Sunday, 22 June 2008

The doctor is in!

well, it's been 3 days since my last post, and the mail's been piling up. Not my mail, mind, but I'm sure the more...'legitimate'..advice pages wouldn't mind me intercepting their mail and anwsering it for them. So without further ado let's see what I recieved (read 'stole') this time:

Q. I work with a man who is self centered and conceited. He is also the department supervisor. He only talks about himself and never listens to anyone else. Since he is such a witty speaker, at first people are spellbound by his conversations. It begins to wear thin. He corners anyone and drones on for hours if allowed. How can we stop him?

A. Sorry Sharron, I'm afraid Simon is too much of a phenomonone to stop now. He's ITV's biggest money spinning franchise, all you can really do is quit before you're forced to do another season of X-factor together.

Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. It makes me cry.

A. Normaly I'd say 'if you don't like him, dump his emo ass, and call his bluff. He probably won't have the balls to go through with it.' However I notice your letter is postmarked from Bridgend, so your hands are tied. I'm afraid you have no choice but to continue dating him. You'll just have to learn to like My Chemical Romance, self harm and really bad poetry about how bleak his world is, I guess.

Q. My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don't even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?

A. Have you not heard the recent Fern Britton controversy? There's your anwser; gastric Band surgery. It's LIKE exercise--- but easy.

Q. I think I'll go nuts if I don't get some sense knocked into me! I met this guy at work and realized that I was interested and wanting to know more, so I decided to make the first move and asked him to a movie. He agreed, but right away said that because we worked together, he didn't want our relationship to go any further than friendship (by the way, he paid). I was embarrassed, but appreciated his honesty. Since that conversation, we have spent the better part of the past three months together. He's invited me to meet his family, he's met mine, we've gone to a few movies, he's made it a point to introduce me to his friends, he's cooked for me, we've gone out numerous times...etc. He's even the one who calls to make all of the plans. Recently he quit his job (so we no longer are co-workers). However, he hasn't made any sort of move, so should I assume that he is just nice and wasn't ever really interested? I think you should also know that he expressed an interest in ANOTHER co-worker of ours! I mean, what is he DOING? Is it actually possible that he could spend this much time with me and have no romantic interest? If he has no interest, can I remain his friend while suppressing my feelings and still be emotionally healthy?

A. You are absolutly right. What the hell does he think he's doing! Males and females canNOT innteract unless it is for the purposes of dating and/or sex. I mean does he not have males friends to interact with, at least then he wouldn't needlessly lead them on. Not like poor little you.
He is obviously a cold, callous shell of a man, who is totaly incapable of any emotion whatsoever. let the co-worker have him. That'll teach both of them. That bitch!

oh, well that's it for now. I have to evade the police. Incidently you may have to wait a bit for my next post if I'm laying low from 'the man'. Who knew stealing mail was still classed as treason?

Thursday, 19 June 2008

the 'pilot' post

Okay, we ALL know about problem pages 'Dear Dedrie/Jane/Bea/Whoever/Whatsit', and they all seem to give the same advice. And it all seems to be crap! So what I present here are genuine letters written to said problem pages (of which it turns out there are bazillions!) and my own advice. The advice they should have been given. the advice that would help them and the rest of the world. Join me now as I make the world a better place. One problem at a time. Let's see our first victim---I mean reader's---letter.

Q. I consider myself to be attractive, intelligent and sociable, but not too many males are drawn to me. Why is that?

A. from your letter I would sumise the problem is your HUGE EGO but don't worry, there are ways to overcome this. The easiest way is to dress real slutty like. If you look like you're gonna give away the farm on, or even better BEFORE the 1st date, then personality really doesn't matter from that point forward.

Q. I met this girl on a social networking website, and I'm starting to fall for her. We talk every once in while, probably about once a week, and met for the first (and only) time about 4 months ago. I would like to talk to her more often to get to know her better, but I've never flirted online and I have no clue on how to do this, so I need some advice in that department. Also, I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to send her a e-greeting or something for Valentine's day, and if I should, then what kind of greeting; friendly or romantic, e-greeting or something self-made, funny or serious. The thing that worries me in this situation is that a Valentine's card would seem like something coming out of left field, and may strike her as odd, or even worse, desperate, which I don't want to come off as being.

A. From your letter I have concluded you are incapable of deciding anything for yourself. Your mother probably chose the font for you, right? The good news is, THAT makes you perfect boyfriend material. Women are always looking for men they can control and manipulate to fulfill their every whim and desire.
Now, how to get to that point? If you're going to go the on-line relationship route firstly you NEED to buy a webcam. that way she can see you performing all kinds of sordid disgusting acts on yourself. And chicks love that, screw all this hearts and flowers crap! Don't just dive in there, though, oh no, no, no! Firstly you'll need to get her in the mood, and to that end, I suggest sending her a picture of your genitals (If they're tiny you can use Photoshop or a similair editing suite before you send it.) with a sweet message. Something like 'I've shown you mine, now show me yours'. This also has the advatage of hinting you may be interested in seeing her naughty bits. And nothing says romance like wanting to see someone's naughty bits.
And when do you set up this big surprise? that's right, valentine's day! Follow these easy steps and she'll think you're the king of smooth. you'll be paying for preety things, and insanely expensive shoes in no time. ;o)

Q. I am a 38 year old guy who needs your help with an embarrassing problem. For whatever reason, I have never kissed a woman. I know it is hard to believe, even laughable, but I’ve just never had the best of luck with the ladies. I’m not socially awkward- I know how to carry on a conversation and I’m fairly attractive, but I have never experienced that "first kiss" moment.
I don’t know if it’s something that I am doing or not doing, but I’m starting to feel this emptiness inside, like I’m missing out on something. I’ve avoided talking about my problem with friends, for fear of being looked down upon. I can’t help but feel like I’m past my prime. What can I do to get in the game?

A. Dear never been kissed, Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahh

H'eh. yeah. yeah, you were right, that WAS preety laughable. Luckily I can help. What you should do is practice kissing with a mirror, and when you feel you're ready for the real thing....practice using your hand. because that's when it gets real tricky. Incidently, I offer the same advice when you realise you're a virgin (least you better be, or else that's just disturbing!) Although skip the mirror part for that one. or else it just gets messy! trust me.

Q. I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him.We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

A. Easy. you sucked in bed!

Q. My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

A. Nothing. Your lack of talent means you will die alone, unloved and unremembered. If it makes you feel better the good news is nobody will miss you so they won't be sad.

Q. I am in a muddle. I love two men. One is my ex.-boyfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current boyfriend. Both are lovely men, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?

A. Threesome.

well, that's all I have time for/ can be bothered to post for now. But if you enjoyed that, and felt it enriched your life don't worry
I will be back again soon. If you didn't you're a freak and should be made to feel like a martyr by having a big red X painted on your door in blood. I promise I'll update this thing regularly (just like the 12,346 people who have abridged series on you tube), after all there's alot more people out there that need my help.