Dear jimmy

20th January 2012

2012-01-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so evidently somebody stole half of my last post. Either that or I was drunker than I thought. Who the hell knows? Well while I get to the bottom of that, here's the newest update. In it's entirety...I hope.

So theres this guy I like, a lot, his amazing and I think the world of him. He and I were close at one point but then suddenly he stops meeting up with me and even texting me back. We talked since then and we're becoming closer again and we talked about it and he called it "running away" and that he did it to everyone and that after he "ran away" from me he got close to another girl and did the same to her. He says he still likes me and that I mean a lot to him but I don't believe him, part of me doesn't want to because I'm scared that he will run away again and I will be suddenly all alone and I don't even know what I did wrong and it really confused me. He also likes a lot of people at the same time and one minute is all nice and loving and wants to be around me the next he wont so much as talk to me and...I just don't know what to do. I keep trying and putting effort into this and he...well...I don't even know if he likes me, its all just really confusing and I feel like I'm in the dark....help?

Hmmm...Well, while I can't speak for this boy I am glad that you're beating yourself up over this, because one thing is for certain: This is definitely your faulty somehow. Maybe you're fat, maybe you're ugly, maybe you're ungodly annoying. All I can for certain is that the reason things didn't work out for the two of you is something to do with you, and that is precisely why you deserve to be alone forever. So good luck with that.

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The other day my husband said he was going to see a friend and he would be back soon. That was around 5pm but he only returned home around 3am. When i asked him why he had come late he said he had a headache and we should talk later. Later that day i asked him if we could talk as i had other issues pertaining to his behaviour that i wanted to discuss with him. instaed he said he was rushing to meet a friend and would be home in an hour. after about 4 hours i called him again and he said he is busy drinking with friends i must just calm down because he cant drop everything and come home. he only got home at 4am after my persistent calling. i asked him where and with whom he was and he questioned why i ask him those kind of questions. He refused to talk to me and said he was tired and began to doze off as i spoke. So i poured a glass of cold water on him of which he took the glass and smashed it in my face i then ordered him out of the house but he never left. Later that morning he left and said he was going to meet a friend in another town 3hours drive away as this friend was going overseas. It has been 5days now and he is not back. though he calls several times everyday to find out how im doing and if im recovering well. i dont understand this kind of behaviour and what exactly is going on

Geez woman! Why you gotta be so paranoid! It sounds like you think your husband is lying to you. I'm sure he's not and it's exactly like the man says: He's visiting a friend. A hot female friend. For sex. But a friend none-the-less. I hope this puts your mind at ease.

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I am really missing my old councellor. I saw him for about a year - this was almost two years ago now. I feel like i really miss him so much quite a lot of the time. Its such a horrible feeling I told him things I have never told anyone and i think this is one of the reasons. My question is (seems a bit silly) but how can i get rid of this horrible feeling of missing him so much?

Don't worry. It will all be okay. Just head up the nearest clock tower you can find and start taking pot shots with some sort of rifle. I'm sure the courts will find you a replacement counsellor in no time.

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Dear Aunt
I am in a relationship and consequently in love with the boy in question. However, I've been best friends with this OTHER boy for 4 years and now there's an inkling of attraction. I don't know what to do. The guilt is killing me. Please don't tell me to evaluate my options because I've tried doing that and it doesn't work. I feel like I might cheat even though I don't want to. :/
Sincerely,
Bella

I'm sorry Bella, but nobody but you can tell you what's in your heart. You have to decide for yourself if you want the timid sparklepire with a heart of gold, or the rugged bad boy werewolf. But you do need to find your answers fast, as the worst thing you can do in situations like this is lead anybody on.

...Actually, no. That's the second worst. The very worst would be to drag it out over five fuckin' movies!

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I lost someone, and I didn't want help from friends etc. Now its too late, everyone has forgotten about it and noone is there to help. How stupid of me you're probably thinking, but I thought I was doing ok. I just want a friend to listen, but I don't know how to ask no that noone is offering :'(

...Oh! I'm sorry. My shift finished about two minutes ago. You could try saying that all again at the next advice page you come across, and see if they give a crap. But odds are they won't.

Now if you'll all excuse me I'm off to the roof for a smoke. And to take a few pot shots at passers by.

31st December 2011

2011-12-31T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the late update, folks. I'm combating yet another virus here at the Dear Jimmy headquarters. I know, I know! That'll teach me to stream badly dubbed German hardcore pornography on work's computers. But in my defence, once you've seen 'Das Butt' there is no pornography that's worth watching other than badly dubbed German hardcore pornography.

There's this guy I've been seeing on and off for almost a year now. We tried the whole dating thing but it didn't work out because I was moving too fast for him. We stopped talking for a bit but then decided to become friends with benefits. The thing is I still have feelings for him and would like him to be more that just my sex buddy. At the moment I'm playing him at his own game and keeping him at arms length. I say when and where and if we have sex at all. (Its how he treated me when we were dating) we've been like this for the past 3 months and now things seem different. He's asking to see me all the time and calls me when he's drunk to tell me how much I mean to him. The thing is when he's sober he blames his actions on the alcohol and says he's only telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I'm done with pretending I don't care about him and I want us to try again. But how can I be sure that he feels the same? Does he even like me at all, or is he just in it for the sex? They say actions speaker louder than words, and so far from his actions I feel like he doesn't want to put himself out there because he's scared of getting hurt. I don't want to either because I've been hurt before (by him no less) I can't see myself confessing my true feelings for him until I'm sure he feels the same way. How can I find out how he's feeling without revealing my true feelings for him? I don't want to get hurt again.

Okay, now I admit I'm an agony uncle, and not a consulting detective, but using all the detective prowess I picked up from watching both Sherlock Holmes movies and twenty minutes of an old Jeremy Brett 'Casebook' episode I would infer from the fact that he has told you he only wants sex, only tells you otherwise when he's drunk and horny, and admitted, many times, when he's sober he's saying what you want to hear so he doesn't want to lose the chance to have sex with you that he only wants you for sex. Elementary, my dear retard!

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I've come back to the uk for a short holiday and to catch up with friends. One of the friends has always been a bit wild and her life is constant amusement for us all because it's always risky business and sexual exploits, great entertainment really.
This time however she was being very secretive and I've found out why, she's totally crossed the line.
A guy she'd had a brief fling with years ago, who is now married with kids, she's been meeting him once a month for a hook up. This is on top of several others that she does this with.
I'm angry and disappointed that she's been behaving this way. She's also been going to a swingers club. I'm worried for her but I don't know if I should bother to remain friends because I just find this last act in the play that is her life, to be, frankly, disgusting.
Am I over reacting?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Bitch! So let me get this straight: For years you've lived your life through your friend because you were too much of a pussy to go out and get laid yourself. Encouraging the behaviour. But now that you personally find something she's done doesn't mesh with your little prudish ideals and isn't one of your fantasies that you want to write this alleged friend off?
My advice is that next time, instead of indirectly wrecking someone's life you stick to porn. But only the classy stuff with a storyline. I'd hate for you to find it disgusting!

28th November 2011

2011-11-28T04:21:00.001-08:00

Okay, time for me to help another bunch of hapless losers with their problems, on account of it being one of the terms of my bail for punching up that store Santa the other dayHey, if people didn't want me punching up the emboiment of the holiday season (That's right. screw you Jesus!) then they shouldn't have started playing Christmas music back in October. I swear...One more rendition of 'All I Want For Christmas' and I'll...Crap! My parole officer is coming...Quickly...Onto the letters!

I'vebeen with my boyfriend for 8 monhts now and he is 16 going on 17 in Decemeber.I'm going to turn 18 in November and I want to go to a club. But he says nobecause he will get jealous and thinks that I will dance with other guys anddrink and get wasted and yeah.. And he's not going to be there to watch whatI'm doing. Who do you think is right?

Ithink you can dance if you want to! You can leave your boyfriend behind. ‘Causehe don’t dance. And if he don’t dance well… he’s no friend of mine.

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Yesterday a girl licked inside my mouthfor about 10 second. Just like that! I was too stunned to do anything and sheonly stopped when I coughed, and then she left without saying anything.
Does this count as my first kiss?

Errrmm… Fuck no. It counts as a girllicking inside your mouth for ten seconds. But the main issue here, which youseem to have completely overlooked, is that this girl is completely batshitinsane and more than a little freaky in the sex department. So keep an eye out for her,you’re definitely onto a winner.

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I've been friendswith a guy for a little while now and lately our relationship has got quiteclose. Recently I've not stopped thinking about him and I really like him. Thetrouble is he is really flirty with everyone and it is impossible to tell if hefeels anything toward me or not. How on earth do you tie down a guy like that?Its not enough to just flirt a bit or act interested because he's so used to itfrom so many other girls!! I really need a little help - please!

Well if youreally want to tie him down you’ll want to use a fairly low gauge rope, andideally something made of synthetic material like cotton or polypropylene forhis comfort, rather than the industrial type stuff you used to climb in P.E

As for the knotsthemselves you only really need to master a square (or reef) knot, and a clovehitch, both of which are fairly simple to teach yourself. Or alternatively youcould just cheat and pick up some bondage tape for about a tenner.

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Mymother died when I was 7 in a car crash, my father has recently rejected mebecause his new love is more important so he sent me to my gran who has cancerand quite hard to look after and on top of this I have stress from GCSE's.
I can't deal with it, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. When my motherdied, I showed no emotion and to this day I've stayed the same, I was put incounseling for 10 months but I refused to talk about any problems. I can'tthink of a reason why so much rubbish would happen to me, I mean I'm 15 whathave I done to deserve to be orphaned basically. Please help me out, someadvice on helping with stress would be great. Thank you x

…Thefuck? I thought you weren’t talking about your feelings. So stop being a pussy,quit yer whining and cowboy up.

Ifyou reallyfeel the need to talk to somebody about it, then start up a live journalaccount. They’ll eat up this emo angsty crap on there.

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I met my guyfriend last year and he hit on me at the club and wanted to get my number, butthen I was already dating someone. But after i broke up with my ex, later on heasked me out on a date and I went. We had a good time, but I was already datinganother guy cuz i hated my ex and wanted to see what else was out there. itseems like its always bad timing for us.
And now my friend is all googly eyes over him and likes him. I asked him to goclubbing with us because me and my girl friend needed a guy to back us up in caseguys won't get off our backs. Maybe I should not have played hard to get, but Iam very very shy while my friend is outgoing and very social. I told my girlfriend that I like him when she asked if I did and then next day she tells methat she liked him too..
I actually told her in the beginning couples days after she met him, that Isorta have feelings for him and how he kind tries to look out for me... But shegoes out with him still...
Do friends do that? I mean if a friend tell you that you like a guy, do theyreally tell you that they like them too? I met her last year, so I havent knownher for that long, but she's the only friend that is closest to me that I metin such a short period of time. I think she is a really cool and great friend,but why does she have to tell me she likes him too after I told her that I did?
I think my guy friend likes her too, cuz he keep asking me about her, buthonestly I don't think he knows what he wants after i reject him, he turns toanother girl. My girl friend spoke to him about her guy problem and she brokeup with her ex and now she likes my guy friend. She told me that she and himhad lots of things in common, though iono if its true since they only met nottoo long ago? She told me she feels bad and that she won't do anything, but SoI just told her its ok, if you like him have him since I don't like him thatmuch, but I did. I just did not want my other friends getting on my case and Idid not want to cause drama and tension between us. But next day she said that,she goes out with him for lunch.
I am not upset that they want to be together, I am mostly upset that she notbeing upfront about this with me that she is really dating him after she saidshe feels bad. Well if she feels bad, then do you just go for your guts anddon't care about friendship? At least tell me what's going on, otherwise itjust cause tension between us which it is.
All my friends knows about him now, she been telling him to all our friends andI have to listen in on it which makes me feel awkward and upset... Sometimes Idon;t think she's being a good friend to me.... and I can tell and I think shecan tell that there's tension between us when we talk about him.

Long termreaders will no doubt know EXACTLY what this situation needs…

Threesome.

17th November 2011

2011-11-17T02:13:00.001-08:00

Okay close the porn you're watching in the other tab and pay attention. Your favourite lifestyle guru is here again to set you and your fucked up problems straight.

What do you dowhen after everything that you do or say you sit at home and wonder if youshould have said or done it like that? I wonder if I have offended anyone, orif they don't like me or I didn't make them feel welcome. I'm sick of feelingit, yet I can't change it.

I quite honestlydon’t know. I mean have you read this fucking site? Do you seriously think thatoffending somebody is a concern for me? I guess if I were a whiny sentimentalpussy like you then I’d respond to anybody who told me I had offended them witha swift roundhouse kick to the head…Does that help?

Hi,

I am in a very loving relationship with my Girlfriend and we hope to get married.

However, I have the strongest urges to have sex with a man with me being the feminine partner. There is nothing that turns me on more than the tought of being dressed in sexy clothing and having a man inside me. It is something I want to try although I do not want to enter into a Gay relationship I do want to try, safe, casual gay sex.

I have never been unfaithful to my partner, but urges to try this are so strong I feel I now have to try it. I have been fighting these temptations for many years and no longer feel I can fight them any longer.

Would it be wrong for me to try and how would I set about finding a partner to do the deed.

There’s anobvious solution here…Threesome.

Even better,propose it on your girlfriends birthday, and she’ll think it’s a special treatfor her, and will probably return the favour on your birthday by doing whateveryou want.

Includingdressing up as a lumberjack, fake beard and all, and sodomising you with astrap on dildo as you dress up as a French maid. If that doesn’t say romance, Idon’t know what does!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time now and we lost ourvirginities to each other months ago. He seems to enjoy the sex but it's allover too fast. 10 minutes too fast to be exact. We are both inexperienced but Ihave no idea how to tell him. A part of me doesn't want to because we haven'thad any big problems in our relationship and I don't want this to be the startof any. I'm just tired of being unsatisfied when it comes to intercourse.

Oh, but you’ll happily talk to a stranger over the internet about it?!Fine! If you’re too much of a back-stabbing bitch to talk to him directly aboutit like an emotionally healthy couple then all I can suggest is that you have astopwatch by the bed and use it whenever you have sex. Even better if you lookat it and tut when he’s finished. Trust me, it won’t be too long before he getsthe hint.

Howdo I develop my own intuition?

You'regoing to have to go on a vision quest in Tibet, and trainunder Ra's Al Ghoul who will teach you techniques few men have mastered.Techniques you can take home with you to wage a war on crime in an ultimatelyfutile attempt to avenge your parents that will never quite fill the void theirdeath left. Then some weird shit will happen with a guy in a scarecrow mask whocauses a riot and finally Ra's Al ghoul will end up being a criminal and you'llhave to fight him in the flaming remains of your house…But I bet you knew I wasgonna say that, right?

Ihave started seeing a man and having sex again after a long time. This man toldme he has fancied me for ages, how long exactly I have not asked him! I pluckedup courage and gave him my phone number after he had been hanging around atwork chatting to me!

I am however worried as another woman who is married is always following himaround flirting ect, and even insinuated to me that there could be somethinggoing on between them when I told her I fancied him!. He says she is a bit of apain but fun and a laugh and they have known each other for quite a while, shehas his phone number although this is for work purposes aswell.

I don't think he realises that she is making insinuations about her and him andif I say anything to her she laughs and says she is only joking, but he saysshe follows him everywhere and he seems to be scared of upsetting her. She isthe typical big Bubbly Blonde and acts really like a slutty sort of girl whowants attention and acts ok with me in fact we have a laugh but I don't knowwhat this is all about with him and her! He always tells me about her latestexploits as she is very OTT but he seems to be amused by her. Have I anythingto worry about?

Sure…Anthraxin the mail. Identity fraud. The global economic recession. Unemployment beingat an all time high. Your home being repossed at the drop of a hat. Skyrocketing interest rates. Crime on the increase. 2 metre jellyfish sent hereto destroy us all. M Knight Shazam still making movies…

Oh,you mean between those two? Then I guess that didn’t help much. Oh well, sweetdreams everyone!

Battlefield 3 The Novel: As written By Dear Jimmy

2011-11-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, so partly because it’s National Novel Writing Month and partly because I found out this existed I thought I’d take a shot at NaNoWriMo myself and present the proof that Andy McNab and Peter Grimsdale were the wrong people for the job. Here’s my far superior version of the official Battlefield 3 novel.

Incidentally, if you’re reading this Grand Central Pub, you can just contact me on the usuale-mail with all the job offers. I’ll pick them up from there:

‘Fag’ growled Penisdick69 as he found himself on the receiving end of a stream of bullets from his unseen enemy. It was obvious to him that some n00b was camping, and he wasn’t going to have any of it. However as it stood at the moment he wasn’t in much of a position to do anything about it, he had already taken quite a beating from the fagwhore behind the rifle. All colour had faded from his screen, except the all too ominous crimson sneaking in from the edges. Penisdick69 reassured himself of the old adage about he who runs away living to fight another day, and he had every intention of fighting. But right now it would have to wait for that other day.

Even if he had to respawn ten times…A hundred times…Hell a thousand times, he knew that it would be worth it to knock the smile off the face of the n00b that was somehow getting in these lucky shots that were depleting his health.

Right now, though, his pride was definitely the least significant of his injuries. He was near death and needed medical attention. However having used the last of his medikits to deal with the RPG blast he was on the receiving end of, Penisdick69 had no choice to deal with his potentially deadly injuries the only way he knew how…By walking it off. Because that was how a fucking man dealt with his injuries. And Penisdick69 was nothing if not a fucking man. He had the level three prestige to prove it.

Right now, though, he would gladly have given his exclusive pre-order camouflage and the presitage awarded solid gold M9 with increased rate of fire to get his hand on the man at the other end of the sniper scope. It was obviously a man. Girls didn’t play video games.

‘I could hack their I.P. address’, considered Penisdick69, ‘and then I could totally go around and kick his ass. I bet he wouldn’t be such a big man in the real world’. This seemed like a sound plan until Penisdick69 realised he neither knew how to hack nor throw a punch. He had studied the theories of fighting plenty during the intense 600 hours he had dedicated to reaching the maximum level in Street Fighter IV the previous summer, but somehow his body was unable to process the information stored within the recesses of his brain. He couldn’t manage as much as a single ‘Hadouken’.

Still… The sniperfag never knew that, so there was nothing to stop Penisdick69 from screaming his empty threat, in hopes that his bravado would make the sniper rage quit. Deep within the torrent of abuse that sprang forth from Penisdick69 there may have also been something about sleeping with his dog and killing his mother. Or possibly it was the other way around. Penisdick69 couldn’t remember. It was all a blur. The red mist had descended.

Ironically, the literal red mist had vanished from his screen. Penisdick69 was at full health again, and planned on focusing his rage at the mysterious enemy. The unseen nemesis that had been the bane of his life for the past seven minutes. Sure there were easier pickings, like the rookie who had spent the entire conflict running to the same hiding spot, only to fire three incredibly poor shots in a tragic display of self defence, and ultimately get killed only to repeat the cycle the moment he respawned.

But this wasn’t any normal battle, anymore. This was no longer about scores, or experience points. Those things seemed trivial in comparison to Penisdick69’s honour. And not just any kill would satisfy that honour. Right now it hinged on Penisdick69 killing the camping n00bcunt.

Penisdick69 broke from cover, the anticipation instinctively forcing him to take an extra large gulp of air. He just prayed that it wasn’t his last. ‘Let’s see you snipe this!’ he thought, as a smug silent curse towards his enemy.

Penisdick69 then began to run around in circles, randomly jumping. Some were leaps that would have landed him a position in any team of his choosing in the NBA if he were playing a basketball game, rather than a first-person-shooter. Others were only tiny. Barely noticeable even. But they were enough. They meant that a potentially deadly headshot would be absorbed harmlessly by his chest, where there were apparently no vital organs.

The sniper let off four shots, but Penisdick69 was not only still alive, but also still viewing the world in colour. He continued his random series of turns and jumps. There was no rhyme to them. No reason. No choreography. And most importantly, no pattern. and there, in that lack of a plan, was the plan. After all if Penisdick69 didn't know what he was going to do next how could the mysterious sniper possibly hope to?

Five shots. Penisdick69 continued his deadly ballet. Knowing that one false step, just a single missed beat, would prove fatal.

Six shots. For the first time in since his account was created eighteen months ago Penisdick69 realised just what it was to be alive.

Seven shots. If he kept this up Penisdick69 supposed there was a chance the sniper may run out of ammo. But only is there wasn’t ammo respawning in whatever mystery vantage point the fagbitch was camping in like a pussy. Luckily for Penisdick69 that wasn’t his plan.

Eight shots. ‘Almost got it’ Penisdick69 wasn’t sure if it was the peril of being in such a dangerous situation or the excitement of almost being able to turn the tables, but his heart was pounding like a jackhammer.

Nine shots. Penisdick69 drew on all his XP to focus. The bullets were getting nearer with every shot. This was going to be closer than he had planned.

Ten shots. There! Finally, Penisdick69 was able to follow the bright yellow bullet trails like landing lights leading him to the spot where his N00bfag of a nemesis had been hiding this whole time.

Eleven shots. This was getting too close. The bullets began to hit Penisdick69. His original plan was for a closer confrontation. He wanted to look into the eyes of the sniper as he took the big gay's life. A fitting payment for making the last eight minutes of his own life a living hell.

Twelve shots. It was no good. Penisdick69 wouldn’t be able to repeatedly crouch over the snipers corpse and make it look like he was tea bagging it. The benderfag had been spared that particular humiliation. But he would not be spared Penidick69’s wrath.

Thirteen shots. The screen began to fade, and turn the familiar mix of black white and red that meant the end was coming. And an end was coming, but Penisdick69 convinced himself it would be the snipers, not his own, and began spraying the camping spot with his M9. The shots sprayed the air wildly. Filled with the same passion and ferocity as Penisdick69's anger.

Fourteen shots. Then silence. No sound from either combatant. Their battle was over, The victor was decided.

The killcam began to move in on the battered warrior, and Penisdick69 couldn’t believe his eyes...’Sniperincess<3’. His brain was unable to process this information. He must have been reading the gamertag wrong. His heart began racing once again. But this time he knew exactly why. He had no trouble identifying this particular emotion. This one was definitely dread.

He opened the profile, and confirmed his worst fears. Sniperincess<3 killing him was upsetting, but he could live with it. He could even forgive himself the guilt of being the deciding kill. The game had ended, and he wouldn’t be able to claim his revenge, but even anger didn’t seem to matter anymore. He suddenly felt like such a fool that his pride had become a drug. So important it drove him to ruin. But the shame was not to blame for his heart racing. He could shoulder all these emotions. But not the dread.

All it took to break Penisdick69’s spirit in the end, to deprive him of the honour he held so dear and send his soul into a crushing detox as he went through withdrawal from his dear, pride...That sweet, delicious, adictive self-esteem was a single shot and a single, simple letter. Sat in the gender field. Stripping him of his precious dignity: ‘F’. Sniperincess<3 was a girl.

‘But,’ muttered the broken shell of Penisdick69 ‘girls don’t play video games…’

Halloween Reviewfest Conclusion:

2011-10-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jimmy Reviews...

Upuntil last year’s allegedly final film the ‘Saw’ franchise was something of aHalloween tradition, and is something that seems to have divided cinema goers.Some see it as a lumbering dinosaur of a series that had long since worn outit’s welcome, whereas others see it as nothing but shock whoring ‘tortureporn’. But there must have been some sort of a demand for it, since the seriesran for a total of seven films with many fans still hoping for an eighth. Thenagain, this game got a sequel, too, so that’s probably less an indicator ofquality than it is an indicator of how many people are dumb enough to spendmoney on something.

I’llput my hands up to personally being a fan of the films, though, mainly due ithaving some fairly intelligent writing under all that gore and it’s sticking toanalogue special effects in a digital age, for the first seven movies at least.Plus Tobin Bell’s performances each year were always the films’ saving grace.One thing that EVERYBODY agrees on unanimously, though, is that the game freakin’sucks and couldn’t be salvaged by a million Tobin Bells!

Personally,I’m not put off by the broken ass, clumsy combat system, which sees yourcharacter move with all the grace and fluidity of the old school action man figuresthat used to have a total of seven points of articulation. These sections arepainfully easy, and over far too quickly…Unless you end up trapped in a corner.In which case you may as well quit and cut out the middle man, since thisusually results in an infinite hit combo that is basically impossible to doanything about, thanks to the poor combat engine.

No. Whatputs me off is the fact that a Saw game even has a combat system to begin with!Remember all those epic fist fights in the Saw series? No? Well how about thetime Jigsaw managed to kidnap the population of a medium sized town and manipulateevery single one of them into being pawns in his latest game? Me either.

Butthat’s the problem, what works in the Saw movies wouldn’t translate very wellinto a game, and so Konami had to find something that would work, until theygot what is basically a completely original shitty game with the Saw nameplastered on it, and a few characters imported for good measure.

Afterall, the average Saw movie lasts 1 ½-2 hours, but how pissed off would you beif you paid fifty quid for a game only to finish it in two hours? Almost aspissed off as when I paid fifty quid for this piece of shit, I imagine! Insteadyou just get something you wish was over that quickly!

How meta...They're recreating exactly what Konami did to anybody who paid money for this shit.

Whatthey pad it out with is mindless drivel, which mainly consists of wanderingaround aimlessly trying to find keys/fuses/cranks to progress to the nextsection of the game. It doesn’t help that most of the corridors in the asylumwhere this game is set all look exactly the same, or that the floor plan, attimes, feels like it was designed by one of the inmates using a spirographyduring a particularly LSD fuelled art session.

Ifyour sense of direction wasn’t thrown off enough by the generic environment andpoor layout, add to this the fact that you occasionally get knocked out by thefilm’s ‘Pighead’ and dumped in a random room with no idea where the hell youare and navigation is a real bitch. To compound this frustration the darknessmechanic gives you a very limited view of the rooms. Based on the light sourceyou have equipped you end up seeing somewhere on a scale of ‘Jack Shit’ to FuckAll’.


Hey! I remember this. It's generic dark corridor 2E. Dammit! I wanted generic dark corridor 2D!

Thissets up one of the games more annoying gimmicks, as the floor is peppered withglass. Because y’know, Jigsaw did that once. Remember? That thirty second scenein the first movie?

See?That’s cannon and everything. Yep, this is totally a ‘Saw’ game now! This isjust one of many ham fisted attempts at justifying the tie in, forcingreferences to the films down your throat with the grace and subtlety of a methaddict giving you a colonoscopy as he goes through the shakes of withdrawal.

Saidglass chips away at your health bar, so basically if you stand in the wrongplace too often you could die just by wandering around. And believe you me…this game involves a lot of wondering around.

Thiswandering is sometimes broken up by the poorly considered fights I mentionedearlier, with prisoners who spout two inane comments on a constant loop, muchlike most flame wars on YouTube. You have a variety of weapons to fight themoff with, but unless you’re a sad, soulless trophy junkie there’s no reason touse anything other than a baseball bat or pipe. Unless of course it getsdamaged, that is.

That’sright. All of your weapons degrade over time. Things like the lamp, and the gunI get. I may not be an expert in the finer arts of self defence, but I’m fairlycertain that a lead pipe can bash more than three skulls in before it snaps inhalf. Even then, I’m also fairly certain that half a lead pipe would make justas good of a weapon.

Shit! My pipe broke and now all I have to defendmyself is this jagged piece of metal. Guess I better pick up a mannequin arminstead...

Luckilyyou’ll have plenty of chance to replace it during your endless wanderingaround, since weapons are pretty liberally scattered all over the place. Unlikethe fights themselves which tend to only last a few seconds, but are about twentyminutes apart. If you get really desperate, later in the game you can buildyour own traps and deploy them, but this whole mechanic is so clumsy andunreliable that even if you don’t accidentally gas/detonate/electrocuteyourself it ends up being far more trouble than it’s worth. And the gatheringof the materials just adds another layer of monotony to the game. “Oh look! Ifound my fiftieth can of turpentine”.

All ofthis takes away from the immediacy of the threat, and that is what creates thetension in the Saw films. All I cared about was getting to the ‘boss’ stageswhich involve solving puzzles to rescue ‘your victims’. However you end uprunning backwards and forwards, playing fetch for Jigsaw, like a greyhound on apiece of elastic, so even just getting through what should be a single corridorbecomes an epic quest that took me longer to complete than a Japanesecrossword. (And the only Japanese I know is ‘Where’ ‘can’ ‘I’ ‘ladyboys’ and‘find’)

Theonly immediate threats are usually cheap ass one hit kills, such as booby trapdoors that need disarming with a quick time button press, or shotgun tripwires,that are borderline impossible to see thanks to the lack of lighting. As suchmore than likely the only way to find them is triggering them the first timearound, reducing the game to a ridiculously frustrating, insanely long game of‘Minesweeper’.

Thisgets more frustrating the further you get, as the checkpoints begin to get fewand far apart, forcing you to repeat the same five minutes of monotony over andover again, kinda like ‘Groundhog Day’ but on a shitload of Valium, and onlyslightly less funny.

Ofcourse these do greatly extend the life span of the game, as they eventuallyget to the point where even Ghandi would get pissed, and either turn the gameoff in frustration, or just hurl the controller through the screen, beforevowing that you were done with this shit for the fortieth time. Thus addingmonth to it’s longevity.

Every time you die your frustrations will beadded to be that fucking patronising 'Billy The Puppet' laugh over a screenthat says 'You Died'. This isn't frustrating because of the patronising laugh...Although that does very quickly annoy the hell out of you. The annoying bit is 'You dies' ...Seriously game?! 'You Died'?! You're trying to convince methat this is a genuine 'Saw' product and yet you go with 'You Died'? As opposedto... All together now spoiler fans: Game Over!

Thepuzzle sections attempt to vary things up a little. But it is very little. Theyaren’t exactly well designed either. The larger set pieces are so poorly puttogether that you’ll end up falling ass backwards into the solution, and thenfind the clues that explain why you were meant to do what you just did, or soobscure that they become a matter of trial and error. Not only that but they,too, are bugged up the ass. I once had a timer randomly reactivate on me afterI’d completed a puzzle sending me back about five minutes in the game.

Thebulk of them are about a billion fuse box puzzles, which are basically the‘confuse box’ flash game, lock picking puzzles, that require you to rotatetumblers to match up the cabinets, cog puzzles which require you to complete aworking set of gears, or the medicine cabinets puzzles in which the only puzzleis ‘why in the hell does it take so long for these symbols to line up?! And whythe hell am I not playing something better than this?!’

Iassume from your reading this website you have access to the internet, and thereforeyou would be able to play all of these puzzles for free on the internet, andnot have to wait hours between each one either. Even if you were on the 3network. Plus the internet has boobies on it, which this game is sadly lackingin.

Alternatively you could experience the feeling of playing game for free by staring at this for a couple hours. And then kicking yourself in the nuts afterwards.

Asintimidating as they look the ‘boss’ sections where you have to rescue ‘yourvictims’ are more plain old uninspiring, and uninspired, crap. Maybe there’snothing technically wrong with them, but they’re hardly innovative, orparticularly taxing. In fact the traps may as well just have an hilariouslyoversized plug on that you just yank out, or trip over a la Naked Gun. Thefirst one, for example, looks like it could actually, possibly, maybe be achallenge. But upon closer inspection is solved by alternating between the twobuttons that can be pressed. Thuscementing my resolve that I could train a seal to complete this game’s puzzlesin an afternoon.

Theone thing I wish I could credit the game for is having randomized puzzles,making walkthroughs a little redundant, and encouraging you to actually figurethem out for yourself. However I said that I wished I could give it creditbecause even this ends up fucking you over. Twice it generated impossiblepuzzles. I don’t mean ‘impossible’ as in ‘very difficult’ I mean ‘impossible’as in ‘there is physically no way to make this happen, you have once againscrewed me over, game’. ‘Impossible’ as in ‘now I have to kill myself in hopesthat the next time you generate a puzzle it is something that I’m actually ableto complete, but your corridors are so bland and empty I’ve first got to wanderaround for five minutes to try and find a way to kill myself’. That kind ofim-fucking-possible! I don’t know, maybe I was just unlucky and got a glitchycopy but this is yet another example of the game having fundamental codingerrors that would really take away from the enjoyment if there was any to behad in the first place!

Theonly Saw regular making a welcome appearance is Torbin Bell’s reprisal of the‘Jigsaw’ role. His performances being another thing that kept me coming back toSaw at the cinema every Halloween. None of the other franchise characters arevoiced by their big screen counterparts. Or competent actors for that matter.If their enthusiasm is anything to go by maybe the developers pulled a Jigsawand just kidnapped a string of random people and forced them to perform thevoice acting for this game. The idea that they have reverse bear traps attachedto them would explain the depressing performances they all give.

Theplot itself is unengaging. Again, an element of the films that does nottranslate well to games. Since the films focused on a few victims who we got toknow and emphasise with before forcing them to make difficult and oftenharrowing choices. Even those that were ass holes elected some sympathy fromthe audience throughout their trials. However this game just throws scores uponscores of nameless, faceless rent a thug at you. A fact that isn’t helped bythe fact they all seem to be the exact same character model.

Thecentral characters get a little more screen time and a bit more of their storytold, but get no real development from it. Definitely not enough that Iactually end up giving a shit about their fates. They are mostly ripped fromthe film, but are such minor characters in the franchasie's vast cast that if the game expects memories of them from the cinema to change how few shits I give it’ssadly mistaken. Especially since you very quickly cotton on to the pattern that you rescue them then theyinstantly die some other way anyway. Whereas I’m glad this spares us any escortmission bullshit, it hardly makes me want to relate to these second stringers,or feel any genuine concern over their fate.

Afterwhat felt like a couple years I finally reached the endings. That’s right. Endings.Plural. That old gimmick! Getting to the end once is a chore, but expecting asecond play through is just wishful thinking. Especially since, despite being suitably dark and fitting the mood of the films, the endings fallflat… along with the rest of the writing... and the gameplay… and the graphics…

So whileit is somewhat interesting to see another slice of the Saw universe and see howTapp’s obsession has destroyed other people’s lives, it’s nowhere near as welldeveloped as the personal arcs of the film, nor interesting enough to warrantputting up with the effort and frustration that you have to put up with. Theonly thing that kept me coming back was my journalistic integrity, since Irefused to review a game I hadn’t even finished. But those of you that aren’tsadomasochistic, or writing a review for your bitter twisted websites, juststay the hell away. I can’t see many players grinding through the entire game.There’s just not enough to hold the players attention. Even now that the sequeland bad reviews has driven this game to the depths of the bargain basementanybody buying this game with any ammount of anything even close to being considered legal currency is gonna feel cheated.

Halloween Reviewfest Part 2

2011-10-30T01:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Jimmy Reviews...

What is it with the closing title of horror trilogies? This franchise goes ahead and pulls an ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’. After the first two Urban Legends movies were slashers this one goes ahead and decides “Fuck it, Y’know what? Ghost.”…Or witch…Or Demon… Some such paranormal shit, anyway. At this point I’m just glad that the Third Scream film didn’t turn around and reveal that the killer wasn’t wearing a mask at all, but was in fact an alien with an actual face that looked like that. Then again at least that would’ve had some kind of semblance to the films that came before it, unlike this crap.

But hey, in Bloody Mary’s defence it does pull the bait and switch much earlier. At least you know it’s bullshit going in. Hell the blurb even tells you, so there’s no sitting through 90 minutes to get to a ‘Zombie Ghost of Ben Willis’ resolution. Remember this?!

Well similarly whereas the first two ‘Urban Legends’ films were average at best slashers, the third installment is a ghost story. So while it may not have anything to do with the first two films that sport the ‘Urban Legends’ title, but how does it stand if it were jut called ‘Bloody Mary’? Is it worth gracing your DVD player this Halloween?

I mean the writing team of Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris has potential. Not only has Dougherty dipped his foot fairly successfully into the horror pool with Trick ‘R’ Treat, but the two of them bought us a few successful and not entirely terrible films. Including X2, and Superman Returns. Say what you like about Superman Return, but it DID bring us one of my favorite memes:

So this could still be an entertaining enough watch, right? Errrrmmm…See above? The plot is nothing more than ‘stock horror plot line A’, about Bloody Mary seeking revenge on those responsible for her death, after her vengeful spirit is unleashed by the films main protagonist, Sam, and her friends, who incidentally happen to be teenage girls. And even with a plot that’s been used more times than Tara Reid’s morning after pills this film still manages to fuck things up.

For starters even after it’s been quite firmly established that this is definitely a ghost story, what on account of the fucking ghost girl it blatantly showed us and all, the movie still tries to fake us out into thinking there’s an actual serial killer, showing ‘somebody’ (Read: The fucking ghost girl we saw not one scene prior) pulling the lever that controls the electric fence thus frying the jock who thinks pissing on it is a good idea. It’s either the ghost of Bloody Mary or the ghost of Darwin, sick of teens in slasher movies trying to prove his natural selection theory wrong.

Plus there are a couple of mentions of the killings in the previous films. I’m not sure if that’s meant to make us doubt the firmly established fact that there’s a fucking ghost girl, or to try and make us believe that this is connected to the Urban Legends franchise in more than name only.

Actually, guys, forget that you saw this…
This is still totally a whodunit!

For that matter why DOES Bloody Mary kill her victims in this manner anyway? And why does she go after the children of her killers? The film states it’s because, since they took her youth from her she is taking theirs in the form of their kids. Besides this not making any sense right off the bat, surely the last thing that the girl who’s pissed about being murdered as an innocent teen would do is murder innocent teens?

And even if I did sustain a massive head injury that allowed me to go along with that, then why does she do a complete turn about in the final scene and kill the final member of the gang that killed her? And why wait twenty years to do it? Was her vengeance really released by the Bloody Mary ritual? Why? If so, are you really telling me that this is the first time in the twenty years since the original incident, that ANYBODY whatsoever has dared to try out the ‘Bloody Mary’ urban legend?!

Plus, since I’m on a roll, why does the killer decide to try and kill Sam when she's midway through burying Mary's body in her own grave...somewhere nobody would ever think to look for it, especially after twenty years. Even though she admits nobody else knows and blatantly suspects the wrong person. Does he just have some weird kind of OCD where he has to murder a teenage girl every twenty years?

Okay, let’s turn our attention to the characters, since I fear that picking at any more plot holes may actually cause my DVD player to implode…

All our old horror movie friends come out to play in this one too, the obnoxious jock, the obviously suspicious red herring, coupled with it’s life partner of the *shocking* unforeseen betrayal by a trusted character, and who’s that quietly rocking in the back? Why it’s the seemingly crazy survivor/guru of the previous incident! Hell they even bring along the Step-son/Step-father who have trouble connecting along with them. I was beginning to think every 90’s Disney kid’s film ever had the copyright on that one. All of these roles are portrayed with performances from bland to average. Nobody is especially bad, or especially good. If the characters are let down by anything it’s probably the script itself rather than the actors portraying them.

Never is this more obvious than during this slumber party. Fuck, I feel like I’m risking my brain cells just typing this shit out. That’s how stupid it is. But I’ll endure…Because I care. The following comes from the girl’ discussing their urban legends:

Mindy: Well at least my story was real.
Martha: As real as your mother’s new tits.

Charming. Truly we have discovered this generation's Oscar Wilde. That's about one step away from 'So's your face'. The girls then resolve this playful banter with an underwear pillow fight. Their second in the space of about five minutes, incidentally…Because this is exactly how teenage girls talk and act in the real world, right? This is exactly the kind of depth of character and realism that’s going to endear them to us for the rest of the…Oh, what’s that Urban Legends 3? They’re just here for the opening pillow fight and then disappear for the rest of the movie? Really? But you had all that back story about the damning newspaper report they wrote about the football team, so surely you'll want to look into some of....Nope? Well their getting kidnapped as an act of revenge is bound to be investigated right? What with it being a federal crime and all? Plus you'll be able to look at how they cope with a traumatic experience like that as both a group and individu--- No? You're not interested in any clothed plot development from them whatsoever? Well okay, then...

Other than the girls performing the Bloody Mary ritual, and introducing Sam, the main protagonist the first act is so badly written and has so little to do with the rest of the film, it's like they padded the run time out with the opening of another film altogether. Actually scratch that. It's more like the writers accidentally stapled a few pages of their fanfiction slap bang in the middle of the script, and were too embarrassed to say anything after they started actually filming it. I think we’re only a couple of paragraphs shy of Rogue and Catwoman appearing out of nowhere and joining them for a badly spelt orgy. Which to be fair would probably be far less embarrassing to be caught watching than this piece of shit.

An Excerpt from the original script:
“And then marther starrted two play wif Mindys boubies. This woz howt bcauze mindy haz big boubies”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a bloke…I love boobs! And I know that a little T & A is nothing new with the horror genre, but it’s just a shame that two writers, who are actually pretty talented, churn out crap like that. Especially when they’ve already proven they can turn out genuinely entertaining banter, like this little gem:

Wolverine: Got any beer?
Bobby: This is a school.
Wolverine: So that's a "no"?
Bobby: Yeah, that's a "no."

It’s also worth noting that it feels like it’s meant to be done ironically, a la the scream franchise, but without the same successful execution. The scene in which the blonde who runs the tanning salon’s dialogue consists entirely of ‘Y’huh’ just about drags a smile out of me, kicking and screaming, but without the trademark self referential meta humour of Scream most of it just falls flat.

Not helped by the fact that otherwise, this film tries to take itself as a serious horror contender despite having such a ridiculous and clichéd premise. And one smile entertaining scene out of ninety minutes isn't a great ratio. I mean even 'The Happening' had 'death by riding mower. The movie's attempts to deliver it's story with a straight face leaves me wondering if I’m laughing at it or with it, which makes me sad. Because I know it’s not very nice to laugh at the mentally challenged.

And I was like "sh'eah. I am, like so totally ironic!"

And if it’s scares you’re after this Halloween the only way you’ll get them here is at the quality of this film. All its attempts to elicit genuine fear are either just cheap jump scares or just desperate attempts to gross you out. Yes spiders under the skin scene…I’m looking at you! Go to your room and think about what you’ve done! Even these attempts to push you out of your comfort zone fail miserably, probably not helped by the fact that Mary looks like she’s on her way to a Halloween party and the only costume left in town is a bargain basementSadako. Y'know...Exactly like every other fuckin' ghost girl in the last twenty years.

Like so many horror films everything here has been done before, and often so much better. There’s no mystery as to who’s doing the killings either, since we know for a fact it's Ghost Mary. No matter how hard I try and forget that fact and pretend this film is only slightly terrible, there's no getting around it.

Nor do I give enough of a fuck about any of the characters to even care who’s next. All of which means this is definitely one to avoid, especially if you're looking for quality horror. Even if you’re a fan of Dougherty and Harris’s other collaborations, in which case you should check out last years 'Trick 'R' Treat' instead, while still not scary that is at least entertaining. However If you’re one of the many people who hate ‘Superman Returns’ you should totally watch this movie, it’ll suddenly have you holding 'Superman' in the same regard as 'The Shawshank Redemption'.

Better Than:		Worse Than:
'The Happening'		'Scream'
'I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer'		'The Urban Legends Films Without Fucking Ghost Killers!'

Legal Crap: Urban Legends 3: Bloody Mary is trademark and copyright of NPP Productions and is used without their permission.
"Dear Jimmy" and all commentary and specific writings, including this review, are written by, and property of, James Vickers.

Halloween Reviewfest Part 1:

2011-10-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Jimmy Reviews...

To celebrate Halloween I'd kick off another review triple feature by representing my review of ‘The Happening’! Or as I like to call it ‘The Crappening’, or ‘The Nothing’s Happening’. Seriously, this thing is worse than ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and has been a running joke of the site for years. But why exactly do I have such a porcipine up my ass over this one terrible film? I mean I review bad films all the time, right?

Well, first off, a little personal history: I was a huge fan of M. Knight Shazam. Many people say he peaked right away with ‘Sixth Sense’ and it was all downhill from there, but personally I disagree. I actually enjoyed ‘The Village’, despite it’s length. And despite the convoluted resolution, of Signs there was a certain something that I enjoy, and that made it one of my favourite movies, and Shazam one of my favourite talents…

UNTIL ‘Lady In The Water’, that is! But I’m a fair enough bloke, I thought there was a chance that film was just a bump in the road on Shazam’s rise to stardom. It didn’t necessarily mean he was being crushed under the weight of his own ego and believed he could churn out any old crap and we’d still go watch it. So, I decided to give him one more chance with‘The Happening’. And to be fair, the poster was pretty atmospheric, and for a few months I was looking forward to hearing about Shazam's heartbreaking struggle and the long months in rehab that meant he was finally able to kick whatever the hell it was he became hooked on, that had convinced him ‘Lady In The Water’ was worth releasing. Or doing anything with that wasn't burning it and sealing the ashes in a lead lined box in a solid concrete bunker fifty miles beneath the Earth’s surface.

Sure, there were red flags there if I'd looked a little deeper. The fact that it's released on a Friday 13th was fitting enough, and the tagline is so self indulgent, referring back to his movies that didn't suck. But all I noticed was that it was a pretty creepy image. All those deserted cars hinted that something terrible had happened, without revealing what. It was haunting, forbodding and Kinda reminiscent of a similar scene from the comic book series 'Y: The Last Man', which was a lone survivor tale that makes a great read. So I had hope that maybe this film would be in a similar vein.

It was doubly important to me that this film not suck, since it was released about the same time that Shazam had been confirmed as Director of the upcoming ‘Avatar’ films. Well, one of the twenty seven upcoming films called ‘Avatar’ anyway. I’m referring to the one that’s based on the Nick Toons ‘pretend anime’ series, which, incidentally is great and well worth watching. Totally unlike ‘The Happening’, which, instead, had me sharpening my knife collection and polishing my lynching rope, in anticipation of ‘Avatar’’s release. Subjective bit over. Let’s look at why this film sucks, all objective and professional like. Y’know like all my other reviews…

I wonder what I let myself in for, straight off the bat, since I could only get a hold of the ‘Extended Cut: Too shocking for cinemas!’ The original felt more than long enough so my first instinct is to check the run time, and lo and behold it’s a mere 86 minutes. 86 Minutes?! Extended?! It felt like I was in the cinema for fucking weeks when I saw this! I would complain about it being a total rip off for being so short, but I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

In it’s defence, the first thirty or so minutes could have been creepy, if still a little flawed, in the days before the internet: When people start mysteriously and spontaneously killing themselves the obvious conclusion is that it’s some kind of terrorist attack. This plays off of the current mentality and fears pretty well, until the real cause is revealed, and may’ve been slightly more effective if absolutely everybody didn’t know the actual story going in. For those of you who missed it, or could afford the therapy to get over the memory (and I envy you! I spend many a night waking in a cold sweat after dreaming that I walk up to a ticket kiosk and ask for “One to ‘The Happening’ please.”) the actual cause is plants.

Fucking plants?! And these aren’t the wisecracking man eating plants from ‘Little shop Of Horrors’, or the Sexually deprived rapist vines from ‘Evil Dead’. Hell these are even worse than the primeval, can do whatever the fuck they want McGuffin plants from ‘The Ruins’, and that film was no picnic, either! No these are plants. Just plants. The most threatening thing they do in this film is occasionally rustle in the wind. That’s your tension right there!

Actually, I lied. The tension is long gone even before we find out about the plants. Sure in the first scene of the film, a woman sticking her hair pin through her own neck, is pretty unnerving. After that, the next scene shows a man, apparently, falling from the top of some scaffolding, and as the rest of the workers investigate, another drops behind them. This could’ve all been very unsettling if it didn’t get so hilariously out of hand as quickly as it does, when thirty seconds later a dozen of so of their co-workers take a synchronised dive off the same ledge. Maybe Shazam just really wanted to make a ‘Lemmings’ movie but couldn’t secure the license. As it happens this just leaves me with the ‘I Still Know What You Did Last Summer’ feeling, whereby I wonder if I’m meant to be laughing at this alegedly terrible death and destruction or if I’m just a terrible excuse for a human being, and things just get worse from there.

Damn! Should've used a blocker!

I think in a bid to avoid monotony, no two scenes involve the same method of suicide. The first few are fairly standard, and actually do achieve some level of tension, but that’s right out of the window shortly after it starts raining men (Hallelujah!). Throughout the course of the film we also get we get a man walking into a tiger enclosure and waving his arm in front of them, a crowd playing hot potato with a cops gun, whereby one person shoots themselves, only to have another walk over, pick up the gun from where it lands and repeat the cycle, and, my particular favourite, death by riding mower!

And yes, in case you’re wondering, these are just as ridiculous as they sound, which takes away any real impact the unknown terror concept might originally have had. If they’re intentional attempts at dark comedy, they feel out of place, since there’s nothing else funny in the entire film. Apart from this:

H’eh, child abuse. But the times when it actually tries to be funny, the movie falls flat on it’s arse. Like Mark Wahlberg trying to reason with a plant, in one of the homes they visit, only for it to 'hilariously' turn out to be plastic. Or the weird hippie guy who seems obsessed with hot dogs. Maybe it’s a reference to ‘The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog’… I don’t know. It’s in the script, and doesn’t advance the plot, so I assume it’s a joke. Of course by that logic, this should be a non-stop rollercoaster of hilarity, since nothing actually advances the plot.

This event happens, then it stops happening. The end. There’s no explanation. Sure there’s vague hints and conjecture, but there’s no explanation as to what or why. I get that is partly the idea, from the title. This is just some mysterious ‘happening’, but still, you can’t force me to sit through eighty six fucking minutes of this crap and then only give ‘the plants did it’ as your explanation. Maybe there’s some deeper truth hidden beneath the surface but screw that noise! I don’t even care enough about this film to watch it, let alone wade through a mountain of subtext to maybe find out why something is happening in the first place.

The most obvious interpretation of this is somewhat ironic as it serves as a warning against the destructive nature of the human ego. Nature is uniformly fucking us over for daring to meddle with it and 'touch things that don't belong to [us]'. A theory that is hammered home by the slogan of the Clear View community billboard; 'You deserve this'. Well, Sahazm, there're about six million movie goers who are waiting to uniformly fuck you over with rusty implements and riding mowers, because, after this film, you deserve it too.

So forget ‘why’ for a minute and look at ‘how’. The film offers some pseudo science explanation that sounds like it was concocted by Stan Lee:

I'm British, so therefore I like 'Dr Who', on account of it being a legal requirment for citizenship. So I have a pretty high tolerance for made up pseudo science. It's in my genes. However only when it admits that it's pseudo science and doesn't try and make itself sound legitimate. I'd quite happily accept that by making his sonic screwdriver vibrate at the same frequency as a sound wave The Doctor could stop the Darlek's from triggering a nuclear explosion (I totally made that example up, but I bet it actually does happen in an episode somewhere).

But even if I grant you the benefit of the doubt and accept that it is perhaps possible, that maybe certain plants are releasing these specific chemicals then it would only be specific plants that have the ability to create the chemicals. That doesn't mean every plant ever can. I have taken many a frolic through meadows, only to not come out cutting myself like a 'My Chemical Romance' fan. And don’t try and tell me they evolved the ability to do so, because that would be the equivalent of me going to bed tonight and waking up with wings the next morning. Or, to put it in internet memes:

The film tries to dance around this. When creepy hotdog guy is asked which plants are doing this he tells how all plants can communicate with each other. But that’s not the same as sharing their abilities! Again, that’s like me phoning a tightrope walker, and then expecting to be able to walk the tightrope myself after getting off the phone. Fuck, since we’re talking chemistry and physical atomic elements, it’s like me phoning said tightrope walker and finding I had one of his fingers attached to my hand after I hung up. Screw you, M. Knight Shazam science!

Plus, surely the victim’s main focus would be committing suicide in the most efficient manner, not the most amusing? Or do plants have their own version of you tube where they watch the results and wet themselves with laughter? Is that the real plot, this is all some plant prank that got outta hand? Because I wouldn’t put that past Shazam at this point. I mean, it’s the only real explanation, since surely there’re more efficient ways to kill yourself than this:

I know it’s a little redundant of me to try and apply logic to a film who’s premise is ‘The plants did it’, but how come whoever uploaded that thing onto You Tube (the people one, not the plant one, I assume) had chance to do so, instead of killing themselves straight after. In fact, the rest of the crowd aren't gouging out their eyes with sporks or anything, so why exactly aren’t they affected? On the other hand, if that guy travelled all the way to work to kill himself, how come he didn’t kill himself straight after exposure like everybody else?

Well, if the main plot has nothing for us to care about, maybe there’s some character arcs that can hold our attention. Well, that is true. Apart from the part where you give a crap about them! Be it Julian, separating from the group on a quest to reunite with his wife, the strained marriage of Alma and Elliot Moore, or crazy hippy guy’s attempt to get people to eat hot dogs. All of which are thrown into the shit storm in an attempt to try and trick the viewer into believing this film is living up to it’s name and something is actually happening. However, it's a bit like 'Wayne's World', except for the part were it's meant to be entertaining, in that 'The Happening' just seems to be a loosely connected collection of random stand alone scenes tied together for an hour and a half.

For a film with such a high body count, The Happening is surprisingly, brain numbingly, eye gougingly, wrist cuttingly, lion baitingly, lie down in front of a riding mowerly, dull. I guess this is what they mean when they say lift imitates art, because this film managed to override my self preservation centre and I very quickly found myself trying to off myself in an amusing and creative way. Sadly the staple gun wasn’t load so the fan shorted out, giving the rabid chicken time to escape.

The film introduces a whole mess of characters for the sole purpose of either having them kill themselves or getting killed off by other paranoid survivors. But ‘Lost’ this ain’t! So outside of the Moore’s we get no character development and feel absolutely nothing for them as they’re written out. And what about the characters who are kept alive and developed? What great main protagonists we have in those two!

I have this mental block whereby I can’t process Mark Wahlberg in any role that doesn’t involve him brandishing at least seven machine guns, and if this is any indication there’s a reason for that. He is grossly mis-cast as whiny pussy Elliot Moore, who tries to play to the mentor type teacher who inspires his class with his loveable everyman ways. However, and this is more the script’s fault then Wahlberg’s (although the annoyingly soft spoken voice he adapts doesn’t do it any favours) it comes across more as sexually harassing his pupils more than anything else. Plus what kinda teacher encourages pupils to think that ‘Duuurrr, I dunno’ is a valid answer in life?! What is Wahlberg’s fault, though, is another unintentionally hilarious scene. His unconvincing mini-breakdown was, literally, laugh out loud funny when I saw this film at the cinema. Enjoy!

The only good thing about this couple is that they’re perfect for each other, since Alma, played by the ever gorgeous Zooey Deschanel, is just as unlikeable, with her whiny passive-aggressive pettiness. I mean the world as they know it is basically falling apart, and all they can focus on is their marriage problems? Even worse they have a kid they’re meant to be protecting. Priorities people! It’s hard to comment on their respective performances in these roles, since the characters themselves are so bland and undeveloped that I don’t think even Chuck Norris could make them seem exciting, even if he set himself on fire before the cameras started rolling. I guess it is a backhanded compliment to Shazam that he can write a character so bland that I actually find myself not caring about Zooey Deschanel being on the screen.

So, after they discover the plants are behind it, the obvious course of action is for our group of survivors is to head out across the biggest, most open, plant filled fields that they can find. Because heading into some kinda concrete bunker away from anything even remotely green is the last thing you’d wanna do. Although maybe they just want to avoid being exposed the the ashes of the original print of ‘Lady In The Water’. I guess I’d risk painful and humiliating suicide over that, too.

After ditching the cannon fodder within a matter of minutes of their introduction, we are once again down to Alma and Elliot Moore, and Julian’s daughter Jess. Although, once again, Jess is so underdeveloped she’s a non-entity. You could just as easily replace her with a puppy or a potted plant and have the same emotional impact. Although I guess a potted plant would mean Alma and Elliot would end up killing themselves, so maybe just a puppy, then.

While out in the middle of nowhere the two and a bit characters we have left eventually meet eccentric recluse Mrs Jones. Now I’ve already said I’m as big a fan of unhinged wierdos as the next person. Hell, probably more so, since I have a website where I answer their mail. But I can’t even enjoy Betty Buckley’s turn as Mrs Jones in this movie, since she’s not as subtle as Anne Heche’s Missy in ‘I Know What You did last Summer’, but at the same time isn’t anywhere near as over the top and entertaining as Lorna Raver’s Mrs Ganush in ‘Drag Me To Hell’, instead Mrs Jones simply 'is'.

Instead it just comes off as an indecisive performance, like absolutely nobody on the set had any clue as to how she should be played. Fitting enough, I guess, saying as she swings from gentle and caring to bitter and antisocial at the drop of a hat. Maybe she’s actually the first character with a bit of depth, or perhaps it’s just her time of the month, we’ll never know, since, like everybody else, she’s killed off within literally ten minutes of us meeting her.

During the original version of the Moore's stay with Mrs Jones, and I did have to check it wasn't just me seeing things in the cinema, the boom mic is clearly in shot at least three times. Anybody who actually managed to keep their eyes open during that last fifteen minutes of the film may've even spotted more, but by this point I was hovering two on the Galsgow Coma Scale. I know it's a relatively small gripe to have about such an altogether poor movie, but it's a really annoying mistake from a guy with as much experience as Shazam (I'm hesitant to use the word 'skill' about him anymore). I mean surely if I could spot it, a professional would've? It just backs up the theory that Shazam is devolving as an artist, rather than growing.

I did plan to document this with screen caps, but, lo and behold, it appears to have been fixed on the DVD version. Although I can't help but think of the old analogy of 'You can't polish a turd'. It's also in the dinner scene that Elliot and Alma are about as close to likeable as they come in the course of the film, but it's a case of too little too late at this point. It's definitely too late for Mrs Jones, who incidentally turns out to be fuckin' nutso! But again this plot point takes the whole of three seconds to be explored before being tossed aside, as the toxin just so happens to affect her after she has been introduced. But this time it turns her into zombie Mrs Jones, smashing the windows of her house with her head, so that the toxin can potentially infect Elliot, too. Yep, evidently this movie has zombies now. Ahhh, screw it, at least she's not a zombie ghost!

I am left wondering what exactly does this toxin do? As, at first the suffers simply killed themselves using the nearest and easiest means necessary, then halfway through we see a group of infected people actively take the time to trek to the Clear View community before killing themselves. I remind you again, one of them using a riding mower! Now we have Mrs Jones actively trying to spread the disease.

After seeking shelter from Zombie Mrs Jones, Elliot is trapped in the house, and separated from Alma and the puppy girl. I guess this is where it all comes to a head in the epic conclusion of the story. Anybody who’s seen one of M.Knight Shazam’s films knows that the last ten minutes are usually when he delivers the twist, and as that's where his strength lies. So maybe there’s a shocking revelation that can stop this from being a total waste of time…

I’m not sure what that was meant to be epic? Tense? Dramatic? Moving? Because all it succeeds at being is anti-climatic. And what the hell happened to Zombie Mrs Jones, exactly?! There’s an epilogue as well, but nothing really happens, which I know is relative with this movie. Elliot and lama adopt Julian’s daughter, since they couldn’t afford an actual puppy, and, after the scientist who predicted that this was a natural event and not a terrorist attack goes on national T.V. to basically say ‘Ner-ner! Tolda ya so, bitches’, the final scene shows the event beginning again in France. For the first time I’m scared, by something I’ve seen in this movie, in case this means Shazam is planning a sequel.

But based on the reception this one received I doubt it. It’s been universally panned, and branded one of the worse films ever, so I wouldn’t hold my breath, thank God. I should thank this film, because it proved to me once and for all what I always expected. Hope is for idiots.

But this is Halloween, and this film definitely wouldn’t scare you, so I’ll leave you with something truly terrifying starting Mark Wahlberg…!

If you can stand the nghtmares be sure to check back tomorrow for another Halloween horror movie review.

Legal Crap: 'The Happening' is trademark and copyright of Twentieth Century Fox and is used without their permission.
"Dear Jimmy" and all commentary and specific writings, including this review, are written by, and property of, James Vickers.

20th October 2011

2011-10-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Don't worry folks, I am still hard at work on the reviews, too. But since I'm all but finished them, blind stinkin' drunk and don't have any step kids to beat I decided to vent my frustrations on this bunch of losers instead

Can anyone please advise me of how to getyour website high in the search engines online with google etc without spendinga fortune on paying someone who says they will do it and probably does not doit anyway?

Yes porn I sex suggest boobs you penissubtlety naked slip anal lots nip-slip of see-thru commonly sexual searched nude words MILF intodogging every topless sentence strap-on that gangbang you furrieswrite…Twilight saga.

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is there another way of looking through thehistory on the computer if its been deleted normally?

i know you can delete it by going into internet options but im sure its stillstored in the computer somehow....
does anyone know please?

Well if you searched for your porn ongoogle they’re going to have a permanent record of everything that your ipaddress has searched for. Bear that in mind next time you consider knocking oneout to your Yu-Gi-Oh! Rape Hentai

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I was wondering - should I let my kids haveketchup? I try not to give it to them too often but some parents I know refuseto give their children any and I feel like the "bad mum".
I know I probably sound silly but I'm determined for my kids to have a healthydiet. Should I give it to them at all? Or limit it strictly? Or does it notmatter? Thanks in advance for any help.

Fuck them! If anything they’re the badmothers. Denying their children their God given right to ketchup. Your kidswant a big ol’ plate of ketchup for dinner? That’s their choice. Ice cream forbreakfast? Fuck yeah! Sugar coated lard for supper? Life’s all about freedom.

Your kids will think you’re the best damnedmum on the planet…Well, right up until they die of heart disease at twelve, atleast.

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I am not long married and was virgin when Imarried as my husband was too or so I believed.

In our culture we do not commit sin of sex before marriage but I now understandthat he has commited this sin.

I suspected this when we became intimate for first time. He was veryknowledgable compared to me.

My suspicions were confirmed later. He has very high desire for intimacy andwoman are taught to never deny unless for health reasons. When I was goingthrough mensturation he suggested we try something different. He lay me downand entered my mouth and began to have intercourse with me this way. I becameupset as this is sin and when I asked him to stop he did but he was upset andasked why I would not satisfy him this way. I reminded him that this was sinand he said we could pray for forgivness afterwards and that he enjoyed this asmuch as other intimacy.
I asked him when he had experienced this before. He confessed to having westerngirlfriend who he regularly had intercourse with daily. He had prayed forforgivness but has said he enjoys this so much he wants this from me.
We have tried since and to my horror he released himself into my mouth andasked that I do not spit this out but drink from him as western girlfriend did.
I am now feeling disgusted and hurt. I am constantly being compared to hisgirlfriend and how she did this willingly and embraced him differently.
He has bedded with sin and now wishes to bring this to me. I am fearful that Iwill lose the love of my husband if I do not satisfy him however this is now adaily request and everytime makes me feel ill. No children can be gained thisway so why does he wish this from me other than animal satisfaction?

Errmmm, it’s probably because he knows nochildren can be gained this way…Oh! Also the animal satisfaction he gets from it!

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Can anyone advise me something that menabsolutely love during sex? I want to do something different to my boyfriend tothe point where he wants to scream!

…Threesome!

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I work for a big insurance company as aclaims advisor and I want to apply to become a TA (the deputy team leader) I'mfilling out my application form and one of the questions I just have no ideawhat to say.
Before I was a advisor I worked in admin (not sure if that helps). The questionis - Please give examples of occasions where you have had to use your owninitiative, adapt to new situations and (or) shown willingness to learn. Myteam leader is on holiday so I can't ask her for any help and the deadline istomorrow?
Can anyone give me a hint and what I could possibly write?

Oh dear god, please, please, please don’tbe a troll! Please tell me you really had to write and ask for advice on whatto say when asked for examples on using your initiative. It can be my birthdayand Christmas presents rolled into one, for the next six years.

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I have a problem regarding my drivinginstructor, and I'm quite worried about him. He is an elderly man, but stillphysically healthy and able to teach. However he constantly contradicts himselfto the point where he seems like a completely different person each time I seehim. For example, he first told me that he accidentally killed his wife whilstin the car, forgetting to put the breaks on. Then the next time I saw him, hedenied saying these things and claimed she was still alive and well, andcooking him dinner that evening. These conflicting stories appear to alternateevery time I see him. He also carries these sorts of contradictions regardingmore minor subjects. Of course I do have the option of leaving him for adifferent driving instructor, but I am worried about how he would react if Idid this. He doesn't seem mentally very well, and I don't feel like I can talkto anyone about it, and when I do they don't even believe me. I feel very aloneand have started to worry myself sick before every driving lesson. Please helpme.

Ha ha, congratulations. You’re the firststar of my ‘punked’ style pilot. You see your driving instructor is actually aset of identical twins. I’ve been alternating which one I send round each weekjust to fuck with you.

The good news is one of them isn’t a crazedpsychopath who ran down his wife in cold blood after she made him chickensandwiches when he asked for turkey…I’m just not telling you which. Hope thatmakes you feel 50% safer in the car.

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I’m afraid of being put down or judged whenI’m being who I really am, I can tell myself that only my opinion matters butit doesn’t really help. My only friend went funny with me and I can’t help butthink I did something wrong. I hate not being confident it makes me feel aloneall the time, I want to feel included and actually have some fun, can you helpme please?

No. No I can not. You’re blatantly quite boring, and onlyinterested in your own opinion.

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My best friend of many years is beingbitchy to me and I am not sure why.I haven't seen her for a while as I am busywith work and her too.She has since got a new jos about two months ago and eversince is really up herself and is forever trying to put me down.We communicatethrought text and we have a good laugh and joke usually daily but less sinceshe started her new job but it wasn't until I text her asking her how she was thatI realised she really is being bitchy .When she was very low and was unemployedI was always there for her and now she has her new job and another circle offriends she thinks she is forever putting me down.If she wants to chat and hasa serious problem she always comes to me and I am there for her,but at themoment she has forgotten all this and is riding high and like I said her textsare nasty.Not quite sure how to deal with this ...

By facing facts. You have served yourpurpose and your friend has now shed your dead weight and moved on.

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I am in a stable relationship and have beenfor two years however my partner hates my bestfriend who is male because of hissocial networking site profile because he acts hard to stop himself gettinghurt - I know this but my partner doesnt so ive stayed in touch with himwithout my partner knowing until recently and he went nuts. I'm torn my bestfriend encouraged me to get with my boyfriend cause I was so scard of beinghurt again and its worked out well but I miss him sometime I just need to talkor need a hug. Our relationship is so important to both of us yet myrelationship with my partner also means so much. Can anyone help x

Holy crap! So you were seeing the guy thatyour partner hated behind his back, as opposed to actually talking to him aboutit outright and explaining the situation, and then it came back to bite you inthe ass?

Who have thought it?! I can’t help withyour current situation, but I can still offer my assistance. I’m sending youout a deck of tarot cards and a crystal ball, so at the very least, maybe nexttime something totally unforeseeable like this is gonna happen to you, you’llbe able to predict it.

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Well i have four best friends they arecalled Emma, Imogen, Rosie and Phoebe, one of the girls (Phoebe) doesn't likemy other best friends (Emma and Imogen) so they falling out over everything,Emma and Imogen called phoebe a friendship stealer and a liar. and me and myother best friend Rosie are all caught in the middle of this and its so annoyingand stressful, and Phoebe is telling me and Rosie to pick between them and itsso hard and it's not fair. Please help me.

Wait, I think I remember this from myGCSE’s: If Emma has three friends, but then Phoebe steals one, which one ofthem is a whiny immature bitch?

Of course it’s a trick question. You allare. Well? Did I pass?

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Ok i will try and keep this simple
Started working for a company 6 months ago..i work in a small workshop with 2other blokes, old miserable back stabbing 2 faced blokes...Well this pairrarely speak to me and i spoke to my mananger today and rather than address theissues these old gits have with me working there he suggested if a positioncomes up withing the company i should take it so i can get out of this situation..nowim begining to feel my job is on the line here and im not happy...surely mymanager should be dealing with this differently instead of trying to push meout of the equation just to keep the peace??...HELP

What the hell are you talking about? Ifthey only say stuff behind your back I fail to see the problem. I mean an airof silent resentment has always filled the Dear Jimmy offices and that hasn’thad any effect on the site’s productivity.

…Isn’t that right half finished re-designof the site?

Classic Review: Transporter 2

2011-10-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Jimmy Reviews...

Okay, what to say about 'Transporter 2'? It’s shit! …What? That doesn’t count as a review? Could’ve fooled me! Fine! Let’s do this thing right. Damn my journalistic integrity!

Okay, the original Tansporter film was a good, low budget and fairly obscure film that probably crept under a lot of people’s radars. I know it originally did mine. Then, recently there was 'Transporter 3', a big budget sequel that was very polished and, honestly, pretty damned epic. So you’d expect Transporter 2 to fall somewhere between the two. Isn’t that right Lex Luthor from ‘Superman Returns’…?

But why does it suck so much? I mean I’ve given it a fair chance. Hell, I’ve given it three chances! At first I didn’t like 'Crank' either, but after realising that it wasn’t meant to be taken as seriously as I expected, I went back to it. I watched it again in the right mind set. I gave it a second chance, and for my trouble I discovered that I actually enjoyed it.

But this…This piece of crap! I’ve watched it once and been disappointed. Like 'Crank', I gave it a second chance, and watched it before I went to see 'Transporter 3' at the cinema. Still I was disappointed. I watched it a third time for this review. It’s still shit-awful! No matter what mind set you're in, this is not a good film. Let’s take a look at why:

'Transporter 2' starts off showing a lot of potential. The first scene where a group of thugs attempting to car-jack Frank is fun. Anybody who’s seen the first film knows exactly how this is gonna end up. And they capture Frank’s character perfectly in it. We have what are possibly, and very sadly, the best lines--- Hell the only good lines---of the film in this sequence. Seriously, sit back, and enjoy the best bit of 'Transporter 2':

That’s right, we’ve seen the best bit and the credits have barely rolled. This scene is full of so many nice little touches, like Frank taking off his jacket before the fight and telling the thugs to "Hang on," because "it just came out of dry cleaning", or catching one of the goons knives before it scratches his precious car. And finally, when the fights done and dusted, he just looks at his watch and complains "Late".

By this point I’m thinking ‘So far, so good, so Transporter like’ and my hopes are high for this sequel. But then comes the plot. And there’s the rub! This film attempts to have an actual plot. A. Plot!

Okay, let’s go back to the first film. Now, I’m probably being sexist here but what the hell, it doesn’t usually stop me. So any chicks too offended to read the rest of this review can get their asses back to the kitchen and make me a san'wich instead.

For the most part 'The Transporter' is the kind of film you could watch while eatin’ a steak, washed down with a beer holdin’ a power tool in one hand and aiming a semi-automatic weapon at a young deer with the other. A proper bloke film--- and they know it! Fast cars, guns, kick ass fight scenes and explosions. There was no pretence otherwise. This was brain on hold popcorn entertainment.

That isn’t to say it was badly written. Not at all. There was a nice, interesting interplay between Frank and Inspector Tarconi, and hints of both Franks past and the human side of his character. But these were all secondary and didn’t distract from the fact that this was basically a film in which Frank drove a car very, very fast and kicked a great deal of ass. They were subtle touches and not forced down our throats. We weren’t for example—Oh—I don’t know--- forced to endure scenes of him playing guessing games with a kid. Why not? Because this was ultimately an action film.

Hell, the DVD case even has one of the most accurate reviews ever, care of 'The Sun', right there on the front, describing the film as "A montage of epic fight scenes". Anybody buying that DVD knows exactly what they’re gettin’! Again, number three, same thing, just a hell of a lot more polished. 'Transporter 2', has a similar quote from 'The Sun' on the front, as you can see. I can only assume the editor read the word 'shit' as 'stunt'.

This is sheer speculation, but 'Transporter 2' seems to be a response to all the Jason Statham fan girls who insist he should play Bond. The whole plot of 'Transporter 2' just feels like the basis of a really weak Bond film (Think any film in that post ‘Goldeneye’, pre ‘Casino Royale’ abyss) Hell, the only ‘plot’ we need for a Transporter film is as follows;

Frank transports a package.
Frank ends up in over his head. Probably after being set
up.
Frank uses his Tai-Chun-Fu to kick ass and get out of
trouble by having several fights with numerous goons.
Explosions and ridiculous set-pieces ensue.

Hell, the fourth Transporter film could be Frank trying to transport a pizza across town in thirty minutes or less, and as long as they had the right blend of stunts, extreme driving and some decent fight scenes when Frank has to fend off ninja assassins hired by the rival takeaway, I'd watch it. (Thanks Paramount, I'll eagerly be awaiting my script writing fee in the mail!)
It does look like the writers understand this mentality...at first! We have the kid Frank is chauffeuring (and playing goddamn guessing games with) getting kidnapped. Since Frank was forced to deliver the kid to the kidnappers the police naturally think he’s actually part of the kidnapping. So it looks like a simple game of cat and mouse…and...erm... dog. Frank tracking the kidnappers while avoiding the police. Fair enough. Nothing ground breaking but it’d be a valid excuse for explosions, car chases and fight scenes. And, honestly, that’s all I ask from my Transporter films.

It’s when the kidnappers return the kid, and use him as a viral ‘Trojan horse’ to infect a world peace summit (Or some such. I really couldn’t care less) that the film starts to go downhill. It becomes Frank’s race against time to retrieve a cure and, basically, ends up saving the entire free world. Let me repeat that: Frank…Ends. Up. Saving. The. Entire. Free. World. No! Just, no! Fuck you 'Transporter 2'! Frank is not the same as James Bond. Frank is not a super hero. Frank is a Transporter. It’s why the film’s called ‘The Transporter’! 'The Transporter is his job title, not his crime fighting, cape wearing, orphan saving alter ego! I know this is a sequel and you’re trying to up thestakes, but making Frank a super hero isn’t the right way to do it.

While I’m on the subject, let’s talk about Frank’s newly developed super powers. Here’s a tip for all you script writers out there, don’t include dialogue that highlights why your script sucks! Such as having a scientist confronting Frank with "So, you want to play super hero..." But rather than stop after highlighting one of this films key flaws he adds "let’s see if you can fly!" Helping to highlight just how utterly ridiculous the next thirty seconds of your life are gonna be, as you watch Frank leap from a window on (at least) the second floor, catching one of the two vials of antidote the scientist tossed, land on a taxi and still have enough strength, and presence of mind, to leap ten feet into the air to avoid being crushed between two cars, and then dodge traffic in a bid to retrieve the other vial. Think I caught all the reasons this scene sucks, but let’s make sure:

Sure, the entire Transporter franchise has been based on a suspension of disbelief, and ‘The Transporter’ and ‘Transporter 3’ both walked the line between that and utterly ridiculous nicely. Breathing in a man’s dying breathe to keep yourself from drowning? Sure, why not? Leaping from one half of a train to another in an Audi? Of course he can. He’s Frank Martin! Driving off a bridge and ending perfectly on the passing car transport, from where you shoot the release switch with a single shot, release your car and hit the ground running perfectly? As unbelievable as it was, I didn’t hate any of that. It was just the right level of over the top ridiculous, and felt like it was over the top to be entertaining rather than solely to make the film feel bigger, better and more extreme!

Which, again, underlines the problem with this film, it’s trying to be bigger and better than the original, but going about it in all the wrong ways. In the process it loses the charm of it’s predecessor but doesn’t possess the glossy finish of it’s successor. It ends up in limbo, and as such you don’t care about it anywhere near as much as the other two Transporter films. I mean that scene has a couple of saving graces, the knife in the leg was kinda cool, and Frank changing his shirt for a fresh poly-bagged one, like Adrian Monk on steroids, is vintage Transporter, but it’s not enough to save it from it’s attempts at extreme drama. Case in point: When did it start raining?! And when did those cars set on fire?! And that soundtrack...ARRGGGHHH! Someone a hell of a lot smarter than me...Or maybe it was Billy Connelly in a 'Columbo' film...once said 'You only notice music in a film if it's done badly'. I think this proves him right. I mean, what, was the biolab set up above a shitty technoclub or something?!

Just look to the car scenes, and their blatant, needless use of CGI and you'll see what I mean about trying too hard to be more extreme! In the chase scene where Frank and the main villain’s henchwoman/hitwoman/hooker (I’m not entirely sure which, and the way she dresses doesn’t exactly clear up the issue) are being pursued by the police, in the kidnapping scene.

Transporter 2’s henchwoman/hitwoman/hooker
I’m not sure if she’s here to shoot me or my load!

It starts looking like a fair enough effort, nothing too fancy, just like the chase through France in the first film. Until he drives to the top of a multi-storey car park, ‘But…’ I hear you ask ‘Where could he possibly go from there?’ Well obviously he leaps from the roof to the next building. It may not be any less believable than any of that other shit, but this I do hate. It just seems to break the flow of the movie, and say ‘Hey, look how much more extreme we are!’

To further, and not the least bit subtly underline that point, Frank is then confronted by a blatantly CGI police chopper that henchwoman/hitwoman/hooker shoots down in a blatantly CGI explosion (With three shots from a gun that couldn’t shoot through a wooden door not ten minutes ago in the doctors office scene…But let’s not go there). There’s no reason for it. The helicopter isn’t even there to create tension. It doesn’t have chance. It’s just an explosion for the sake of an explosion, which normally I’m a big fan of. But I don't like to feel like I'm being pandered to when I'm being pandered to. Plus, the dialogue that follows… Oh my God!

Henchwoman/hitwoman/hooker: I think we lost them.

Cue helicopter

Frank: Think again!

Cue blatant CGI explosion

Henchwoman/hitwoman/hooker: Thought complete. Let’s go.

Cheesy action movie dialogue is something else I'm normally a fan of, but seriously…! By comparison, even the chicken Kiev line from 'Transporter 3' is fuckin’ poetry! They say that if you give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters they could re-produce Shakespeare. However if you give just one monkey a typewriter, a bottle of Jack Daniel's and ADD, you get Transporter 2's dialogue.

That scene isn’t even the worst example of blatant CGI in attempts to make 'Transporter 2' more extreme! You want to drive anybody who’s a Transporter fan insane with rage? Ask how he got rid of the bomb on his car in the secondmovie…Go on, ask them. I'll sit here and discuss with your loved ones whether you had any specific requests for what they should do with your remains. Because this is how he got rid of the bomb on his car in the second movie:

…Seriously! Fuck you, Transporter 2!

Even the fight scenes don’t feel the same. Anybody who’s seen the first knows to expect a few set pieces using props, the scene at the bus depot springs instantly to mind as an example of this, and they do try to recapture that magic here, but it just doesn’t feel right. It feels more forced.

The main cause of this failure is probably their working so hard to say ‘hey, we’re a bigger, more serious more extreme Transporter, which, by comparison makes the scenes seem more slapstick. Most notably so here:

Wait…Seriously…Did he just K.O. a guy with a paint can? I’m sure I recognise that move from somewhere… But where…

When a film franchise tries to imitate Bond and fails, it’s sad. When a film franchise tries to imitate itself and fails? That’s just tragic.

In the interests of fairness I will say that the fight just prior to that is actually a nice set piece, although it’s still slightly ruined by the ending, in which a pipe that we see bend numerous times during the scene, even to a comical ‘boing’ sound effect when it’s used as a whip, is suddenly rigid enough that it’s used to run the final opponent through.

Similarly the Frank versus Shannon Biggs fight, after the point with Frank's diving punch while wearing the watermelon boxing gloves (God you have no idea how much I wish that was a typo!), is also quite good, although it is let down a little by shaky camera angles.

'It says here I'm wearing watermelon boxing gloves. Is that a---'

'No, Jason. It's not a typo.'

The scene with Frank making his escape from the house while taking out the police guards is another part that’s actually well handled, and probably the only other ~~fight scene~~ bit of the film that isn’t ultimately let down by something ridiculous (Watermelon boxing gloves?!). You see, The Transporter 2 does have moments where it does things right and you actually don’t mind watching it. In these moments you can pretend you’re watching the original film.

Sadly they’re too few and far between, and don’t last too long before the film does so many more things wrong that you’ll probably totally forget about them quicker than ADD monkey does the twenty digitcombination to release him from the cage where he's kept when he's halfway through his second bottle of Jack Daniels, because ten seconds later it'll do something ridiculous to make you totally forget.

Like try to imitate Bond. Badly! I like to imagine the script session for when Frank chases a bus on a jet ski (…Again, not a typo. You read that right. He chases a buson a jet ski!) probably went as follows:

"ooohhh ohhh ohh aggggghhh"

"Quiet ADD Monkey, I'm thinking.What else does Bond do?"

"There was that boat chase in ‘The World Is Not Enough'."

"Hey, that’s right Frank hasn’t driven a boatyet. Let’s have a boat chase…"

"No wait! We’ll use a jet ski. ‘cause they’re more extreme!"

"Y’know wht’d be really extreme if he was in the water, but chasing something on land."

"Radical!"

"Okkk-AAAAA-Awwwww"

---Before they all high-fived and called it a day, went to lunch and spent the afternoon skateboarding and trading Pokemon cards. And here’s the end result of that brainstorming:

Look, they even throw in a Bond-esque quip. "Tryin' to catch a bus"? "Tryin' to catch a bus"?! C'mon now ADD monkey,I know it's hard to concentrate, what with the catastrophic liver failure and all, but put the bottle down and at least pretend to put some effort into this thing! What about the equally terrible, but more original, "Making waves" or "Wait and Ski." maybe instead you could've gone with "Avoiding the rush hour" or, and this is my personal favourite: "Fuck, I don't know. Totally discrediting my film franchise and halving the number of people who'll be coming back for the third instalment."?

And maybe if Frank spent less time staring at jet skis and flags and more time actually… Y’know… Chasing the guy… He wouldn’t have had to do that needless stunt in the first place. I mean how did he figure that running away from the guy he’s chasing and sliding down a flag was the easiest way to catch him?

Also, what’s with the half-assed attempt at a chase from the police?! I honestly didn’t even notice the police chasing him ‘till I ripped the clip for the review. Y'know...My third viewing! No wonder you can so easily forget he's a fugitive in this film, I think the police did too! Here's a lesson for all you potential serial killers out there (I.E.: Anybody who's letter I've featured), go to Miami. It has the most easily avoided police force in the world. That probably explains how 'Dexter' got away with it, too!

You think the dialogue or huge plot holes are the worstparts of the script? Well I have made a damned convincing case, I guess if the whole agony uncle thing falls through I could try my hand at becomin' a lawyer. But before you make up your mind, and it is a close call, look at the poor handling of the characters in the film. If you can still call them characters if they don’t actually have any character. Because the truth is I just don’t care about these people. Gianni Chellini the evil mastermind of the film, who’s job it is to make me despise him is just far too two-dimensional for that to happen.

Look at the third movie. Watch the great performance Robert Knepper turns in as Frank’s opposite number and nemesis in that film. (To be fair Knepper is always fuckin' awesome as a villain, just watch 'Prison Break' and see for yourself.) He’s cold and calculating, but he isn’t this boring, two dimensional cliché. There is an actual interplay between his character and Frank, rather than just talking big at each other and trading ‘witty’ remarks.

But, without a doubt, the most gratuitous mis-handling of a character goes to Inspector Tarconi. He’s gone from the interesting character torn between helping Frank and keeping his job to this comic relief deliverer of exposition. One, or both, of those things is all he does in this film. We never even get to see him interact with Frank except over the phone, which is a shame because the chemistry between Statham and Berléand is one of my favourite things about the series.

But, back to the subject of Chellini, the evil mastermind behind the terrible and quite convoluted terrorist plot. The first time we see him he’s taking on numerous opponents in a training session. A cliché scene that we’ve seen a million times before. So to make it stand out from all those that came before it, Chellini does an extreme leap at the end. All it’s really missing is a blatantly CGI explosion.

Seriously, what was that? Like, twenty feet in the air? And what the hell was that crap with the mask all about?! That move---fuck, the entire fight scene, seems to disregard the laws of logic and physics. And I can't ignore the fact that there's no way in hell that punch connected. No matter how much jack Daniel's ADD Monkey and I share.

I guess this is all meant to be in the back of our mind so when he and Frank finally square off it’s amply foreshadowed how great a fighter Chellini is. But in the final fight between Frank and Chellini on the (Blatantly CGI) airplane that’s plummeting into the ocean…And by now you realise that whenever I say something ridiculous like that they aren’t typos, right? The final battle of the film actually takes place on an airplane as it drops from the sky into the ocean. How extreme is that?!

Actually not very, as said fight is too badly handled for there to be any real tension. The same can be said for the entire conclusion, which is just a montage of cookie cutter action movie clichés. Which, once again, wouldn’t be such a problem except for the fact the entire film has been trying to convince me it’s a serious rival to Bond, James Bond.

Firstly we see Frank speed after a helicopter, managing to keep up with it in his car. During said chase, he skips under a toll barrier, because, evidently he’s too extreme to pay the toll, and weaves through the middle of a live news report on a police chase (Again, I’ll put my hands up to thinking this is a nice touch. It still makes me chuckle.)

Eventually he makes it to the air strip, just as Chellini’s plane is taking off. So he speeds down the strip, catching it up. Again, we’ve never ever seen that anywhere. Ever. Cut to the interior and then back outside to see the car hit a ‘Miami’ sign and explode. This is meant to create tension and make us wonder if Frank made it or not (Gee! I wonder…) and does so just as well as the police helicopter...I mean the boat chase...I mean... Fuck it, let's move on!

Inside Frank (Oh my God! He made it! Phew!) breaks the co-pilot’s neck. No questions. That could’ve just been an innocent air line employee that Chellini hired for this one flight and hadn’t even seen before today, for all Frank knows. Did he learn nothing from the 'nobody thinks of ahenchmen's family' scenes in Austin Powers?! In his defence, by this point, Frank was probably just too pissed at still being in the film to actually give a crap.

As Frank confronts Chellini himself, we get, another Bond moment ( Two if you count Frank's 'clever' quip of 'flight's cancelled' . I don't because it'd just encourage ADD Monkey to write more) as Frank stands square in the aisle, giving Chellini a perfectly clear shot at him! But instead of taking it, Chellini invites him to sit down and share a (notably unpoisioned) brandy. Now before you science nerds break out the cabin pressure argument I’ll let you know that Chellini fires a shot a couple of seconds later, accidentally killing the pilot and spelling his own certain death, sure. But not causing any decompression.

Oh my God! Just fucking shoot him!
...Or me. I don't car at this point.

This is when the final ‘Gripping’ fight breaks out. But instead of being the extreme no holds barred finale they were aiming for, it just seems more slapstick as the two tumble around in the cabin as the plane spirals out of the sky. The choriography reminds me of a horny drunken teen on prom night and the soundtrack could easily be replaced with Benny Hilly's theme tune without taking away any of the drama.

I’ve already admitted to liking some of the fight scenes so I know the 'Transporter 2' team know how to stage them if they try. They just don’t seem to be trying here. Or maybe, as they have with the entire movie, they’re trying too hard. Either way, Frank wins, easily forgettable epilogues ensue, and I vow never to watch this film again. For the third time.

And there you have it: 'Transporter 2' in a nutshell. It could’ve been a good film, if it’s reach didn’t extend it’s grasp. And that’s what hurts the most; the knowledge that with a little more effort, and if they’d have gone a bit further either way; towards being a serious thriller or towards being an all action bloke movie, it probably would’ve been enjoyable. Rather than end up looking like this terrible and unenjoyable mis-match of the two.

But ultimately the schizophrenic nature of the film lets it down too much. It tries to be a more serious blockbuster film that’s like Bond, but more extreme (…which totally worked for ‘Triple X’, right?) but falls back on too many all bloke action movie clichés for me truly to believe it. As such a lot of what would’ve worked for 'The Transporter' ends up failing miserably for 'Transporter 2'.

That’s a shame, because there’re still a few good moments, and nice touches that I’ve mentioned, and some of the charm of the original is still present. But it’s all buried far too deep, and under too many poorly considered attempts to be bigger, better and more extreme than the first film. Ultimately there’s not enough of them to make it worth watching, so watch the other two, and avoid this one like the deadly air borne virus that is the start of it’s own undoing.

Better than:

XXX
XXX2

The Happening

Worse than:

The Transporter

Transporter 3

Watching a drunken monkey with ADD try to type Shakespeare

Look Who's Come Crawling Back...!

2011-10-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've decided that it's time to cowboy up and get around the technical issues that are plaguing the new site. So I'll be using this again as a temporary measure until I get the re-launch organised. Meanwhile you can keep up to date by following me on both Twitter and Facebook.
But not MySpace. Never MySpace! I know it's been over a year, but there is new material on the way. Starting with an upcoming review this Halloween...

So be sure to spread the word. 'cause Dear Jimmy's back!

Farewell Blogger!

2008-12-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

This is it. Barring any internet disasters this is the last time I'll be posting here on Blogger. But that doesn't mean this is the end of 'Dear Jimmy'... Oh no my friends! This is infact a new beginning, because as of about an hour ago www.dearjimmy.co.uk went live. So what're you waiting for? Go check out the awesome new site!
Edit: Due to technical difficulties this post is currently filthy filthy lies.

Jimmy World News #1

2008-12-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome to the first edition of Jimmy World News. A special, semi-regular feature where I turn my trademark cynicism to the world of news and current affairs.

Britney mimes for live performances?

The BIG news at the moment, screw the recession that could destroy the world economy as you so much as breath on it too heavily is that Britney Spears is the centre of controversy surrounding her return for her exile from the music world (That’s a polite way of saying she went nutso. It’s like when your dog dies and your parents say he’s gone to live on a farm. Yep.I hate to break it to you but Mister Pawington is actually dead), after she has been caught miming performances that were supposed to be live. No way. No fucking way! Really? Do ya think?!

What’s the matter with the people who are complaining about this? Have they not heard ‘Womaniser’? It’s so digitised that it sounds more like Stephen Hawking has finally launched his music career. They do realise that there is no way in hell that somebody is going to sound like that live without eating an entire synthesiser. Now you may be expecting me to jump on the bandwagon and make the obvious ‘Britney/fat’ joke that my previous statement sets up…..But I don’t think they’re entirely accurate. Sure she added a few pounds and after years of seeing her like this….

then maybe seeing her with a ‘real person’ figure would come as a bit of a shock. But you can’t honestly tell me that this is what we class as morbidly obese nowadays?

I’m not about to break into a chorus of Mika or anything like that (mainly because the guy’s a complete knob as far as I’m concerned) but my point is, there are women in the music industry who it’d be fairer to make fat jokes about.
For example (and this is especially for those of you who spent hundreds of hours and millions of pounds on therapy repressing this….)

Chinese dumbass attacked by panda…
Zoo employee interferes with natural selection

In Southern China a twenty year old man, that’s right twenty years old, that’s old enough to read, scaled the fence surrounding a panda enclosure ignoring the signs that read ‘Don’t go in there or the Panda’s gonna freakin’ kill you dead!’. Why would he do that you ask? Well apparently he said the panda ‘looked so cute’ and wanted to hug it. The feeling wasn’t mutual however as Yingyang, the panda, began biting at the man’s arms and legs. Maybe he was startled by seeing an intruder in his territory or maybe he sensed that the gene pool would be better off without him. I can only speculate as Yingyang was unavailable for comment. Incidentally if anybody cares (NO!) the man was saved by a zoo employee before he was freakin’ killed dead. Darwin would be spinning in his grave right now!

Ronaldo Handball controversy

Now I don’t pretend I’m a football expert and I’m diving in at the deep end and taking my life in my own hands by discussing Manchester United and the controversial red card that Ronaldo received after his handball this week. But I believe it was a legitimate understanding, I mean right from the start He has clearly and consistently explained that he heard a whistle and thought that play had stopped. And that he was pushed. And that he was defending his face. And that he thought Micah Richards had been injured when he heard him shout. And that an older boy made him do it. And that it was like that when he got there. And that he was temporarily possessed by an evil spirit and had no control over his body. And that there was a small remote control plane inside the ball that caused it to veer off the course he was expecting it to take and onto his hand instead. And that he had a flashback to his holidays and assumed he was playing volleyball. And that he was actually raising his hand to swat a mosquito for fear that it might bite him and he’d contract malaria. And that he was ACTUALLY just shielding his eyes from the sun. And that he was simply waving at a frail old lovable granma in the crowd. And that-……. Nope. That’s it for now. But expect ‘Ronaldo’s handball excuses’ to become another semi regular item here at this rate.

H? C? Where's L?

2008-12-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

Well here we go with another episode of 'Dear Jimmy', as I shine a small ray of hope upon another group of otherwise hopeless losers. Subject of losers....

Basically i've been chasing after this girl called Amy for roughly four months and I think I've fallen in love with her, she broke up with her boyfriend about the time i took an interest in her so naturally when i asked her out she said she "wasn't ready for a commitment yet" then assured me that it wasn't me it was her. So I gave her, her space but literally Yesterday I discovered that she has a new boyfriend and when i confronted her about it she says that she "never knew I felt so stongly" towards her but i made it clear that i liked her in that way. But what makes it worse is that she has chosen to go out with a complete jackass, the guy Stefan is just such an idiot, he has these "random sex facts" which I'll admit are pretty funny but can be pretty disgusting, he's also a complete fatass the dude weighs like 17 stone at 16 years old and he's just generally annoying. So what should I do? should i wait for her to see what I see about him? should I intervene? or what should I do?

Y'know, if Stefan is as bad as you make him out to be then that must make you a total loser for losing out to him. The fact that you fell for the whole 'it's not you it's me spiel' leads me to think this is the case. But don't worry, here's what you should do: Aim low. Really low! Aim so low that becoming gay and asking Stefan out is a step up from what you actually end up dating.

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I currently rent a 2 bedroom apartment in my home town, which I share with my friend H. H moved in about 6 months ago, after a short friendship of 3 months. Once H moved in, we became very close, always out with one another, eating out, having nights in etc. Then I met my boyfriend C. Since me meeting C, I have really tried not to alter mine and H's relationship, but obviously I have not been able to spend every minute with her now. But I think I do a good balance between the both of them!I am now looking at buying a house, under the impression that H would move it with me. However, she has obviously done some thinking and has decided not to move in because C will be around quite a bit, which admittedly he will be. It just seems so hard to have a nice evening in with the both of them, as there is an unbearable silence, or she will walk out an spend the evening on the phone. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm starting to think it's for the best if she doesn't move in with me. Am I being harsh or is she being unfair and how I should handle it?

You don’t like H because she makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home (personally I don’t like H because of the god awful music he released in his ‘Steps’ days, but unto each their own) and she doesn’t want to move into your next home. Sounds to me like the problem has solved itself to me. And all without me having to recycle the ‘Death note’ reference.

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i want to get a girlfriend go on dates get married have kids and grandkids etc thats what i want to do so so muchbut...the only thing that turns me on and i mean onlyis menhow do i stop this? i wouldnt even think about having a relationship with a mani dont want to feel these feelings, is there a way to isolate or get rid of them?

Electroshock therapy? Chemical castration? Other than that no. You’re attracted to dudes and there’s nothing you can do about it. The GOOD news is that this is 21st century and so you will not be locked up in prison developing your Razor sharp sense of irony and end up writing timeless classics like Oscar Wilde. Hell here in the 21st century you could be attracted to fish, cars or household appliances and there’d still be a million sites on the internet catering to your fetish.

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My boyfriend is always asking me 2 talk dirty 2 him about me sleeping with other men. Not when i wasnt with but now. He likes me 2 pretend 2 have slept with different men when i last have gone on a night out. It makes me wonder if he cares about me as i could never get turned on by the thought of him cheating on me. Is this a normal male fantasy? I'd love 2 get a male view point on this as well as some other females. Thanks x

Well it does sound unusual to me, but unto each their own. At least he’s not asking you to dress up as a fish, or a microwave or something. But if you really care for this man I suggest you become a prostitute. That way not only can you regale him with tales of your street walking exploits but will have some extra cash to buy him presents, such as the penicillin he’ll need to clear up all the STD’s you’ll be passing along to him (Tell him to think of them as extra little presents).

Well, that's it from me. I'm off to peruse those Fish fetish sites...For the purposes of research. Honest.

Oh, millenium!

2008-11-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

..because nothing says I'm 'down with the kids' and current trends like a Robbie Williams reference. Word. But seriously, I made it. a thousand hits. They said I wouldn't. They said I was mad. They tried to sent Tommy Lee Jones to stop me, forcing me to jump off a waterfall-- Okay a fugitive reference now? I better get to some letters before I make anymore dated 90's references.So let's go....

...COWABUNGA!

My name is Amanda and I'm a single 25 year old woman residing in Alaska. I've been with my boyfriend a little over 3 months. I said I love you a couple weeks ago and he said that he couldn't say it because he wasn't ready and he doesn't know what love is.
That hurts. no one wants to say I love you and not hear it in return. I think he does love me, I see it in the way that he looks at me and holds me and wants to be with me a lot. We have a great time together. He has said it a couple times when he was drunk but he won't say it besides that.
I want to be with him but it's been like 3 weeks since I said it and I don't know how long I should wait to hear it back. I think when he started dating me he didn't expect to like it this much and he had plans to travel and not settle down right away and if he says he loves me then it makes it that much more of a committment to walk away from.
I don't know though, and an outside perspective would certainly be appreciated.

You're a needy bitch who only said 'I love you' because you needed to hear it back and thought you would. there's your outside perspective.

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I'm in a deep dilemma. I believe I've found someone and I'm beginning to falll for him, likewise he's feeling the same way too. We've been dating for about a month though we've known each other for 10 years but the connection then was just a greet or 'hello'. The problem is he does not know that I'm divorced. My marriage lasted 6 months and I don't have any children. I wanted to be honest and tell him the truth since we started dating but on the other hand I'm so afraid of losing him. How can I confess the truth to him without hurting him and yet make him accept who I am? When will be the most suitable time for that? I've failed in my first relationship and I don't want to be disappointed again. I'm so deeply in love with him.

Right, before I help with this penny ante bullshit you should probably tell me about your deep dilemma.
--Oh! you mean that was---Ha! seriously what's the--- Oh that really is it? Oh my God! why does nobody expect other people to have a history anymore?!

People's lives don't start from the instant they meet 'the one'. (Nor do they end two months later when it all falls apart and they realise they weren't 'The one', but you'll get to learning that soon enough) Just freaking tell him! If you're really that nervous get him good and liquored up first. That way when he doesn't remember you can at least rationalise to yourself that you told him, and it'll stop your whining.

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I don't know who to ask this to, I hope it doesn't sound too dumb. I'm 29, GWM, in California. I recently started dating this guy who I really like but he's kind of a nudist. He's 36, great job, great place and really handsome and caring. The first night I spent at his place, we had sex and it was great, then we both went to bed naked, I know lots of guys sleep naked, including me. But in the morning, when we got up he just went about his business nude, making coffee, some breakfast and everything without putting on anything. It's been like that every time we've gotten together. Even more so now when we're spending more time together. In the evenings sometimes he watches TV nude when I'm there. So is this normal? Am I just being a prude or what? It just bothers me because I wonder what is ok and what is not.
Thanks for any help you can give me.

Okay...wait...so you can go inside his naked body but you can' sit and watch TV next to his naked body?..Is that it? You are either a prude or a moron. Possibly both.

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I wonder if you could advise about the repeated pattern below:
I am 50 [but guys say I look 40] no kids, divorced since 1981, never remarried, but have had one 7 year and one 5 year relationship. I'm a very independent professional of Mediterranean background. Thus I have a combination of modern [hippie era] and traditional values [Latino-Catholic].
But I seem to have the same pattern for all relationships: They court me, attract my interest, then after I am "won over" they forget about me and I'm 'stuck' emotionally until I withdraw or move on to lick my wounds. Then I start alll over again.
I have worked very hard on self-esteem and personal growth. But, still no improvement in guys that I'm attracting.
What gives?
How can I change things? ...it's all like a re-occurring nightmare! I'd love to have a man CARE for me in the way that I need to be cared for.
Hope to hear from you soon...

And I hope to never hear from you again. Considering you're independent and work very hard on your self-esteem...You're kinda a needy flake. Here's the problem--It's not the way you NEED to be cared for it's the way you WANT to be cared for. When you realise that then you might have the guts to turn away the first guy who says you only look 47 and wait for something better than the guys who want to check out JUST how effective his newly prescribed Viagra actually is.

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Which are better, cats or dogs?

?! ---- Oh screw this noise! I'm outta here!

It's on the wing.....It's on the wing!

2008-11-03T13:43:00.001-08:00

Okay, sorry guys, I'm a couple days late, blame the gremlin in Internet explorer that I only just managed to evict. Since you've all waited long enough let's get on with this column shall we?

I am a new member of a small, local organization. We have an email group. Occasionally a member will post information that has nothing directly to do with the organization, usually political in nature. These political emails and petitions offend me. They in no way reflect my beliefs and politics. What should I do?

Oh. MY. GOD! who the hell allowed people to speak freely on the internet?! I suggest you help me in a crusade to not only found that scoundrel and hang him by his nuts with a rusty nail, but also shut down any web page that could be considered the least bit offensive by anybody in the world ever....leaving only wholesome, informative pages like this one.

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When I was much younger, I made a terrible mistake. I stole about $100.00 worth of clothes from a department store near my house. I had long since forgotten about it until one day recently I went by the store and felt a terrible sense of guilt. I now know that stealing violates one of the Ten Commandments. I can't even walk past the store anymore without feeling a sense of shame and guilt. I am thinking about going to the store and "confessing" and giving them the value of the clothes, but I don't want to got to jail for theft. I am really torn up inside about the right thing to do. Can you give me some advice?

Yes. Yes I can. You should burn down that clothing store. That'd teach it. sitting there. Mocking you. Knowing what you'd done. It's like that story about the Telltale Heart. Well they won't catch you. Not like him. Oh no! You'll show them. Now go forth. Show that stupid store just how bad a decision crossing you was. Girl power! I assume you're a girl because:
a) a bloke would steal cool electronic stuff and
b) he wouldn't care! the y-chromosome makes us unable to feel any kind of guilt.

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My sister-in-law is from a different country. When she breastfeeds my nephew she just opens up and pulls her breast out and feeds the baby. My family and friends aren't really used to that method. Whether we are visiting her at home or out and about, she will just pop them out. I have not quite been able to come up with a way to talk to her about this.

Is she a MILF in law? Because if so the best way to deal with this is to send her round to my place whenever you're gonna have company. She doesn't even have to bring the baby. Just her boobs.

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I am really stressing about college. I haven’t received my acceptances yet from the colleges I applied to and I am worried that I will not get into any of them. I need ways to stop my stress. HELP ME!!

Well, there's always drinking yourself into oblivion. That seems to be an old favourite. But if you're going to college you may prefer developing a drug addiction, this will be good practise for if you DO actually get accepted. other options include meaningless sex with strangers you pick up in nightclubs, self harm and pushing it deep, deep down until it becomes a burning rage that explodes at the slightest provocation. But ultimately you need to follow your own heart when making a choice like this.

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How much does liposuction cost? 2,000-10,000 dollars?

It can be very expensive. Instead I recommend you develop anorexia. That actually SAVES you money, because you buy less food, and has similar results.

Okay, I'm going alone and unarmed into the basement to hunt down the hideous gremlin now, so if I survive I'll be back soon.

Special #1: 21 clues he's cheating (but only if you're a paranoid bitch!)

2008-10-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, this started as one of those 'dating advice' articles that are all over the Internet (People think anybody can give advice nowadays, not just trained professionals like me), then I got my hands on it. The logic is so full of holes I just had to share it. So, introduction over...enjoy!

1. The person never invites you to dinner in his or her neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior. Basically, this person doesn’t want to be seen when out with you.
that's actually because you're butt-ugly. And a paranoid bitch. And NOBODY wants to be seen out with a butt ugly paranoid bitch.

2. Your date prefers to stay at your apartment—giving you lame excuses for why you can’t come over to his or her place. Maybe if you did, you’d figure out the real deal—fast!
And has nothing to do with him being too lazy to hide his porn, plastic vagina and blow up dolls with Lindsay Lohan's face stuck on them.

3. Your new honey pushes you to sleep together very, very quickly. (This might be because his or her paramour is conveniently out of town, and this person doesn’t want to waste the free night’s opportunity.)
because normally sex is the very last thing on a guys mind.

4. Some of the compliments bestowed on you sound trite and memorized, like… “You are just a little bit irresistible.” Or this person pulls you close, and says, “Why are you standing so far away from me?” If your date walks and talks like a player, he or she could indeed be a player!
Basically, ladies, if a bloke compliments you, Ever, It means he's cheating on you. That's what this article wants you to believe.

5. Your sweetie goes on a lot of business trips—even on weekends. Leading a double life, anyone?
Well now you mention it he DOES look a bit like Superman--But--N'ah! He wears glasses and Superman has a spit curl. He couldn't possibly be.

6. When away on business, this new love of yours doesn’t provide details about what activities are occurring—and doesn’t share the name and phone number of a hotel, either. Um, maybe because your special someone isn’t away on business?
Because most couples always discuss flow dynamics, investment programmes and pie charts. I know it gets me in the mood.

7. You start to notice that your new honey prefers to email you rather than call you. (This could be because his or her partner is in the other room.)
Or it could be that it saves him having to listen to your paranoid bitch mind analysing absolutely every faucet of the conversation as it takes place searching for clues that he is in fact cheating on you in your winy paranoid bitch voice. You paranoid bitch.

8. Often when this person calls you, the calls are (a) kept short, (b) end abruptly, and/or (c) conducted in a barely audible voice. All signs that someone else may be in the picture.
Or that he feels uncomfortable about your insisting on phone sex when he's working late and you miss him, while he's trying to conduct a meeting with the board of directors. Maybe?

9. When you first meet this love interest, you’re only given a work number—and getting a cell-phone number is very slow-going… (probably out of fear that you’ll call when he or she is out with the significant other).
Or that you'll turn out to be a needy bag of neuroses, a stalker and/or a paranoid bitch. This makes it easier to brush you off.

10. Your new love is rarely available on weekends or national holidays — claiming business needs — or that family crisis.
How dare he?! You're the only family he'll ever need.

11. Your sweetie is always at work late… hmm.
how dare he, again! Now he's trying to further his career far enough, and work enough hours, to actually earn enough money to be able to afford to buy all the crap you insist that he buys or else you label him as cheap?! That bastard!

12. This person is very vague with details about past relationships. (This could be because an “ex-paramour” is actually a now-paramour.)
Because women LOVE hearing all about your exes, in as explicit detail as possible. FACT! If you can mention the sex life the two of you had, even better!

13. Your new honey repeats the same stories—because he or she has forgotten who’s been told what.
...because if the story stays the same, and doesn't change to something totally different then it blatantly must be a lie. just look at the bible.

14. When spending time with you, this person has frequent excuses to go for little walks with cell phone in hand. For example, your sweetie may claim to make a business call and that there’s bad cell phone reception where you are sitting. Or your new love seems to go to the restroom far too frequently—and for far too long. This is a sign that the individual is working on covering for the fact that he or she is out with you!
You may think at first that the terrible food has just given him the runs, or he simply needs a break from your paranoid bitchiness, but don't be fooled! he's actually sneaking out to a different restaurant through the bathroom window where he is on another date, with another woman, simultaneously. Many hi-jinks, humorous misunderstandings and double-entendres ensue. just like in Happy Days. that's why when he sits back down you hear booing, hissing and cries of 'OOHHHHHH!'.
AAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

15. When with you, he or she doesn’t want to pick up certain calls in your presence. Gee, wonder why not?
Because you so totally wouldn't be pissed if he interrupted dinner to go into a 90-minutes discussion over which way the company's business model should go for the new year with his boss.

16. This person is constantly online, even when with you, checking emails. And if you come close when he or she is online, poof! The window on the computer is immediately closed so you can’t see what was going on.
I'll tell you, he's writing an e-mail to 'Dear Jimmy' asking what the hell he should do about his paranoid bitch of a girlfriends who he hates but the angry angry sex is fantastic with.

17. Your date never ever leaves his or her cell phone or BlackBerry out where you might see it. It provides too many clues!
Because he doesn't want your paranoid bitch hands deleting the temptation of any female numbers from his address book, including his mother, sister and 87 year-old secretary with cleavage down to her knees and a lazy eye, while he's taking a leak.

18. Your date’s co-workers or friends seem a bit uncomfortable in your company.
That's just because he's told them that you're a paranoid bitch and he hates you, but can't leave you because the angry sex is fantastic.

19. You find out this person has friends who are players. (Often a group of immoral friends can work as a support system for each other’s immoral activities.)
I have friends who are women. that doesn't mean I'm gonna grow breasts and my penis is gonna drop off. (At least I hope it doesn't!)

20. You find out that your honey bunny cheated in past relationships. Statistically speaking, cheaters are suspect for cheating again.
Because they suffer a compulsion to do so. Just like alcoholics, gamblers and drug addicts. And you don't see support groups offering them a chance to turn their lives around and change their ways now, do you?

21. You're a paranoid bitch and nobody could ever love you. At all. Ever.

Well there you go folks. Hope you enjoyed that, because I enjoyed doing something a bit different. Let me know in the comments what you thought and whether or not you'd like to specials on a more regular basis. In the meantime, the regular format is back in another ten days, so see you then.

Ding Ding: Round Twelve!

2008-10-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

..And I'm still updating this thing on schedule (although, admittedly in cases like tonight only by 51 minutes)....here's some letters!

I have been with my fiance for almost 8 yrs we are 27 and 28. We get married next aug. I am such a bitch and know it but dont know how to change it!
He is such a relaxed passive person and im quite the opposite i like things planned and like to know what im doing. I make lists to get things done and usually stick to it. I get so annoyed when i ask him to do something and he doesnt do it, like planning for the wedding, i feel im doing it all and he just takes that for granted, but then im a total bitch to him and i mean i can be very hurtful. Im always sorry afterwards but its just not good enough. I can be cruel about his weight too as that gets me down as he is supposed to be getting fit for the wedding but never goes to the gym so i get annoyed and make snide remarks!!!! Argh i know its terrible!
I really do want to change as i know im horrible to him and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me. Its not always like this we do get along too but everything is just so hard at the moment.
Any advice really welcome xx

Well I assumed you've also been a total bitch for the past 18 years as well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Since he has asked you to marry him, and all!
The real issue is that your fiance is obviously a closet submissive BDSM freak who wants you to tie him up, sodomise him with a blender and tell you what a bad, bad boy he is. So if you're really feeling guilty the best thing would probably for you to pack a leather dominatrix outfit and a ball gag for the honeymoon and make it up to him the old fashioned way: Apology sex.

Hi. My boyfriend fingered me for the first time tonight. Not just the first time with him, my first time ever, and it really hurt and felt uncomfortable. I didn't expect that to hurt! Why did it? Is this normal? I'm still a virgin by the way. I would expect me losing my virginity to hurt a bit, but I didn't think that would have. What went wrong?

It is not natural for this to hurt the first time at all, anybody who says it is is just covering for your boyfriend and so either hates you and wants to see you in more pain or he paid them off. Sadly your boyfriend is either massively incompetent, or a genius.
He either had no idea what he was doing down there because all he's used to his fingers doing to playing Guitar Hero on his DS and he assumed that you would be stimulated in a similar manner, and expected his sharp, rough, clumsy jabbings and stabbing to be met with cries of 'cool' 'awesome' and 'you rock!'
or he only acted like he didn't know what he was doing so that you would never again want him to satisfy your needs and so all that was left was for you to give him all the hand- and blow jobs he could handle.
I recommend you return the favour by making those as rough as you possibly can. Don't be afraid to use your teeth during the blow jobs. Which ever case, this is the simplest way to let him know he did wrong.

Hi,
Me and my partner have been going out for just over a year. Sex was always amazing !! we both were very wild and had sexy every day, loadssss over weekends etc however lately im just really not in the mood for sex... i cant be bothered with that much activity... im finding it hard to get in the mood lately. Dont get me wrong god i love him like crazy he is the sexiest lad ever GORGEOUS. its just me, whats wrong with me wheres my sex drive gone ? :( xxx

Have you checked under the bed? Whenever I lose something it's always under my bed. Of course when I ever lose anything it's porn, so it's always under there. Nevertheless you should look under his bed. Even if you don't find your sex drive you may find his secret porn stash, and then you have an excuse to not have to have sex with him.

I am a Company Secretary, one of the Directors of the Company opened a letter addressed to me. Under English law is this illegal and what is the penalty?

Treason, and he can be hanged. Forcing him to go on the run and start a blog where he helps people while staying one step ahead of the military, which kinda makes him like the A-Team of problem pages. Trust me, I know this from experience

Q. OK this question is a little embarressing...I'm only 16 and i defeinitely want to wait to have sex till i'm married but i want to try masturbating..is that bad? Do girls my age do that? Is that normal? Also what about vibrators?..i dont know much about them..am i to young to use one? wow this is embaressing but please help...i can't talk to my parents about this..

A. So you posted your embarrassing question on the world wide web that covers the whole wide world instead? Where everybody in the entire wide world (The clue's in the name: World Wide Web) can read about it?
I think Masturbation is the way forward for you. Because I do not want you having actual sex. ever. Because I do not want you passing your genes down to future generations. At all. Ever!

Okay, with those lessons learned I think next post I'll be back with something slightly different.
See ya in ten.

Ladies night

2008-09-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

Today we seem to have an all female line-up this week. Not through a carefully and well thought out selection process, it just seems that Space were onto something when they sang about the female of the species being more needy than the male. (shock shock horror horror)

Q. The bride/groom of a wedding wanted to set me up with a great guy from New York that they thought I would "hit it off with." He was single and "looking." Because he came recommended I let my guard down (got a wee bit tipsy) and told him I thought he was cute. He returned the favor, and by evening's end we engaged in steamy kisses and innocent fooling around. I told him I visit NY often and he took my number. The problem: I cannot stop thinking of those "hot" stolen moments, but have not heard from him. I'm confused. Did I kiss him too soon? Does he not like me? Is it a distance thing? What went wrong?

A. Go into your bathroom. Now take a look in the mirror. There's your answer. Why do you think you were single to begin with?

Q. My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago over the phone. For the last 9 months we were together, I felt uncomfortable about telling him what was lacking in the relationship due to fear of losing him. I finally got up the courage to share my wants and needs with him 2 months ago. Unfortunately, I did not receive any feedback nor see any improvement. He never opened up with me, so I started constantly reminding him about my feelings (and no, I don't believe I was nagging). He finally gave up and told me that he was unable to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. I felt wounded and even had the urge to ask him to reconsider. But I thought about it and realized that he may never be able to open up with me, so I decided to let it go.
I'd like to know what really went wrong in our relationship in order to move on and I have a feeling that there were issues he would not address. In order to find closure, I suggested we meet this weekend, which he agreed to. My question is- considering that he seems to have difficulty sharing his feelings (even when he tried to break up with me on the phone he sounded apprehensive), how do I get him to open up and share his honest feelings with me?

A. Okay, firstly the problem may not be that he's not sharing enough of his feelings as much as you're sharing way too many of your own and are coming across as needy and insecure. And guys hate that in chicks. So my advice to you is whenever you feel anything. And I mean ANYTHING! repress it. Push it deep deep down until you are alone and able to vent it without embarrassing yourself. May I suggest weeping uncontrollably into a pillow, or that old favourite, self harm?

Q. I’m a 29-year-old female whose once active social life has been slowly disappearing. Many of my friends are now married and some of them have at least one child. As they became coupled and got married our friendships changed. Their time suddenly seemed to be available only to their partners and to gatherings with other COUPLES. I am rarely invited to these and have felt unpopular, alone and forgotten. I hate the way I am feeling and the fact that I have no control over losing my friendships. What can I do?

A. This is obvious. Their spouses and significant others are in direct competition for your friend's attentions....so eliminate them! Your local library should have plenty of crime books, both fiction and reference, so do your research first and don't repeat the mistakes you read about. As a friendly pointer to get you started; most females prefer poisoning, as they are far too girly and soft to use a masculine method like shooting/stabbing/beating with their own dismembered leg.

Q. I’m a girl who is really strong on rules when it comes to guys. When I was younger, I was more naive and didn’t understand men or realize the importance of playing “hard to get.” Then I read the book “The Rules,” which led me to change my views on how I should interact with the men I date. Essentially, it taught me to treat a guy I like the way I would treat a guy I don’t like- because the men that women aren’t interested in always seem to be very attracted to them and vice versa. Therefore, in order to win the guy you really want - you have to appeal to that competitive side of him that causes him to want what he can’t have. Some of the ways that I play it cool are to never call men that I meet and/or keep myself “busy”, so that I have little available time to go out.
When I follow these rules they work well for me. My problem is that I met this man at a function the other night during which I foolishly had too much to drink. He asked me back to his place and I went. We didn’t sleep together, but we did kiss quite a bit and talked until 9 in the morning, when he gave me a ride back to my place. Over the past two days we have been emailing each other and last evening he said repeatedly that he can’t stop thinking about me and can’t wait until he sees me again. He then asked me out for a drink this week-end. My “rules” usually prohibit me from going for a drink on a first date because I believe the man would take me out for dinner if he were really interested. I really like this guy but fear that his attraction to me will be less because I went to his house the other night. Should I tell him I am busy and cancel the date? I don’t want to appear too eager and ruin something that I think could be great.

A. I have two very important pieces of advice. Firstly burn that freaking book and any other self-help empowerment crap in your home...No! make that home-town. Secondly Quit whatever the hell you do now and become a dominatrix. Not only does this pay better (unless what you do now is Sir Alan Sugar's apprentice) but it will allow you to fulfill your freaky controlling power trip in a controlled environment ( Because remember kiddies, real life doesn't have safewords!) and treat this relationship as individual, like a normal person would, rather than following your stupid rules, that,since you're still single, obviously weren't working anyway!

Well with that I'm off to try get this damned space song out of my head.

Dear jimmy- Nothing to do with Sophie Ellis Bextor lyrics

2008-09-19T01:20:00.002-07:00

Well now that that's clarified (thank you very much google!)I would just like to welcome anybody who found this thing through the Projectwonderful ads I took out (now that I've decided to stop being a cheap bum) aboard. Hope you enjoy it and will be sticking around. So grab a seat, get comfy and let's get to the letters, shall we?

I have been reading your column for over 5 years and it has helped me with my relationships tremendously. I have just married the love of my life this past month. We are both 28 years old from NY and this is both our first marriage.
We have been together for over four years. My problem that I am exteremly jealous of my husbands past. When he was in college he lived with his girlfrend for 3 years. They went on many vacations together, had pets, their familes were close etc. It feels to me that even though they weren't married, it was very close to it. Now that was are living together for the first time now I can see how close they were, and it is making me jealous. Every "first" we have doesn't feel special to me because he already had that with someone else.
Its tearing me up inside, its even affecting our sex life because whenever I want to be intimate with him I think of all they have done and I get turned off. I know he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. Please, I need some advice how to get over this!

Well that's great to hear, especially since I've only been doing this thing for a couple months. But let's not dwell on that. Or your terrible grammar. I mean: 'Now that was are living together for the first time now'? If this is such an important letter you'd think you'd proof read it first! Let us, instead, focus on your problem. Since it matters to you that you're the first and there's nobody before you to get jealous of, may I suggest you ditch the relationship you've nurtured over four years and instead rob the cradle get yourself an 12-year-old toyboy? That way everything you do would be a first. Simple when you think about it.

I need some advice, and definitely some perspective on a relationship problem. I am very much in love with a kind and wonderful man and am getting married next month. We are both 30.
About three weeks ago I borrowed his computer, and found that he had been looking at a significant number of pornographic websites. This is not a big deal for me, I know it is normal, and every past boyfriend I've had has admitted to looking at porn.
However, my fiance has told me any time this has come up in the past that he doesn't like porn, and that he finds it degrading to women and distorts mens' view of 'real sex.'
So of course I asked him about these sites and he flat out denied it -- and promptly deleted all his internet history and cookies. I tried to make it safe for him to tell me by assuring him I think it is normal, but he continued to angrily and vehemently deny he ever looks at it or likes it.
So I let it drop, and then this weekend I noticed him in our home office looking at pornographic sites on the computer. I checked his internet history (which is sneaky, I feel bad about doing it) and he had indeed been cruising various porn sites while I was just in the other room. I let a day go by and then asked him about it-- trying to be really gentle about it and non-accusatory- and he completely lied about it, and got very very angry at me for bringing it up again. I told him that I clearly know he was, and it is no big deal, but he will not admit it.
Please give me some perspective on this. I am really worried because we are getting married really soon. I completely trust him not to cheat on me or abuse me, but I am really hurt by his lying over this. What do you suggest I do to put my mind at ease? I don't think there is any way he will ever tell me the truth about this, and I really don't want it to come between us.
Thank you for your help!

Okay, guys 101:

1) Guys like porn.

2) Some guys are embarrassed by porn.

3) Some girlfriends should stay the hell outta some guys business.

Thus endth the lesson

How can you tell love is real?

Do you not have Facebook? That is where you shall find this very sought after knowledge. However if you do not forward the ancient viral posts that contain the wisdom that you seek then there is a high and terrible price to pay. these can include (but aren't limited to): never knowing true love for yourself, being killed by a dead girl's ghost coming up through your shower drain, dying in your sleep, being raped by a zombie, having your penis drop off.

i am falling in love with a women who is 17 years older then me lives 3 hours away and is my step mothers cousin and two years ago i slept with her daughter can this work? (sorry about my grammer)

It's okay, given your question I'm amazed you managed to form sentences at all. Although I do think it's adorable that you misspell 'grammar' in a sentence apologising for your grammar, but, Hell, I'm amazed you managed to arrange those funny little squiggles into words. Based on your letter this woman (or these women, it's a little ambiguous) are, what? 22?
That's based on the fact you've evidently got to be about 5...and/or a moron. Based on this I'll keep my answer simple for you...

hope that helps.

Okay with that we all got through another 'Dear jimmy', it's okay guys. it's over for another ten days. and for you new guys....yes. All the letters I stea---I get are this stupid.

Haiku Hi-jinks and other problems

2008-09-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well Alex put in an awesome guest column last week didn't he? The only problem is that really raises the bar for me. In order to win you all back I'd have to pull off something amazing with my first letter. Something like a poetic masterpiece that Puts Shakespeare to shame. How am I ever gonna accomplish something like that though?

Q. I have a problem
The guy I'm in love with likes me
But HE WON'T DATE ME
Because I'm "emo"
I've quickly begun to change my style
I've gotten manicures, worn Abercrombie and Fitch clothes
I've even begun growing my hair out
But he still thinks his friends won't approve
How the hell do I snap some sense into this boy
And make him realize that it isn't fashion but deep affection?

A. What's with all the paragraphs?
Is that a haiku?
I will reply the same way.
The Emo thing is lies.
He did not want to hurt you
that's not the reason
It is an easy excuse.
I will tell the truth.
He won't date you 'cause of this:
It's 'cause you're a moose!

--I think that ought to do it.

Q. I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

A. The answer is no. Because you have blatantly already been dumped.

Q. How long should a couple date before marriage?

A. Absolutely no more than two dates. After two dates you should know without a doubt if somebody is 'the one' or not.

Q.I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"

A. I think you should look up sarcasm, because my previous response? A prime example of it. Really.

Q. My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?

A. that you don't love him anymore. because evidently you don't. The same goes for anybody out there who refuses their boyfriends oral sex.

Q. My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn't do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn't. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I've got to make this work.

A.I fail to see the problem. Every home should have a solid gold monkey butler like yours does. The only purchase of your husband's I WOULD question is 'Cloverfield' on DVD. Nobody will want to re-watch it. Ever.

Well,I'm off to try flog enough books of my own haiku's to buy a solid gold monkey butler of my own. If that fails I suppose I'll have to be back next week.

Dear....Alex?!

2008-08-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, as you may've noticed from the title I've given control of this column to Alex. Don't worry, he's just as wise and helpful as I am. And, more importantly just as sarcastic. For all my loyal fans who check this site for my updates and had no idea about this SURPRISE! And also, I imagine you're...both...wondering who Alex is. Well I highly recommend you check out his own site over at http://www.projectafter.com/ to find out.

Q. I met my husband three years ago, and we were married last fall. I am 31, he's 25. We have a nearly ideal relationship and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. My problem is that my sex drive has dwindled over the course of the past few years; it was normal when we met, but now it's next to nil. I am still attracted to him, I'm not interested in anyone else, and he satisfies me completely when we have sex -- but I want it once a month, where he'd rather have it at least a couple times a week. We have a semi-open relationship; he can have sex with other women if he chooses (I could have other men, but have no desire to; I can't keep up with the one I've got!) but he seldom wants to -- he wants ME. I just don't know how to revive my lost desire! I know it makes him feel undesirable but that's not the problem -- it's like my sex drive is "broken" and I don't know how to fix it! Any ideas? I wouldn't be comfortable with counseling, and I don't believe he would either -- he has no respect for psychiatrists and I wouldn't be able to go without his knowledge and consent. By the way, we have no children.
Dawn, from Illinois

A. Wow, okay, let me see if I've got this straight: You're failing to make love to your spouse on even a semi-regular basis and therefore completely shirking one of your most important wifely duties, and rather than backhanding you at a dinner party in front of the neighbors, your husband reaffirms his undying affection for you by turning down an open invitiation to run off and have meaningless sex with any woman he wants!? Bad news Dawn, your husband is a homosexual in denial who only married you because he was afraid to embrace his true feelings and participate in anonymous sex with men he met at fellatio conventions. That's probably why you have so little desire to be intimate with him, what with his frequent comments about your breasts being"icky" and his requests that you sodomize him with a strap-on dildo while he stares at the theatrical poster for Rocky III featuring a shirtless Sylvester Stallone. My advice to you is that you set him free to pursue the lifestyle of interior decorating and AIDS that he secretly longs for and find yourself a real man who can actually please you in bed (I'll have Jimmy forward you my contact info).

Q. I'm in quite a predicament. I have three homeschooling children. The oldest, who is 10, I
have been "teaching to the test" the IOWA Basic Skills Achievement Test, because he is in fifth grade, the compulsory grade in my state to be tested. I have really gotten on his case because all he wants to do is play. Computer games, hand-held Gameboy games... imaginary games... and I feel like he's somehow going to fail if he doesn't take learning seriously. I'm not one who is comfortable with a complete lack of schooling (or unschooling), yet I sense that my disappointment in my child is damaging his spirit.
Heather, from Iowa

A. Holy crap! you have a ten-year-old kid who would rather play video games and screw around than study to take a test for school!?! Bitch, don't waste my time with this bullshit.
When your kid refuses to play Mario Kart or join his friends on the playground because he's too absorbed in an algebra worksheet, that's when you seek advice for how to undo whatever horrible damage you've done to your child. If you really need help with this "predicament" you're in, then just explain to your son that education is one of life's necessary evils, and then do what every other good parent does and get him to study by bribing him with toys and trips to Baskin-Robbins.

Q. Good Afternoon
I am an African American woman who was in a relationship with a Japanese man. I was with him because I thought he was a good man but when I came up pregnant he was very insistant that I get an abortion because "the Asian community will never accept a half Asian Child!"; he also felt I did this on purpose to get his money. As you can guess we broke up and he now refuses to have anything to do with his son. While I was 7 months pregnant he called to apologize that he wasn't there for me and knew I did not do this on purpose. I asked him if he wanted me to call him when I was in labor & he said yes. I was of course extremely happy because I felt he was going to be in his son's life. Well, long story short, my son is now 6 months & has only seen his father 3 times, and he has not paid a cent yet. I don't want to deny my son any part of his heritage, but I was purposely waiting on filing child support knowing his fathers proud nature. Any suggestions before forcing the issue?
Mother of a Bold Spirit, from Texas

A. You haven't filed for child support because of this guy's "proud nature"? The man has obviously forced you to watch too damn many samurai dramas if you think what he's doing is a result of pride or honor. Really, I would think an African American woman would know more about dealing with deadbeat fathers. Whether you pursue child support or not is your choice, but personally, I'd recommend forgetting about his ass and raising the child on your own. That way, when your son grows up and makes $112million a year playing golf, you'll be able to laugh in your ex-boyfriend's face and buy yourself some diamond-studded tap shoes to dance on his grave after he commits seppuku for dishonoring his ancestors or whatever.

Q. I have two dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?
David, from Arizona

A. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about legalities here, since it's a good bet that your local police department is going to fine the hell out of whoever calls them out because of day-old dog shit in their neighbor's yard. I don't care how free of crime your town is, no self-respecting police officer is going to let something like that slide. Andy Griffith would swear someone the fuck out for something that ridiculous. Second, tell your neighbor that if he is truly distressed over how long your pets' waste remains on your lawn, he's welcomed to come into your yard and clean it up himself whenever he wants, under the condition that he uses his mouth to dispose of the crap. If he protests, punch him in the balls (unless your neighbor is a woman, in which case you should punch her in the vagina).

Q. I am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. I have never met his wife. He has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. He told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. Yesterday he told me he has solicited a woman over the Internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret sexual rendezvous
I got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I seem to have lost my conscience," he admitted. I tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. He kept making flimsy excuses: "I must live sometime. I'm making up for lost moments. My wife will never know."
I do not condone adultery and I think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. He said I am the only person who knows. Is there anything I can do? Would I be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband's infidelity? He once said that if his wife ever found out she'd probably kick him out of the house. I am beginning to believe he deserves it.
Undecided, from Minnesota

A. Dude, it's almost like God is daring you to blackmail this guy. Not only are you in a position to ruin his life with a single unsigned note to his wife, but it sounds like this guy has mad connections that can get you some serious tail. Tell him you'll totally bust his ass if he doesn't let you in on some of that action, then sit back and enjoy all the jailbait booty and out-of-state whores you can handle.

Well that's it. I'm back for the next installment so all that's left is for me to thank Alex on behalf of all of those people who's lives he has just improved with his advice, and for myself, because it meant the time I usually spend drafting a 'Dear Jimmy' was better invested downloading internet porn....I mean illegal movies....I mean burning Cd's of bootleg music...I mean....doing research on wikipedia. Yeah. That'll work. I have been doing research on wikipedia.
Hopefully Alex will let me look him up again for another guest spot sometime. which will probably be about the first time a decent Watchmen torrent hits the web.

Paging the love doctor

2008-08-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Okay here we go with another installment of Dear Jimmy, the blog that is always life changing but very rarely in a good way. Let's see who needs my amazingly great advice this week....

Q. Hey,
I have a question and it has to deal with my shyness. I recently met a girl and we started talking and we have a lot in common. We talk to each other all the time and I get a really good vibe from her, as she has said the same about me.
Here's when the problem comes in, I let my shyness and insecurities overwhelm me and I just get quiet, I mean, I'm a quiet person... that's just my nature. The thing is she is a little shy too, and then when I'm shy, she's a bit shy and we just don't talk, it doesn't get awkward (well, not on her end I guess) but I'd like to be able to talk to her openly and not feel shy or embarrassed or like I'm going to say the wrong thing and just screw everything up.
We have so much in common, it's almost as if I can't find the right words to say... and I don't want to make that something that could hinder a genuine relationship from occurring. I really need some advice...

A. hey,
I'm Confused! You say you talk all the time and have a lot in common, but then you say that you both get shy and you both just don't talk. What are you? bi-polar? Since it doesn't get awkward for her, she probably hasn't noticed you haven't gotten a word in edge ways. Her being female makes this the norm, so all you have to do is buy some ear plugs and a pair of those Homer Simpson glasses with the eyes on to hide your glazed over expression and carry on going as you are. She'll think you're a great listener as she goes on and on and on about Suzi taking her parking space at work, how Mandy has dumped her boyfriend because he sssoooooooooooo deserved it after Billie saw him kissing Moreen and the new Gnuicci bag (don't ask me why she's talking about the Punisher. I wasn'tlistening either) that costs £24,500 that she HAS to have. Because it matches (one of) her £90,000 pairs of shoes (of which she has, ironically 90,000).
She'll love you for it. Chicks love guys who pretend to give a crap. They think we're sweet and stuff.

Q. I've been emailing and messaging a really nice girl for the past few days. I'm thinking that at some point we should talk on the phone, but I'm unsure of when to make that first phone call and what to say when I call her. Is it too soon?
A. yes. you'd be better off waiting to make the call until you actually grow a pair of balls. These will help you immensely.

Q. I am a 39 single mother of three beautiful children ages 11,14 and 17.
I am dating a man that has no kids and no siblings, He's 45.
He has a problem with my youngest child. He thinks hes a mammas boy.
My boyfriend doesn't like when he goes and sulks and cries in his room. He thinks this wrong and he has a problem. I told him that my kids have had me to themselves for 4 years before he came into the picture so hes probably showing some jealousy here.
I told him that every boy needs a man in his life and why can't he be the one.
My boyfriend says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this gets in the way. He doesn't know how to handle the frustration he feels when my child acts this way.
I don't know what to tell him anymore.
Can you please give me some advice.
A. Firstly let me thank you for giving me my lottery numbers to play for the week, and reassure you that I don't think your son is a mamma's boy, he's just a perfectly normal, regular emo.

Q. What should young teens do for their first date?
A. Well a lot of teens nowadays enjoy getting cheap booze from the local Lateshop while shouting abuse like 'wot you staring at?!' to anybody who looks within twenty feet of them because it makes them look 'ard as they loiter around outside in their hoodies and then going home for clumsy, unprotected sex with girls in HUGE gold hoop earrings, really tight ponytails and jeans that ride all the way down to their knees showing off the tooth floss thin thong, whose name they can't even remember. Luckily the girls don't notice since it only lasts two minutes and they get another benefit cheque from the government after they have their twelfth child because of it. Maybe you could try that?

Q. Can someone tell me in a FULL DESCRIPTION where is a man's G-SPOT (in details)
A. I'm not entirely sure but I think I'll don my lab coat and go study this for you. Remember this is for science and I am so totally not going to enjoy it. I may be some time so see ya next post!
*closes bathroom door*

(self) love and marriage

2008-08-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

Here I am, once again leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping...each time...That my next leap will be the leap home. If you don't understand the reference get out. Get out right now.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn't thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won't but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?
A. No. he secretly hates you. sorry.

Q. I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid?
A. Okay, I'm assuming this is just mis-mailed. This is an advice page. Not a freaking wedding planner service. Don't worry I'll be sure to forward your letter.

Q. My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
A. Nothing. And you shouldn't try. If he doesn't cast that accursed ring into the fires of mount mordoor then it's power will corrupt him, and, should it ever fall into the wrong hands....Doom us all! Do you really want that on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Q. I was telling a new acquaintance about how I met and married my husband. When I said it out loud like that, I realized that I may have forced my husband's hand into marrying me. But she was romantically proposed to by surprise on a vacation. I feel cheated!
A. Well I can understand how, in hindsight, the white van, band of heavies and blindfold may seem a bit heavy handed. But you have to believe your husband DOES love you really. The fact that he hardly ever tries to escape from his cell anymore should be proof of that.

Q. How do I love myself? Where do I start? I feel like through the years I forgot who I am and what I'm about and I feel very lost.
A. Well, the most common male masturbation technique is simply to hold the penis with a loose fist and then to move the hand up and down the shaft until orgasm and ejaculation take place. The speed of the hand motion will vary from person to person, although it is not uncommon for the speed to increase as ejaculation nears and for it to decrease during the ejaculation itself. When uncircumcised, stimulation of the penis in this way comes from the "pumping" of the foreskin. This gliding motion of the foreskin reduces friction. When circumcised, there is more direct contact between the hand and the glans, thus a personal lubricant is sometimes used to reduce friction. Sometimes, if too much pressure is applied, it may be rubbed sore for a time.
Circumcised or not, men may rub or massage the glans, the rim of the glans, and the frenular delta.
Another technique is to place just the index finger and thumb around the penis about halfway along the penis and move the skin up and down. A variation on this is to place the fingers and thumb on the penis as if playing a flute, and then shuttle them back and forth. Another common technique is to lie face down on a comfortable surface such as a mattress or pillow and rub the penis against it until orgasm is achieved. This technique may include the use of a simulacrum, or artificial vagina.
There are many other variations on male masturbation techniques. Some men place both hands directly on their penis during masturbation, while others use their free hand to fondle their testicles, nipples, or other parts of their body. Some may keep their hand stationary while pumping into it with pelvic thrusts in order to simulate the motions of sexual intercourse. Others may also use vibrators and other sexual devices more commonly associated with female masturbation. A few extremely flexible males can reach and stimulate their penis with their tongue or lips, and so perform autofellatio.
The prostate gland is one of the organs that contributes fluid to semen. As the prostate is touch-sensitive, some directly stimulate it using a well-lubricated finger or dildo inserted through the anus into the rectum. Stimulating the prostate from outside, via pressure on the perineum, can be pleasurable as well. Some men, also, enjoy anal stimulation, with fingers or otherwise, without any prostate stimulation. Semen is sometimes ejaculated onto a tissue or some other item.
Hope that helps.

bunny boiler special!

2008-07-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

This weeks letters all have a theme so lock up your bunnies girls and boys, otherwise they'll get boiled by one of this week's writers. So here we go, out of the boiling pan and into the fire.

Q. I am a 30 something, single female- who met a man online several months ago. After a period of e-dating, we took our relationship offline and are now intimately involved. I discovered last week that he still has his profile posted on this web site, and that he is getting winks and/or emails from women users. However, he assured me that he is not dating anyone else from the internet at this time. Trust in this relationship was an issue for me before my cyber discovery because he will not tell me how he feels about me or our relationship. I don’t know what to think. Can you help?
A. One question, how the hell did you know his profile was still up without going on that site yourself? You are obviously just as unfaithful, woman! So what? now he's not allowed to talk to anybody else? controlling much?! God! Next time you meet, cook him a big meal, buy him a wii or PS3, complete with Metal gear Solid 4 (I'd say both just to be safe) and beg his forgiveness. Beg woman, and it may not be too late. (but if it is I call the PS3.)

Q. I have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me?
A. If you re-read your letter the anwser should become obvious. Because you are a psycho bitch. This 'title-less' relationship is basicaly his way of avoiding having to tell you he's not interested so's you don't boil his bunny, shred his clothes and....God knows what else!

Q. I have been dating a guy over the net. We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it. I am almost 16 and he is 18. Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net. I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend? Please tell me what to do.
A. errr....errmmmm....what should you.....Oh! oh, I know! Grow up and get over it!
I mean if he has a girlfriend then you must have expected that---oh!---ahh, you mean you.... bwa ha ha... you thought you were his girlfriend. that is sooooo cute. Bless ya.
Yeah, that doesn't really constitute girlfriend so much as on-line play thing. But now the good news: Since you were never actualy his girlfriend, you haven't actualy been dumped.

Q. I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.
A. since you evidently want to skip over the whole 'dating' and 'relationship' stages right the way up to marriage, I suggest you take up a religion that practices arranged marriages. That way your family will have to do the hard work of finding a bloke for you. Plus they might be able to get some free land and/or cattle in the bargain too.

geez, they were clingy psychos weren't they? luckily the y-chromosome makes us males much more stable and well adjusted, right guys?

Q. I am a twenty something, single guy who had been dating a woman for about 6 months until she recently moved to another country. Since she has been away, I have had time to really think about our relationship and I am plagued with feelings of insecurity and confusion.
She was the one to initiate an intimate relationship a short while after we had become friends. Things were really good between us until her behavior started to change. Suddenly, when we were together, she began staring at other guys and making comments about their attractiveness and attributes. One time, she pointed to a perfect stranger and told me he was her "type" and that he had the "look" that she liked. A few days later we walked by the same place where she had first seen him and she asked; "Where’s my cutie pie?" Another time she asked me if I thought that a certain guy and girl were together. When I asked her why she wanted to know that, she replied, "he’s hot." I didn’t want to appear jealous, so I tried to ignore it, however, she continued with the stares and comments.
We were in email contact after she left, but when I expressed some of my feelings and concerns, she merely said she was sorry if I was offended and that she had not intended to be hurtful. I haven’t heard from her since even though I have attempted contact in order to try and sort this out.
If I was not her type, why did she initiate a relationship? I would also like to know why she continued seeing me and then making a point of telling me that I don’t have the look that she likes in a guy. How should I handle this situation?
A. Errrmmm. She's not replying to your e-mails, and she fled the country to get away from you. Is this not a clear enough message? You were sport. She owned you and now she's bored. let this be a lesson to you. Women willl treat you like objects, the only defence is to do the same to them first. If you take this away from the experience it wasn't all in vain.

Q. After three months of getting to know each other, we thought we were just what each of us had been looking for. The next month advanced to the physical stage and life was nirvana! Then, after a misunderstanding she suddenly wanted "space".
When a woman says she wants some "space", what does that mean? How long should I give her, and what's the best thing I can do to get her back? Pursuing her has made it worse. Can I rekindle things after doing that?
A. It means she wants space! As in give her some time to herself. As in do NOT pursue her. Do not start planning the best way to win her back, or worrying about when you'll see her again. And defineitly DO NOT EVER write a bitching letter to an advice collumn like a little cry baby girly man. And I mean EVER! But yes your relationship CAN be re-kindled. As long as you follow these pointers. Otherwise it is doome--Oh---wait a sec--crap. sorry dude! :'(

Q. I have had a girlfriend for about 6 months. We live in different countries that are on opposite sides of the world. We knew each other as youngsters but did not begin our relationship until she moved away. About 4 months ago, I saw a photo of her and another man on her website. In the picture, they looked a bit more than friends. I sent my girlfriend an e-mail asking her about the photo. She hasn’t responded since then. I don’t have her phone number so I can’t call her. I’m sure my e-mails are getting through. I am ready to move on but I feel that I owe my girlfriend an opportunity to at least tell me if she wants to end our relationship. I have waited two months. How much longer should I wait for a response? Thank you.
A.---- Oh come on!
---- seriously?
--Where to start here? Okay she lives the other side of the world, you don't have her phone number...She's your girlfriend HOW exactly?!
If you're ready to move on why the hell haven't you after two months? Generaly that's more than enough time for normal people to call it quits. What I recomend is you send her one last e-mail telling her what you've just told me, then go outside, get a breath of fresh air, clear your head, and sit down in the middle of the road. Or dual carriage way if it's convenient. Then just wait for her reply. Or the next bus. Whichever.

Oh for the love of...! Having been let down by both sexes, all I can do now is find some way to not belong to either. kind of like the 'bloke' who had a baby recently. So i'm gonna go work on that between now and my next post.

guest starring Lindsay Lohan

2008-07-21T04:44:00.000-07:00

--Kinda sorta nearly. in a not at all way.
You all know how this works by now:

boo hoo, whine whine bitch
Cold hard slice of reality with a side order of sarcasm.
So without further ado...Order up!

Q. I'm attractive. I'm interesting. I like people and they like me. Why do I have so much trouble connecting with a special person in Dallas?
A. the main problem is the fact you live in London. Try connecting with somebody special there first. If that doesn't work you could always move to Dallas.

Q. I have fallen in love with a man who has been my friend for the past 5 years. He is a great person and we are close. Since he likes being single and I am scared of rejection I have always felt pretty safe not having to say anything to him about how I feel. We are both really shy when it comes to the opposite sex and he doesn't give me any idea about how he feels about me.
I have been driving myself crazy because I want to be in a relationship with him and he just slept with someone. It was a one-nightstand but I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy. He even mentioned the other day that we should go on a trip together next year. I can't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love him.
I respect, love, honor and cherish this man as my friend and now I want more. But, I don't want our friendship to end or change. What should I do?
A. Your relationship is in jeopardy? what relationship? you don't have a relationship, you psycho bitch. I suggest, since you daren't tell him how you feel and ergo you will never be with him, you should do the next best thing--- build an effigy of him. Which, since you seem to idolise him anyway, works out pretty well.
All you need is a mannequin or straw doll. Steal a few of his clothes, a lock of his hair, stick a picture of his face on the thing, and you're set. the two of you can date, snuggle and all the other things regular couples do, just like in 'Lars and the real girl'. In fact many stable and perfectly normal people use this technique, just ask my girlfriend Lindsy Lohan here..

Q. I basically have what seems like the world's most embarrassing problem in the bedroom. I haven't been with this guy long, and I really really like him; he's what I would have considered out of my league beforehand. I'm having a few arousal problems: no matter how much I want to have sex with him, my body just won't co-operate, and it usually leaves me feeling inadequate. We've only managed to have sex twice, maybe three times. The first time I was really tired, so he let me sleep and the second time we were drunk, making a fair bit of noise and were paranoid about his parents downstairs.I've done some research and I don't think it's something physically wrong with me, more mentally. Could my lack of arousal come from a recentish trauma with a complete and utter sh*tbag who led me on for more or less two years? My sex drive was really high before, and I've had sex since but only two or three times.I've considered going to the doctor about it - problem number 2 arises - I'm only 16, and I'm sure arousal problems aren't the sort of thing people my age go and see the doctor about. Any ideas on how to regain my drive? I really don't want to have to keep on relying on intoxicants for this!
A. Well you see, since you're having sex at 16 you must obviously be a chav, and therein lies the problem. This is more than likely an evolutionary thing. Basically nature does not want you getting aroused because nature does not want you having sex, because THAT would lead to you producing more chav offspring. there is nothing you can do. It's just God cleansing the gene pool. I would make a reference to it being an unexplained natural purge like in 'The Happening' but then you may want to go see it to understand the reference. And if anybody went to see it because of me I would NEVER, EVER forgive myself. EVER.

Q. Can anyone give me advice on dating? I now have confidence to ask girls out but I have no idea what to do on the date. And please do not say "just be yourself" because I already know this.
A. Don't worry, if you wrote a letter to an advice column about what to do on a date the very last thing you should do is be yourself. What you want to do is act like a deep caring sensitive guy who is interested in commitment and a relationship and all that kinda crap, take her to a bar somewhere to get her good and liquored up and then back to her place (because if she knows where you live she can find you again afterwards!) where you can jump her bones and sneak off before she gets up the next morning. If there's time you should also delete your number from her phone- but don't risk waking her if you do! You can always screen her with caller I.D. instead. Then repeat as often as needed with as many girls as needed.

Okay, I'm all helped out for now, so I'm gonna take a little nap to regain my power to nurture and educate. As you may've noticed this is running semi-regularly atm, so hopefully I'll be back in a week-ish, maybe. unless I over-sleep.

just when you thought it was safe to check blogger...!

2008-07-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

-phew- I'm back and let me tell you, hiding from the police is nowhere near as much crazy fun and hijinks as Prision break would have you believe. But enough about my problems...let's solve some other people's shall we?

Q. I am a single, professional woman in my mid-thirties who needs some advice handling a difficult dating situation. A couple of months ago I met a nice guy at a friend’s party and we seemed to hit it off. After spending a long time talking that first night, I gave him my number and he called and asked me out. I was really looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him, and might have blown the whole thing up in my mind beforehand. When he came to pick me up, he seemed different. In fact, we related differently this time from that first meeting. Even though I was disappointed, I decided to give it a chance and see if things got better as the evening wore on. They didn’t and I found myself glancing at the clock and trying to find ways to cut the evening short. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me and suggested some things we could do together. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said something like; " I have a lot going on at work over the next month and will be very tied up most of the time." He suggested that we discuss our options when he calls and I reluctantly agreed. I made a point of avoiding a goodnight kiss and tried to be nicely distant when we parted.
I need some advice on how to let guys down easily. I usually drop hints by telling them I am very busy, unavailable and/or by not responding to emails or phone calls. I have even said that I am not interested in dating anyone at this time or that I am looking for a very specific age, profession or religion in the men I date. One would think that guys would be able to read between the lines and get the message, but I have not found this to be the case most of the time. How can I be heard without being cruel?

A. You cannot. Your first (and fatal) mistake was being 'nicely distant'. You should've just been distant,or even better,a total bitch. But you CAN get another chance. Since he wants to see you so much agree to meet up somewhere (preferably very busy) and treat him like dirt as loudly as possible. Insult absolutely everything about him. His clothes, his interests, his beliefs. remember absolutlely nothing is off limits, not even conventionaly taboo topics like religion.
Your aim, the whole time should be to highlight the fact that you're not interested because he's a loser, and to make him cry. If he actualy does....bonus! This should help him get the point. My presonal best is 2 mins 27 seconds. But then girls are softed and weaker than men, and since this is your first time I estimate it could take up to 8 whole minutes, but be paitant. The method works, but you must be willing to devote the time to it. Like all great relationship tools.
---Of course this could backfire horribly if he's one of those BDSM freaks who get off on that kind of thing. So pack some pepper spray just in case.

Q. I am a 32-year-old single woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man for 2 months. This man, in my opinion ,would normally receive a very high score. He is a fairly handsome guy with a great personality and mutual moral convictions. He is marriage minded and is very attentive and complimentary to me.
The problem is that he seems very feminine to me. His mannerisms are feminine, he is somewhat soft-spoken and his total demeanor at times exudes softness. There are things he sometimes says that I don't normally hear from a man's mouth .Since I thought that maybe it was just me, and that I had the wrong perception, I have asked him if others had ever mistaken him for being gay. I also asked him if he had ever fantasized about being with a man or had ever been with one. Each time his answer was no.. never.
Honestly, I really don't think he is gay. He has had previous relationships with women and is the father of three girls who do not live with him. This guy in every other way would be a great catch...but I find his feminine demeanor to be very distracting, somewhat of a turn off and publicly embarrassing. What advice could you offer me regarding an otherwise great guy, but one who is just a little too soft for my taste?

A. Okay, I hate to break it to you , but he is soooooo in the closet. But don't worry. you can fix this. because beng gay is a choice. I recomend you strap him to a chair and force him to watch the Die Hard Quadrology (except number 2, because...well because it sucks.) Commando and some good old fashioned porno. prising his eyes open and moistening them as needed. Just like in 'clockwork orange'. Alternatively, electro shock therapy could yield similair results if you're both willing to invest the time. As I told the previous reader- these things are all about investing the proper time and effort.

Q. hello ladies and gentlemen i met this wonderful guy named Will Baety from Utah over a month and a half ago on Inklink we are going to meet this Christmas since he coming down to visit me and have a New Year with me we are in love. But he says he is ready to marry me this Christmas Eve I am so excited because I really know I am in love with him as he is with me. So should I because he is turning 18 on April 24 and I am turning 16 May 8 what should I do. And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone until December 24, 2007 at 6:40 a.m. when we go pick him up at the airport to come back to my house. I am so excited

A. I'll be honest, when I first read this, I too became equaly excited. i mean this one letter could keep me going for a months worth of updates. (okay that's only two, but still!) but here goes...

Firstly, what is with all the detail? Why do I need to know the dude's name? and the EXACT time you're picking him up? Did you mistake this for one of those love match calculator things or something? Or do you just have OCD? because if so, I also recomend some Electro shock therapy for you. In fact you should probably electrocute yourself anyways from the sound of your letter. Were you not reading the last two letters when I mentioned taking time with things?
I mean did everybody else spot where it went from 'regular' stupid to 'oh my God! this material is gold' stupid? that's right... 'And best thing about our relationship so far its over the phone'
WHAT?! What the hell?! How in the hell do you know you love him if you haven't really met him? And you consider not having met him 'the best bit'? Is that because you're stupid? or butt ugly?
Checking my 'dim teen to real people' dictionary am I right in assuming our word for what you call 'love' is translated as 'he's-said-some-nice-things-on-the-phone-and-in-my-tiny-little-girly-brain-since-this-makes-me-feel-happy-and-builds-my-non-existant-ego-up-it-must-be-love?' in case you're wondering it's like how Japanese have one word equivilent they say/write and it's to an entire phrase. Lazy bums!)
and finaly... at the risk of sounding like an ACTUAL advice column (God forbid!), I'd always consider marrying somebody you haven't lived with first a bad idea, since you discover all their annoying bad habits and they magnify ten fold after being cooped up together day in day out, so I guess marrying somebody you haven't met would be...I dunno...a really really really really really really really stupid idea (no, really!). Actualy, scratch that. I don't consider it an idea at all. that implies you've actualy thought about it.

Q. I recently entered a relationship with a woman who is sweet and a little dense at times- but nonetheless intelligent and trustworthy. We started dating just a few weeks after meeting- but after only one week, my feelings changed. It just happened as we spoke on the phone one day, and even though I have tried to suppress it- I just don't feel the same towards her. It is a feeling in my gut that is trying to tell me something. This is the second relationship in which this has happened. It is not as strong with the person I am currently with, but it is consistent and makes me feel ill at ease with her.
There is nothing about her that is causing me to feel this way. By that I mean that she is very sweet, attractive, honest and interested in me. The only possible issue for me is that she is not quite on the same intellectual level that I am- but I don't think it is fair to expect everyone to be my match in this area. For instance, when I asked her what she believes in, it took her forever and a day to answer. This shouldn't be such a serious issue and I wish I could make the feeling go away. I have asked people, 'Have you ever been with someone who you know is loyal, kind and trustworthy, but despite that you had a gut feeling that something was wrong about you being with her?' Most people say, 'yes' or 'I understand that feeling' or 'that's when I usually break it off.'
Can you give me some insight on this feeling and how I can overcome it, and perhaps talk to her about it rather than just breaking things off?

A. The problem is obvious from your letter. It's your vastly superior intellect. You should defintiely break it off with this dense mare so that you can meet somebody on your own level and have a super genius baby. However since she is both 'dense' and 'interested in [you]' may I recomend you make her dance like a puppet and manipulate her into putting out first? This also gives you the out of 'I'm just so confused. we're moving so fast. I need some time to think'. She'll buy it, after all she's dense, right?

Q. My sister said you wouldn’t answer this email.
A. ---

That's it for another heart warming edition, until next time remember: Do NOT try anything mentioned in these letters at home. because if you act like these people you deserve to be shot. And hopefuly will.

The doctor is in!

2008-06-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

well, it's been 3 days since my last post, and the mail's been piling up. Not my mail, mind, but I'm sure the more...'legitimate'..advice pages wouldn't mind me intercepting their mail and anwsering it for them. So without further ado let's see what I recieved (read 'stole') this time:

Q. I work with a man who is self centered and conceited. He is also the department supervisor. He only talks about himself and never listens to anyone else. Since he is such a witty speaker, at first people are spellbound by his conversations. It begins to wear thin. He corners anyone and drones on for hours if allowed. How can we stop him?

A. Sorry Sharron, I'm afraid Simon is too much of a phenomonone to stop now. He's ITV's biggest money spinning franchise, all you can really do is quit before you're forced to do another season of X-factor together.

Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. It makes me cry.

A. Normaly I'd say 'if you don't like him, dump his emo ass, and call his bluff. He probably won't have the balls to go through with it.' However I notice your letter is postmarked from Bridgend, so your hands are tied. I'm afraid you have no choice but to continue dating him. You'll just have to learn to like My Chemical Romance, self harm and really bad poetry about how bleak his world is, I guess.

Q. My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don't even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?

A. Have you not heard the recent Fern Britton controversy? There's your anwser; gastric Band surgery. It's LIKE exercise--- but easy.

Q. I think I'll go nuts if I don't get some sense knocked into me! I met this guy at work and realized that I was interested and wanting to know more, so I decided to make the first move and asked him to a movie. He agreed, but right away said that because we worked together, he didn't want our relationship to go any further than friendship (by the way, he paid). I was embarrassed, but appreciated his honesty. Since that conversation, we have spent the better part of the past three months together. He's invited me to meet his family, he's met mine, we've gone to a few movies, he's made it a point to introduce me to his friends, he's cooked for me, we've gone out numerous times...etc. He's even the one who calls to make all of the plans. Recently he quit his job (so we no longer are co-workers). However, he hasn't made any sort of move, so should I assume that he is just nice and wasn't ever really interested? I think you should also know that he expressed an interest in ANOTHER co-worker of ours! I mean, what is he DOING? Is it actually possible that he could spend this much time with me and have no romantic interest? If he has no interest, can I remain his friend while suppressing my feelings and still be emotionally healthy?

A. You are absolutly right. What the hell does he think he's doing! Males and females canNOT innteract unless it is for the purposes of dating and/or sex. I mean does he not have males friends to interact with, at least then he wouldn't needlessly lead them on. Not like poor little you.
He is obviously a cold, callous shell of a man, who is totaly incapable of any emotion whatsoever. let the co-worker have him. That'll teach both of them. That bitch!

oh, well that's it for now. I have to evade the police. Incidently you may have to wait a bit for my next post if I'm laying low from 'the man'. Who knew stealing mail was still classed as treason?

the 'pilot' post

2008-06-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, we ALL know about problem pages 'Dear Dedrie/Jane/Bea/Whoever/Whatsit', and they all seem to give the same advice. And it all seems to be crap! So what I present here are genuine letters written to said problem pages (of which it turns out there are bazillions!) and my own advice. The advice they should have been given. the advice that would help them and the rest of the world. Join me now as I make the world a better place. One problem at a time. Let's see our first victim---I mean reader's---letter.

Q. I consider myself to be attractive, intelligent and sociable, but not too many males are drawn to me. Why is that?

A. from your letter I would sumise the problem is your HUGE EGO but don't worry, there are ways to overcome this. The easiest way is to dress real slutty like. If you look like you're gonna give away the farm on, or even better BEFORE the 1st date, then personality really doesn't matter from that point forward.

Q. I met this girl on a social networking website, and I'm starting to fall for her. We talk every once in while, probably about once a week, and met for the first (and only) time about 4 months ago. I would like to talk to her more often to get to know her better, but I've never flirted online and I have no clue on how to do this, so I need some advice in that department. Also, I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to send her a e-greeting or something for Valentine's day, and if I should, then what kind of greeting; friendly or romantic, e-greeting or something self-made, funny or serious. The thing that worries me in this situation is that a Valentine's card would seem like something coming out of left field, and may strike her as odd, or even worse, desperate, which I don't want to come off as being.

A. From your letter I have concluded you are incapable of deciding anything for yourself. Your mother probably chose the font for you, right? The good news is, THAT makes you perfect boyfriend material. Women are always looking for men they can control and manipulate to fulfill their every whim and desire.
Now, how to get to that point? If you're going to go the on-line relationship route firstly you NEED to buy a webcam. that way she can see you performing all kinds of sordid disgusting acts on yourself. And chicks love that, screw all this hearts and flowers crap! Don't just dive in there, though, oh no, no, no! Firstly you'll need to get her in the mood, and to that end, I suggest sending her a picture of your genitals (If they're tiny you can use Photoshop or a similair editing suite before you send it.) with a sweet message. Something like 'I've shown you mine, now show me yours'. This also has the advatage of hinting you may be interested in seeing her naughty bits. And nothing says romance like wanting to see someone's naughty bits.
And when do you set up this big surprise? that's right, valentine's day! Follow these easy steps and she'll think you're the king of smooth. you'll be paying for preety things, and insanely expensive shoes in no time. ;o)

Q. I am a 38 year old guy who needs your help with an embarrassing problem. For whatever reason, I have never kissed a woman. I know it is hard to believe, even laughable, but I’ve just never had the best of luck with the ladies. I’m not socially awkward- I know how to carry on a conversation and I’m fairly attractive, but I have never experienced that "first kiss" moment.
I don’t know if it’s something that I am doing or not doing, but I’m starting to feel this emptiness inside, like I’m missing out on something. I’ve avoided talking about my problem with friends, for fear of being looked down upon. I can’t help but feel like I’m past my prime. What can I do to get in the game?

A. Dear never been kissed, Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahh
hahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhaha
hahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhaha
hahhahahahahahhahahah...hahahahhahahah.....hahahah

H'eh. yeah. yeah, you were right, that WAS preety laughable. Luckily I can help. What you should do is practice kissing with a mirror, and when you feel you're ready for the real thing....practice using your hand. because that's when it gets real tricky. Incidently, I offer the same advice when you realise you're a virgin (least you better be, or else that's just disturbing!) Although skip the mirror part for that one. or else it just gets messy! trust me.

Q. I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him.We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

A. Easy. you sucked in bed!

Q. My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

A. Nothing. Your lack of talent means you will die alone, unloved and unremembered. If it makes you feel better the good news is nobody will miss you so they won't be sad.

Q. I am in a muddle. I love two men. One is my ex.-boyfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current boyfriend. Both are lovely men, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?

A. Threesome.

well, that's all I have time for/ can be bothered to post for now. But if you enjoyed that, and felt it enriched your life don't worry I will be back again soon. If you didn't you're a freak and should be made to feel like a martyr by having a big red X painted on your door in blood. I promise I'll update this thing regularly (just like the 12,346 people who have abridged series on you tube), after all there's alot more people out there that need my help.