until orgasm and ejaculation take place. The speed of the hand motion will vary from person to person, although it is not uncommon for the speed to increase as ejaculation nears and for it to decrease during the ejaculation itself. When uncircumcised, stimulation of the penis in this way comes from the "pumping" of the foreskin. This gliding motion of the foreskin reduces friction. When circumcised, there is more direct contact between the hand and the glans, thus a personal lubricant is sometimes used to reduce friction. Sometimes, if too much pressure is applied, it may be rubbed sore for a time.
Circumcised or not, men may rub or massage the glans, the rim of the glans, and the frenular delta.
Another technique is to place just the index finger and thumb around the penis about halfway along the penis and move the skin up and down. A variation on this is to place the fingers and thumb on the penis as if playing a flute, and then shuttle them back and forth. Another common technique is to lie face down on a comfortable surface such as a mattress or pillow and rub the penis against it until orgasm is achieved. This technique may include the use of a simulacrum, or artificial vagina.
There are many other variations on male masturbation techniques. Some men place both hands directly on their penis during masturbation, while others use their free hand to fondle their testicles, nipples, or other parts of their body. Some may keep their hand stationary while pumping into it with pelvic thrusts in order to simulate the motions of sexual intercourse. Others may also use vibrators and other sexual devices more commonly associated with female masturbation. A few extremely flexible males can reach and stimulate their penis with their tongue or lips, and so perform autofellatio.
The prostate gland is one of the organs that contributes fluid to semen. As the prostate is touch-sensitive, some directly stimulate it using a well-lubricated finger or dildo inserted through the anus into the rectum. Stimulating the prostate from outside, via pressure on the perineum, can be pleasurable as well. Some men, also, enjoy anal stimulation, with fingers or otherwise, without any prostate stimulation. Semen is sometimes ejaculated onto a tissue or some other item.
Hope that helps.

bunny boiler special!

This weeks letters all have a theme so lock up your bunnies girls and boys, otherwise they'll get boiled by one of this week's writers. So here we go, out of the boiling pan and into the fire.

Q. I am a 30 something, single female- who met a man online several months ago. After a period of e-dating, we took our relationship offline and are now intimately involved. I discovered last week that he still has his profile posted on this web site, and that he is getting winks and/or emails from women users. However, he assured me that he is not dating anyone else from the internet at this time. Trust in this relationship was an issue for me before my cyber discovery because he will not tell me how he feels about me or our relationship. I don’t know what to think. Can you help?
A. One question, how the hell did you know his profile was still up without going on that site yourself? You are obviously just as unfaithful, woman! So what? now he's not allowed to talk to anybody else? controlling much?! God! Next time you meet, cook him a big meal, buy him a wii or PS3, complete with Metal gear Solid 4 (I'd say both just to be safe) and beg his forgiveness. Beg woman, and it may not be too late. (but if it is I call the PS3.)


Q. I have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me?
A. If you re-read your letter the anwser should become obvious. Because you are a psycho bitch. This 'title-less' relationship is basicaly his way of avoiding having to tell you he's not interested so's you don't boil his bunny, shred his clothes and....God knows what else!


Q. I have been dating a guy over the net. We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it. I am almost 16 and he is 18. Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net. I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend? Please tell me what to do.
A. errr....errmmmm....what should you.....Oh! oh, I know! Grow up and get over it!
I mean if he has a girlfriend then you must have expected that---oh!---ahh, you mean you.... bwa ha ha... you thought you were his girlfriend. that is sooooo cute. Bless ya.
Yeah, that doesn't really constitute girlfriend so much as on-line play thing. But now the good news: Since you were never actualy his girlfriend, you haven't actualy been dumped.

Q. I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.
A. since you evidently want to skip over the whole 'dating' and 'relationship' stages right the way up to marriage, I suggest you take up a religion that practices arranged marriages. That way your family will have to do the hard work of finding a bloke for you. Plus they might be able to get some free land and/or cattle in the bargain too.

geez, they were clingy psychos weren't they? luckily the y-chromosome makes us males much more stable and well adjusted, right guys?

Q. I am a twenty something, single guy who had been dating a woman for about 6 months until she recently moved to another country. Since she has been away, I have had time to really think about our relationship and I am plagued with feelings of insecurity and confusion.
She was the one to initiate an intimate relationship a short while after we had become friends. Things were really good between us until her behavior started to change. Suddenly, when we were together, she began staring at other guys and making comments about their attractiveness and attributes. One time, she pointed to a perfect stranger and told me he was her "type" and that he had the "look" that she liked. A few days later we walked by the same place where she had first seen him and she asked; "Where’s my cutie pie?" Another time she asked me if I thought that a certain guy and girl were together. When I asked her why she wanted to know that, she replied, "he’s hot." I didn’t want to appear jealous, so I tried to ignore it, however, she continued with the stares and comments.
We were in email contact after she left, but when I expressed some of my feelings and concerns, she merely said she was sorry if I was offended and that she had not intended to be hurtful. I haven’t heard from her since even though I have attempted contact in order to try and sort this out.
If I was not her type, why did she initiate a relationship? I would also like to know why she continued seeing me and then making a point of telling me that I don’t have the look that she likes in a guy. How should I handle this situation?
A. Errrmmm. She's not replying to your e-mails, and she fled the country to get away from you. Is this not a clear enough message? You were sport. She owned you and now she's bored. let this be a lesson to you. Women willl treat you like objects, the only defence is to do the same to them first. If you take this away from the experience it wasn't all in vain.


Q. After three months of getting to know each other, we thought we were just what each of us had been looking for. The next month advanced to the physical stage and life was nirvana! Then, after a misunderstanding she suddenly wanted "space".
When a woman says she wants some "space", what does that mean? How long should I give her, and what's the best thing I can do to get her back? Pursuing her has made it worse. Can I rekindle things after doing that?
A. It means she wants space! As in give her some time to herself. As in do NOT pursue her. Do not start planning the best way to win her back, or worrying about when you'll see her again. And defineitly DO NOT EVER write a bitching letter to an advice collumn like a little cry baby girly man. And I mean EVER! But yes your relationship CAN be re-kindled. As long as you follow these pointers. Otherwise it is doome--Oh---wait a sec--crap. sorry dude! :'(

Q. I have had a girlfriend for about 6 months. We live in different countries that are on opposite sides of the world. We knew each other as youngsters but did not begin our relationship until she moved away. About 4 months ago, I saw a photo of her and another man on her website. In the picture, they looked a bit more than friends. I sent my girlfriend an e-mail asking her about the photo. She hasn’t responded since then. I don’t have her phone number so I can’t call her. I’m sure my e-mails are getting through. I am ready to move on but I feel that I owe my girlfriend an opportunity to at least tell me if she wants to end our relationship. I have waited two months. How much longer should I wait for a response? Thank you.
A.---- Oh come on!
---- seriously?
--Where to start here? Okay she lives the other side of the world, you don't have her phone number...She's your girlfriend HOW exactly?!
If you're ready to move on why the hell haven't you after two months? Generaly that's more than enough time for normal people to call it quits. What I recomend is you send her one last e-mail telling her what you've just told me, then go outside, get a breath of fresh air, clear your head, and sit down in the middle of the road. Or dual carriage way if it's convenient. Then just wait for her reply. Or the next bus. Whichever.

Oh for the love of...! Having been let down by both sexes, all I can do now is find some way to not belong to either. kind of like the 'bloke' who had a baby recently. So i'm gonna go work on that between now and my next post.

guest starring Lindsay Lohan

--Kinda sorta nearly. in a not at all way.
You all know how this works by now:

boo hoo, whine whine bitch
Cold hard slice of reality with a side order of sarcasm.
So without further ado...Order up!

Q. I'm attractive. I'm interesting. I like people and they like me. Why do I have so much trouble connecting with a special person in Dallas?
A. the main problem is the fact you live in London. Try connecting with somebody special there first. If that doesn't work you could always move to Dallas.

Q. I have fallen in love with a man who has been my friend for the past 5 years. He is a great person and we are close. Since he likes being single and I am scared of rejection I have always felt pretty safe not having to say anything to him about how I feel. We are both really shy when it comes to the opposite sex and he doesn't give me any idea about how he feels about me.
I have been driving myself crazy because I want to be in a relationship with him and he just slept with someone. It was a one-nightstand but I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy. He even mentioned the other day that we should go on a trip together next year. I can't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love him.
I respect, love, honor and cherish this man as my friend and now I want more. But, I don't want our friendship to end or change. What should I do?
A. Your relationship is in jeopardy? what relationship? you don't have a relationship, you psycho bitch. I suggest, since you daren't tell him how you feel and ergo you will never be with him, you should do the next best thing--- build an effigy of him. Which, since you seem to idolise him anyway, works out pretty well.
All you need is a mannequin or straw doll. Steal a few of his clothes, a lock of his hair, stick a picture of his face on the thing, and you're set. the two of you can date, snuggle and all the other things regular couples do, just like in 'Lars and the real girl'. In fact many stable and perfectly normal people use this technique, just ask my girlfriend Lindsy Lohan here..






Q. I basically have what seems like the world's most embarrassing problem in the bedroom. I haven't been with this guy long, and I really really like him; he's what I would have considered out of my league beforehand. I'm having a few arousal problems: no matter how much I want to have sex with him, my body just won't co-operate, and it usually leaves me feeling inadequate. We've only managed to have sex twice, maybe three times. The first time I was really tired, so he let me sleep and the second time we were drunk, making a fair bit of noise and were paranoid about his parents downstairs.I've done some research and I don't think it's something physically wrong with me, more mentally. Could my lack of arousal come from a recentish trauma with a complete and utter sh*tbag who led me on for more or less two years? My sex drive was really high before, and I've had sex since but only two or three times.I've considered going to the doctor about it - problem number 2 arises - I'm only 16, and I'm sure arousal problems aren't the sort of thing people my age go and see the doctor about. Any ideas on how to regain my drive? I really don't want to have to keep on relying on intoxicants for this!
A. Well you see, since you're having sex at 16 you must obviously be a chav, and therein lies the problem. This is more than likely an evolutionary thing. Basically nature does not want you getting aroused because nature does not want you having sex, because THAT would lead to you producing more chav offspring. there is nothing you can do. It's just God cleansing the gene pool. I would make a reference to it being an unexplained natural purge like in 'The Happening' but then you may want to go see it to understand the reference. And if anybody went to see it because of me I would NEVER, EVER forgive myself. EVER.


Q. Can anyone give me advice on dating? I now have confidence to ask girls out but I have no idea what to do on the date. And please do not say "just be yourself" because I already know this.
A. Don't worry, if you wrote a letter to an advice column about what to do on a date the very last thing you should do is be yourself. What you want to do is act like a deep caring sensitive guy who is interested in commitment and a relationship and all that kinda crap, take her to a bar somewhere to get her good and liquored up and then back to her place (because if she knows where you live she can find you again afterwards!) where you can jump her bones and sneak off before she gets up the next morning. If there's time you should also delete your number from her phone- but don't risk waking her if you do! You can always screen her with caller I.D. instead. Then repeat as often as needed with as many girls as needed.

Okay, I'm all helped out for now, so I'm gonna take a little nap to regain my power to nurture and educate. As you may've noticed this is running semi-regularly atm, so hopefully I'll be back in a week-ish, maybe. unless I over-sleep.

just when you thought it was safe to check blogger...!

-phew- I'm back and let me tell you, hiding from the police is nowhere near as much crazy fun and hijinks as Prision break would have you believe. But enough about my problems...let's solve some other people's shall we?


Q. I am a single, professional woman in my mid-thirties who needs some advice handling a difficult dating situation. A couple of months ago I met a nice guy at a friend’s party and we seemed to hit it off. After spending a long time talking that first night, I gave him my number and he called and asked me out. I was really looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him, and might have blown the whole thing up in my mind beforehand. When he came to pick me up, he seemed different. In fact, we related differently this time from that first meeting. Even though I was disappointed, I decided to give it a chance and see if things got better as the evening wore on. They didn’t and I found myself glancing at the clock and trying to find ways to cut the evening short. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me and suggested some things we could do together. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said something like; " I have a lot going on at work over the next month and will be very tied up most of the time." He suggested that we discuss our options when he calls and I reluctantly agreed. I made a point of avoiding a goodnight kiss and tried to be nicely distant when we parted.
I need some advice on how to let guys down easily. I usually drop hints by telling them I am very busy, unavailable and/or by not responding to emails or phone calls. I have even said that I am not interested in dating anyone at this time or that I am looking for a very specific age, profession or religion in the men I date. One would think that guys would be able to read between the lines and get the message, but I have not found this to be the case most of the time. How can I be heard without being cruel?

A. You cannot. Your first (and fatal) mistake was being 'nicely distant'. You should've just been distant,or even better,a total bitch. But you CAN get another chance. Since he wants to see you so much agree to meet up somewhere (preferably very busy) and treat him like dirt as loudly as possible. Insult absolutely everything about him. His clothes, his interests, his beliefs. remember absolutlely nothing is off limits, not even conventionaly taboo topics like religion.
Your aim, the whole time should be to highlight the fact that you're not interested because he's a loser, and to make him cry. If he actualy does....bonus! This should help him get the point. My presonal best is 2 mins 27 seconds. But then girls are softed and weaker than men, and since this is your first time I estimate it could take up to 8 whole minutes, but be paitant. The method works, but you must be willing to devote the time to it. Like all great relationship tools.
---Of course this could backfire horribly if he's one of those BDSM freaks who get off on that kind of thing. So pack some pepper spray just in case.


Q. I am a 32-year-old single woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man for 2 months. This man, in my opinion ,would normally receive a very high score. He is a fairly handsome guy with a great personality and mutual moral convictions. He is marriage minded and is very attentive and complimentary to me.
The problem is that he seems very feminine to me. His mannerisms are feminine, he is somewhat soft-spoken and his total demeanor at times exudes softness. There are things he sometimes says that I don't normally hear from a man's mouth .Since I thought that maybe it was just me, and that I had the wrong perception, I have asked him if others had ever mistaken him for being gay. I also asked him if he had ever fantasized about being with a man or had ever been with one. Each time his answer was no.. never.
Honestly, I really don't think he is gay. He has had previous relationships with women and is the father of three girls who do not live with him. This guy in every other way would be a great catch...but I find his feminine demeanor to be very distracting, somewhat of a turn off and publicly embarrassing. What advice could you offer me regarding an otherwise great guy, but one who is just a little too soft for my taste?

A. Okay, I hate to break it to you , but he is soooooo in the closet. But don't worry. you can fix this. because beng gay is a choice. I recomend you strap him to a chair and force him to watch the Die Hard Quadrology (except number 2, because...well because it sucks.) Commando and some good old fashioned porno. prising his eyes open and moistening them as needed. Just like in 'clockwork orange'. Alternatively, electro shock therapy could yield similair results if you're both willing to invest the time. As I told the previous reader- these things are all about investing the proper time and effort.


Q. hello ladies and gentlemen i met this wonderful guy named Will Baety from Utah over a month and a half ago on Inklink we are going to meet this Christmas since he coming down to visit me and have a New Year with me we are in love. But he says he is ready to marry me this Christmas Eve I am so excited because I really know I am in love with him as he is with me. So should I because he is turning 18 on April 24 and I am turning 16 May 8 what should I do. And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone until December 24, 2007 at 6:40 a.m. when we go pick him up at the airport to come back to my house. I am so excited

A. I'll be honest, when I first read this, I too became equaly excited. i mean this one letter could keep me going for a months worth of updates. (okay that's only two, but still!) but here goes...

Firstly, what is with all the detail? Why do I need to know the dude's name? and the EXACT time you're picking him up? Did you mistake this for one of those love match calculator things or something? Or do you just have OCD? because if so, I also recomend some Electro shock therapy for you. In fact you should probably electrocute yourself anyways from the sound of your letter. Were you not reading the last two letters when I mentioned taking time with things?
I mean did everybody else spot where it went from 'regular' stupid to 'oh my God! this material is gold' stupid? that's right... 'And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone'
WHAT?! What the hell?! How in the hell do you know you love him if you haven't really met him? And you consider not having met him 'the best bit'? Is that because you're stupid? or butt ugly?
Checking my 'dim teen to real people' dictionary am I right in assuming our word for what you call 'love' is translated as 'he's-said-some-nice-things-on-the-phone-and-in-my-tiny-little-girly-brain-since-this-makes-me-feel-happy-and-builds-my-non-existant-ego-up-it-must-be-love?' in case you're wondering it's like how Japanese have one word equivilent they say/write and it's to an entire phrase. Lazy bums!)
and finaly... at the risk of sounding like an ACTUAL advice column (God forbid!), I'd always consider marrying somebody you haven't lived with first a bad idea, since you discover all their annoying bad habits and they magnify ten fold after being cooped up together day in day out, so I guess marrying somebody you haven't met would be...I dunno...a really really really really really really really stupid idea (no, really!). Actualy, scratch that. I don't consider it an idea at all. that implies you've actualy thought about it.

Q. I recently entered a relationship with a woman who is sweet and a little dense at times- but nonetheless intelligent and trustworthy. We started dating just a few weeks after meeting- but after only one week, my feelings changed. It just happened as we spoke on the phone one day, and even though I have tried to suppress it- I just don't feel the same towards her. It is a feeling in my gut that is trying to tell me something. This is the second relationship in which this has happened. It is not as strong with the person I am currently with, but it is consistent and makes me feel ill at ease with her.
There is nothing about her that is causing me to feel this way. By that I mean that she is very sweet, attractive, honest and interested in me. The only possible issue for me is that she is not quite on the same intellectual level that I am- but I don't think it is fair to expect everyone to be my match in this area. For instance, when I asked her what she believes in, it took her forever and a day to answer. This shouldn't be such a serious issue and I wish I could make the feeling go away. I have asked people, 'Have you ever been with someone who you know is loyal, kind and trustworthy, but despite that you had a gut feeling that something was wrong about you being with her?' Most people say, 'yes' or 'I understand that feeling' or 'that's when I usually break it off.'
Can you give me some insight on this feeling and how I can overcome it, and perhaps talk to her about it rather than just breaking things off?

A. The problem is obvious from your letter. It's your vastly superior intellect. You should defintiely break it off with this dense mare so that you can meet somebody on your own level and have a super genius baby. However since she is both 'dense' and 'interested in [you]' may I recomend you make her dance like a puppet and manipulate her into putting out first? This also gives you the out of 'I'm just so confused. we're moving so fast. I need some time to think'. She'll buy it, after all she's dense, right?

Q. My sister said you wouldn’t answer this email.
A. ---

That's it for another heart warming edition, until next time remember: Do NOT try anything mentioned in these letters at home. because if you act like these people you deserve to be shot. And hopefuly will.